Monday, January 10, 2011*
school starts
It's that inner groaning within your soul that tells you that you were meant to do something other than this. I really don't think that being a sports psychologist is God's end goal for me. But I don't really want to think what he really wants me to do for Him, coz it seems so scary and i don't think I have enough faith to handle it yet. Last night I strangely found myself wanting to go to heaven right away. Desperately.
Seems strange that people say that the reason there is suffering on earth is to remind us that earth is our temporary dwelling and we shouldn't place to much attachment to it. But I don't know, in times like this i'm like, "who in his right mind doesn't want to go heaven right away?" Maybe the whole mentality is wrong coz we're viewing heaven as an escape, rather than eternity spent with God.
Strangely that brings me back to my new year resolution. I really used to love more. Yesterday in church, we did a rather slip shod welcome to the new sec 1s. In years past, i would have bust my gut to do something crazy yet special, to show them that the Torchbearers is a place where love resides. I didn't even thank yihui and uncle so for organising the youth com retreat. I couldn't be bothered to sms my mentees, coz I have been just so exhausted the past weekend, and I think I'm falling sick.
So far the new year resolution has been an abject failure. How can we, mere humans, love like a God so perfect? As I listened to yesterday's sermon, I was slightly cynical as I felt that perhaps a few of the words were slightly too idealistic. It's crazy, how can such things be possible?
I guess maybe I'm losing my child-like faith that I once had. Maybe I'm losing the unbridled love that I once had for God and people. Maybe I've been rejected and let down a few times too many. Maybe my expectations of people precede the love that I'm willing to give them nowadays. Maybe I'm just tired.
I really want to go for a mission trip after this semester. A really long one. So far a door has slightly opened, I pray that if it's God's will He'll send me there. I really want to minister to people, coz that's been my heart all along. But I also need to be refreshed, coz I just feel so bad not being able to give God my genuine all.
Come Holy Spirit
Fall afresh on me
Fill me with Your power
Satisfy my needs
Only You can make me whole
Give me strength to make me grow
Come Holy Spirit
Fall afresh on me
recorded @ 10:46 AM
Tuesday, January 04, 2011*
international exchange
Ya all this made me really want to go exchange (London 2012 here i comeeeeeee! :P), but ahem, more importantly I really enjoyed just interacting with people from different nations and cultures. Just like in ICYC in Korea, it was a moment where my eyes were opened and I realised that there are so many people from other countries that actually exists in this world that we live in. Yeah, i know that's quite duh, but i guess sometimes we think of them as some faraway entity, like people from a distant planet. And its only when we participate in such events that we realise that we share this earth with fellow brothers and sisters who are humans, created by God just like us.
I think even with the tower of babel and whatever separation it caused, it is somehow in God's will for all his children to unite together once again. We see this in the globalisation of the world, and how almost 400 students have come to NUS this semester. And will always rmb the guy at the songwriting concert who said that the prayer of Western countries is that God will send more asian students to them. Wow.
All this tied in crazily with the ongoing thought that i've been having for missions, that have been confirmed by a few things/people. A door might open for me to go China in may, but still need to pray about it!
in a random note, this song just popped into my mind. haha maybe the part about "saving my world with you". I want to save my world with you Lord! :D
Labels: befriending, exchange, missions
recorded @ 9:41 PM
Saturday, January 01, 2011*
2011!
After our cell did the flash dance (haha thanks guys, you may hate me now but I love you! :D), I did a super on-the-spot sharing (coz like our cell had NO ONE who was willing to share. so Tek was like, nat go up there and sum up our year). So like i actually was gonna share something, but going up there and being breathless and panting after the dance, I ended up sharing something else.
I just feel that in a cell group there must be honesty and there must be vulnerability. We often come in such "perfect" packages when we come to church. For me, I'm the youth president, cell leader, mentor, sunday sch teacher. So maybe i feel the urge to live up to the "perfectness" of all those things? And sometimes that hinders me from sharing what is really on my heart.. at the risk that people may think less of me. ahhhh i don't think it's really a pride thing, i dun really know how to explain. It's more of dun want to cause unnecessary unhappiness and strife. or rather don't want to rock the boat.
But if we don't rock the boat, how can we experience Christ in the vessel and smile at the storm?
Jesus said, "it is not the healthy who need the doctor, but the sick". It i'm already alright and functioning fine, I don't need Jesus in my life. But if I have all these nonsense issues and things that I am going through, I need to depend on Him every moments of every day coz these things are beyond my control.
On the total flip side, I must also learn from King Solomon in that "Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues." (Proverbs 17:28) There are sometimes I say things without thinking, the less serious consequence is that people get turned off by my dumbness, and the far more serious consequence is that I hurt people. There's no doubt that I need to tame my tongue, and don't give out outburst of anger (which I often feel are justified), but instead learn to wait upon the Lord, learn from Jesus and see when he chose to talk, when he chose to remain silent, and how he managed all his relationships with perfect love.
