Therefore, I desire that men pray everywhere...

school starts

2011-01-10T10:46:00.002+08:00

School starts this week, and I'm feeling rather empty. No, it isn't the feeling of sian-ness or dread of the never ending readings, assignments, tests and the general competitive nature of Singaporean education. But rather a numb-ness that I can't explain. I don't know, maybe i just find school a bit meaningless.

It's that inner groaning within your soul that tells you that you were meant to do something other than this. I really don't think that being a sports psychologist is God's end goal for me. But I don't really want to think what he really wants me to do for Him, coz it seems so scary and i don't think I have enough faith to handle it yet. Last night I strangely found myself wanting to go to heaven right away. Desperately.

Seems strange that people say that the reason there is suffering on earth is to remind us that earth is our temporary dwelling and we shouldn't place to much attachment to it. But I don't know, in times like this i'm like, "who in his right mind doesn't want to go heaven right away?" Maybe the whole mentality is wrong coz we're viewing heaven as an escape, rather than eternity spent with God.

Strangely that brings me back to my new year resolution. I really used to love more. Yesterday in church, we did a rather slip shod welcome to the new sec 1s. In years past, i would have bust my gut to do something crazy yet special, to show them that the Torchbearers is a place where love resides. I didn't even thank yihui and uncle so for organising the youth com retreat. I couldn't be bothered to sms my mentees, coz I have been just so exhausted the past weekend, and I think I'm falling sick.

So far the new year resolution has been an abject failure. How can we, mere humans, love like a God so perfect? As I listened to yesterday's sermon, I was slightly cynical as I felt that perhaps a few of the words were slightly too idealistic. It's crazy, how can such things be possible?

I guess maybe I'm losing my child-like faith that I once had. Maybe I'm losing the unbridled love that I once had for God and people. Maybe I've been rejected and let down a few times too many. Maybe my expectations of people precede the love that I'm willing to give them nowadays. Maybe I'm just tired.

I really want to go for a mission trip after this semester. A really long one. So far a door has slightly opened, I pray that if it's God's will He'll send me there. I really want to minister to people, coz that's been my heart all along. But I also need to be refreshed, coz I just feel so bad not being able to give God my genuine all.

Come Holy Spirit
Fall afresh on me
Fill me with Your power
Satisfy my needs

Only You can make me whole
Give me strength to make me grow

Come Holy Spirit
Fall afresh on me

international exchange

2011-01-04T21:41:00.002+08:00

Spent the last 2 days helping out with the "International Friendship Group", which is vcf's ministry to the international students in NUS. Had a great and meaningful time showing the new exchange students around campus and clementi area (it was quite a joke that I was showing them around clementi coz I myself don't even know the area at all!). Tricked 2 ang moh girls in my group into eating durian pisang, and taught them how to top up their ez link card and take the mrt. What made my day was when one of the exchange students thanked us at the end of everything and said that we were so nice to do this for them and that she wants to help exchange students when they come to her own university too! coolness how niceness transmits! :)

Ya all this made me really want to go exchange (London 2012 here i comeeeeeee! :P), but ahem, more importantly I really enjoyed just interacting with people from different nations and cultures. Just like in ICYC in Korea, it was a moment where my eyes were opened and I realised that there are so many people from other countries that actually exists in this world that we live in. Yeah, i know that's quite duh, but i guess sometimes we think of them as some faraway entity, like people from a distant planet. And its only when we participate in such events that we realise that we share this earth with fellow brothers and sisters who are humans, created by God just like us.

I think even with the tower of babel and whatever separation it caused, it is somehow in God's will for all his children to unite together once again. We see this in the globalisation of the world, and how almost 400 students have come to NUS this semester. And will always rmb the guy at the songwriting concert who said that the prayer of Western countries is that God will send more asian students to them. Wow.

All this tied in crazily with the ongoing thought that i've been having for missions, that have been confirmed by a few things/people. A door might open for me to go China in may, but still need to pray about it!

in a random note, this song just popped into my mind. haha maybe the part about "saving my world with you". I want to save my world with you Lord! :D

2011!

2011-01-01T17:27:00.004+08:00

I look forward to every year end prayer & praise event, coz its the only time that the church gathers, kinda like a family, and shares with one another how God has been so good to them. This year around, it wasn't as emotional as the previous years (where if my memory serves me right, many people actually broke down and cried as they shared). But nonetheless, I was just sooo encouraged by every single sharing, that even though i was exhausted, i didn't feel the urge to sleep one bit! :)

After our cell did the flash dance (haha thanks guys, you may hate me now but I love you! :D), I did a super on-the-spot sharing (coz like our cell had NO ONE who was willing to share. so Tek was like, nat go up there and sum up our year). So like i actually was gonna share something, but going up there and being breathless and panting after the dance, I ended up sharing something else.