That is my resolution for 2011 :)
Labels: cell group, new year resolution, year end prayer and praise
recorded @ 5:27 PM
Wednesday, December 29, 2010*
But all this very superficial chatter made me reflect: what do we do to make ourselves attractive to other people? I wonder what made my dad choose my mum instead of the many girls whom he was surrounded by in those photos. (haha now it's i wonder what made my mum choose my dad! jkjk! :P) My mum told me it was because she was praying about it and then read the part about David being a man after God's heart, and my dad was truly a man after God's heart. But is that it? Such a simple guideline? What about love, romance, compatibility etc... or stuff like falling for someone without a reason? Is that just the domain of hollywood and korean dramas?
I'm beginning that mattering to people matters to me a lot. I always thought that I was quite selfless, doing things without people seeing, and just getting the satisfaction that they were being loved in the grand scheme of things. But I've come to realise that I'm actually quite attention seeking, perhaps in a subtle way. Like though I don't do stuff on facebook or whatever to scream out for attention, but I do feel hurt when certain people don't notice or respond in a way that I would like. But sigh.. isn't that just part and parcel of being a human?
Deep down I know that I need true humility like what Jesus had. And I need to be most importantly, a guy after God's heart for my future girlfriend - above being charming, funny, responsible, caring or whatever... But sometimes this just seems quite impossible (and confusing).
Guess that's why we need to keep our eyes on Jesus, and learn to be molded by him day by day.
Labels: attention seeking, old photos
recorded @ 9:38 PM
Monday, December 27, 2010*
moving out
I don't know, I've never felt so alone before. My family has always been my source of security, the bunch of people whom i love and can run back to seek comfort and safety. And the realization hit me that I won't be staying with them anymore after this week. I wish the circumstances weren't so bitter. I can't say it on this public blog, but in short I never wanted to move and was very hurt by the whole process.
Sometimes I guess you just don't want things to change, but that's impossible in an ever changing world. Even if I don't move now, I'll eventually have to move when I get married. And the same sadness (and maybe tears) will accompany the packing and moving.
I'm really gonna miss my family. It'll be weird not having phil run up and down the stairs and making various loud noises to disturb me. Or lydia coming to my bed and lying on it to purposely annoy me. Or mum calling me down for dinner, or dad walking into my weights and scolding me for leaving all of them around. I'm gonna miss all that.
So I resolved to be absolutely nice to everyone for the rest of the day. I dunno, I only have 4 more days living with them, possibly for the rest of my life. I helped my dad whenever he called me, offered to get him drinks and snacks, showed concern when he owned his finger while trying to fix the chair. And tried to be extra nice and helpful to everyone in the house.
It's oh so cliche, but i guess you never know what you've got till its gone. Family is probably the best thing that has happened to me. They are really everything to me, the closest people in my life and the ones I love most. Ya, we've had our disagreements and arguments, but they've always been there for me no matter what.
I guess moments like these really make me thank God so much for the family that He's blessed me with. I won't trade them for anyone else in the world. Pray that I'll be able to treasure them and show them how much I love them for the last 4 days.
Labels: family, moving house, sadness
recorded @ 8:43 PM
Saturday, December 25, 2010*
hospice caroling
We went to this ward, and there was this man who was literally just skin and bones. I cringed as I looked at his body, as it was so frail and weak, that I was just so scared knowing how real death and disease are. But he was a surprisingly chatty man, speaking us to fluent chinese. He requested that we sing a chinese song for him. Very unstrategically, we had assigned 5 acs boys to this visiting group and I was one of them. So he rattled off the names of a few chinese songs (erm, I didn't know them, but he say until as if they are very famous!), and we told him we couldn't sing it. Then came to "xiao bai chuan", and we kinda heard the tune before, so we used ashley's phone to search the lyrics online. Finally, we huddled around ashley's small iphone and did a rather stuttering rendition is very stuttering chinese.
But all along whilst we were singing, i glanced at him and noticed that his expression was one of calmness and peace, as if it was soothing his soul. After we were done he clapped loudly and said it was great (though it really wasn't) and shook our hand. As I took his hand in mine, it felt warm and the love just poured out from my heart to him. I loved that man, though I barely even knew him, but just seeing how happy he was to hear such lousy singing just crushed me, as I realised that in a few weeks he would not be around.
But I was just glad that we were able to bring some of Jesus' love to the people at the hospice, I pray that He will make a way for them to hear the gospel and come to know Him as their personal Lord and Saviour.
recorded @ 6:05 PM
Wednesday, December 22, 2010*
love thy brother
So anyway, he was having a very sore ankle from getting stamped on by his friend the day before. As a result, the whole morning he was moaning about the pain, and I was rather uncompassionate due to my irritation at been awaken so early. Then came our usual silent car ride (both of us too tired and stoned to say anything to each other). But suddenly around the Kallang area, I suddenly remembered what Pastor Francis Chan said in the video I had watched last night. And this terrifying thought came to my head:
Pray for your brother's ankle
ok it might seem like no big deal, but if any of you are guys and have brothers, you'll know what I'm talking about. It's different. Furthermore for my brother who knows me and has seen all my nonsense. I seriously don't think he believes in Jesus either, he hates church and whenever my dad says grace his eyes are open and looking rebellious.