I just feel that in a cell group there must be honesty and there must be vulnerability. We often come in such "perfect" packages when we come to church. For me, I'm the youth president, cell leader, mentor, sunday sch teacher. So maybe i feel the urge to live up to the "perfectness" of all those things? And sometimes that hinders me from sharing what is really on my heart.. at the risk that people may think less of me. ahhhh i don't think it's really a pride thing, i dun really know how to explain. It's more of dun want to cause unnecessary unhappiness and strife. or rather don't want to rock the boat.

But if we don't rock the boat, how can we experience Christ in the vessel and smile at the storm?

Jesus said, "it is not the healthy who need the doctor, but the sick". It i'm already alright and functioning fine, I don't need Jesus in my life. But if I have all these nonsense issues and things that I am going through, I need to depend on Him every moments of every day coz these things are beyond my control.

On the total flip side, I must also learn from King Solomon in that "Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues." (Proverbs 17:28) There are sometimes I say things without thinking, the less serious consequence is that people get turned off by my dumbness, and the far more serious consequence is that I hurt people. There's no doubt that I need to tame my tongue, and don't give out outburst of anger (which I often feel are justified), but instead learn to wait upon the Lord, learn from Jesus and see when he chose to talk, when he chose to remain silent, and how he managed all his relationships with perfect love.

That is my resolution for 2011 :)

2010-12-29T21:38:00.003+08:00

Was looking through some uber old photos (like when my mum was in JC kind of old) with my bro and sis. Gosh I'm going to miss them... :( anyway back to the photos, we had tons of fun laughing at my mum with her huge specs and her pig-tails (dude, who continues to tie ponytails in JC!). From the old Youth Fellowship photos, I realised 2 things: Some of the aunties in church were actually quite hot when they were my age (most of them i didn't recognise), and 2nd, my dad honestly looked quite cool with his hippy-nerd style (some ideas for next sem maybe? :P). I'm sorry to say this, but my mum really looked a bit out lah.. (sorry ><) but on a bright side, I think she's the kind of girl who gets more beautiful when she gets older. Honestly, my mum is like the prettiest/healthiest 50 year old woman in church maybe?

But all this very superficial chatter made me reflect: what do we do to make ourselves attractive to other people? I wonder what made my dad choose my mum instead of the many girls whom he was surrounded by in those photos. (haha now it's i wonder what made my mum choose my dad! jkjk! :P) My mum told me it was because she was praying about it and then read the part about David being a man after God's heart, and my dad was truly a man after God's heart. But is that it? Such a simple guideline? What about love, romance, compatibility etc... or stuff like falling for someone without a reason? Is that just the domain of hollywood and korean dramas?

I'm beginning that mattering to people matters to me a lot. I always thought that I was quite selfless, doing things without people seeing, and just getting the satisfaction that they were being loved in the grand scheme of things. But I've come to realise that I'm actually quite attention seeking, perhaps in a subtle way. Like though I don't do stuff on facebook or whatever to scream out for attention, but I do feel hurt when certain people don't notice or respond in a way that I would like. But sigh.. isn't that just part and parcel of being a human?

Deep down I know that I need true humility like what Jesus had. And I need to be most importantly, a guy after God's heart for my future girlfriend - above being charming, funny, responsible, caring or whatever... But sometimes this just seems quite impossible (and confusing).

Guess that's why we need to keep our eyes on Jesus, and learn to be molded by him day by day.

moving out

2010-12-27T20:43:00.004+08:00

Told my family of my decision to move to my grandma's house. Then I went to my room and starting crying. I finally stopped, and went to start packing my books into the boxes. But as I picked up the first book, a wave of sadness crashed over me and I fell to the chair, covered my face and started weeping again.

I don't know, I've never felt so alone before. My family has always been my source of security, the bunch of people whom i love and can run back to seek comfort and safety. And the realization hit me that I won't be staying with them anymore after this week. I wish the circumstances weren't so bitter. I can't say it on this public blog, but in short I never wanted to move and was very hurt by the whole process.

Sometimes I guess you just don't want things to change, but that's impossible in an ever changing world. Even if I don't move now, I'll eventually have to move when I get married. And the same sadness (and maybe tears) will accompany the packing and moving.

I'm really gonna miss my family. It'll be weird not having phil run up and down the stairs and making various loud noises to disturb me. Or lydia coming to my bed and lying on it to purposely annoy me. Or mum calling me down for dinner, or dad walking into my weights and scolding me for leaving all of them around. I'm gonna miss all that.

So I resolved to be absolutely nice to everyone for the rest of the day. I dunno, I only have 4 more days living with them, possibly for the rest of my life. I helped my dad whenever he called me, offered to get him drinks and snacks, showed concern when he owned his finger while trying to fix the chair. And tried to be extra nice and helpful to everyone in the house.

It's oh so cliche, but i guess you never know what you've got till its gone. Family is probably the best thing that has happened to me. They are really everything to me, the closest people in my life and the ones I love most. Ya, we've had our disagreements and arguments, but they've always been there for me no matter what.