Ya but i kinda knew that it was God telling me this so I was like.. ok here goes:
"Phil, how's your ankle?"
*silence*
"how's your ankle?"
"still sore"
"erm.. you want me to pray for you or something?"
*silence*
Ok I tried my best God, if I go any further I'll be forcing you down his throat, and he'll hate you even more.
so i prayed for him silently.
But after i dropped him off and drove home, i just felt a bit crushed. I don't know, I mean he's my own brother. and we're gonna be living in the same room for the next 6-7 years (erm until i get married and move out?). And all I've been thinking is about how unjust it is for me to no longer have my own room and have to share with my little brother. Talk about lack of privacy, why does my sis get her own room, what if I have to sleep late to do school work, and every morning i'll be disturbed by his alarm clock waking him up for school. sucks... But just then I realised that I've totally missed the point. I should be loving him.
But I do right? I mean I have nothing against him, gosh i'm fetching him early in the morning for goodness sake!
But then the voice came again.
If you love him, show it.
The bible is right. God's Word is sharper than any double edged sword, and it pierced through me and revealed my innermost thoughts and feelings. How little love had I been showing my brother.
Ok after typing all this i still don't have any concrete plan on what to do. Sometimes its toughest to change your behaviour towards those you live with. You can't fake stuff up.
...
The car ride back was the usual: totally opposite of the trip there. My brother was chatty as ever, telling me about how the game went and how he's such an awesome centre back (runs in the genes! :P). Yeah and I just smiled as I listened to him.
Lord, teach me how to love.
recorded @ 11:35 AM
"hey guys! ya when i email at this hour it can only mean 2 things: 1) I have last minute youth comm admin work to chiong or 2) I have something slightly serious to rant which i would usually keep to myself
Ok I confess I was doing something hypocritical and streaming "Chuck" online (GUYS LISTEN TO ME, DON'T WASTE YOUR PRECIOUS GOD GIVEN TIME WATCHING DUMB AMERICAN SHOWS! do something for God, pray or read the bible!) when I checked facebook (while loading the next episode) and saw this video which I clicked on. All this happened in a span of 5 seconds, so it must have been arranged by God.
http://desiringgod.org/resource-library/conference-messages/think-hard-stay-humble-the-life-of-the-mind-and-the-peril-of-pride?sms_ss=facebook&at_xt=4d10c35819f57a03%2C0
so yes, here goes:
When I started out in the youth com in 2005/2006, I was bold, zealous, passionate and just about crazy for Christ. I had just rededicated my life to Christ and was ready to go all-out. I would do rather foolish things like write small notes and cards to people, during Christmas or Youth Sunday or whenever the impulse came, I would stay up all night and make gifts or wrap sweets and write more notes and cards to every single youth. All this just to show them that Jesus loves them. I would devote different days to pray for each youth by name, asking God to grow and strengthen them. All like what the speaker said in the video.
But I dunno I kinda lost it slowly. I dunno it could be the countless meetings, seeing adults argue like kids instead of loving, being disappointed with the attitude of a majority of people, seeing that it is hopeless that our church will ever grow or fed up of the structure that i'm under... but whatever it was, I loved less.
But I really thank God he's turned me around tonight, and I'm determined to love more than ever.
Guys, that's what our church needs. We need to love and do so not under a rock or in secret. But in public, letting our light shine so that all may know that Jesus is alive today. For those of you who have known me since I was a little kiddo in nursery section, I am probably the shyest thing alive, has below average social skills and rather be a nerd than a rugby player i'm pretending to be. So what & who cares! Just coz its awkward to love the Torchbearers coz they prob won't love back (straight away) doesn't give us an excuse to shy away from the task God has placed us in.
It is terribly cliche, but none of you are in the youth comm this year by chance! WE NEED TO LOVE THE TORCHBEARERS. This year is gonna be different. NO ONE IN THE YOUTH COM IS ALLOWED TO HIDE AND DO THE BARE MINIMAL AS WE'VE BEEN DOING FOR THE PAST YEARS. I'm sick and tired of bare minimal for Jesus, who gave his all for us!!
For the younger ones, don't worry I'm not mad. Just mad about Jesus (ya, sheesh, know its very cheeesy...) But i really hope you don't end up like me now after serving in the youth com for 4-5 years: burnt out, disillusioned, fed up, tired, content in keeping the youth in maintenance mode rather than passionate to grow his church! JESUS PAID FAR TOO GREAT A PRICE FOR THAT!
Stay young, stay "stupid", love foolishly (you know like in shows, how the sucker girl always loves the guy who doesn't like her? Ya love the Torchbearers like that!), show the adults that Jesus is working in the youth!!!
We can do this!!! We are together in this, I say this today, tmr may feel sucky, but you guys will lift me up. If you guys want to give up, let me know and I can pray for you too! Ok my words are starting not to make sense, so i'll just end here."
recorded @ 1:44 AM