I guess moments like these really make me thank God so much for the family that He's blessed me with. I won't trade them for anyone else in the world. Pray that I'll be able to treasure them and show them how much I love them for the last 4 days.

hospice caroling

2010-12-25T18:05:00.002+08:00

The best part about caroling for me is always the visit to the hospice. I don't know, its a sad yet joyous time - sad coz you see all these people near death, body frail and weak with tubes sticking out of their body, but at the same time joyous as we bring the message of hope and joy to them, and show them that someone in this world cares.

We went to this ward, and there was this man who was literally just skin and bones. I cringed as I looked at his body, as it was so frail and weak, that I was just so scared knowing how real death and disease are. But he was a surprisingly chatty man, speaking us to fluent chinese. He requested that we sing a chinese song for him. Very unstrategically, we had assigned 5 acs boys to this visiting group and I was one of them. So he rattled off the names of a few chinese songs (erm, I didn't know them, but he say until as if they are very famous!), and we told him we couldn't sing it. Then came to "xiao bai chuan", and we kinda heard the tune before, so we used ashley's phone to search the lyrics online. Finally, we huddled around ashley's small iphone and did a rather stuttering rendition is very stuttering chinese.

But all along whilst we were singing, i glanced at him and noticed that his expression was one of calmness and peace, as if it was soothing his soul. After we were done he clapped loudly and said it was great (though it really wasn't) and shook our hand. As I took his hand in mine, it felt warm and the love just poured out from my heart to him. I loved that man, though I barely even knew him, but just seeing how happy he was to hear such lousy singing just crushed me, as I realised that in a few weeks he would not be around.

But I was just glad that we were able to bring some of Jesus' love to the people at the hospice, I pray that He will make a way for them to hear the gospel and come to know Him as their personal Lord and Saviour.

love thy brother

2010-12-22T11:35:00.003+08:00

had to fetch my brother to football training again this morning. yeah i know i've been doing it like everyday this week, but today i was especially grumpy since i slept at like 2am the night before and had to wake up at 7.30am just to get him to training at 8am (my goodness, who on earth trains at 8AM!?!?!)

So anyway, he was having a very sore ankle from getting stamped on by his friend the day before. As a result, the whole morning he was moaning about the pain, and I was rather uncompassionate due to my irritation at been awaken so early. Then came our usual silent car ride (both of us too tired and stoned to say anything to each other). But suddenly around the Kallang area, I suddenly remembered what Pastor Francis Chan said in the video I had watched last night. And this terrifying thought came to my head:

Pray for your brother's ankle

ok it might seem like no big deal, but if any of you are guys and have brothers, you'll know what I'm talking about. It's different. Furthermore for my brother who knows me and has seen all my nonsense. I seriously don't think he believes in Jesus either, he hates church and whenever my dad says grace his eyes are open and looking rebellious.

Ya but i kinda knew that it was God telling me this so I was like.. ok here goes:

"Phil, how's your ankle?"

*silence*

"how's your ankle?"

"still sore"

"erm.. you want me to pray for you or something?"

*silence*

Ok I tried my best God, if I go any further I'll be forcing you down his throat, and he'll hate you even more.

so i prayed for him silently.

But after i dropped him off and drove home, i just felt a bit crushed. I don't know, I mean he's my own brother. and we're gonna be living in the same room for the next 6-7 years (erm until i get married and move out?). And all I've been thinking is about how unjust it is for me to no longer have my own room and have to share with my little brother. Talk about lack of privacy, why does my sis get her own room, what if I have to sleep late to do school work, and every morning i'll be disturbed by his alarm clock waking him up for school. sucks... But just then I realised that I've totally missed the point. I should be loving him.

But I do right? I mean I have nothing against him, gosh i'm fetching him early in the morning for goodness sake!

But then the voice came again.

If you love him, show it.

The bible is right. God's Word is sharper than any double edged sword, and it pierced through me and revealed my innermost thoughts and feelings. How little love had I been showing my brother.

Ok after typing all this i still don't have any concrete plan on what to do. Sometimes its toughest to change your behaviour towards those you live with. You can't fake stuff up.

...

The car ride back was the usual: totally opposite of the trip there. My brother was chatty as ever, telling me about how the game went and how he's such an awesome centre back (runs in the genes! :P). Yeah and I just smiled as I listened to him.

Lord, teach me how to love.

2010-12-22T01:44:00.000+08:00

"hey guys! ya when i email at this hour it can only mean 2 things: 1) I have last minute youth comm admin work to chiong or 2) I have something slightly serious to rant which i would usually keep to myself

Ok I confess I was doing something hypocritical and streaming "Chuck" online (GUYS LISTEN TO ME, DON'T WASTE YOUR PRECIOUS GOD GIVEN TIME WATCHING DUMB AMERICAN SHOWS! do something for God, pray or read the bible!) when I checked facebook (while loading the next episode) and saw this video which I clicked on. All this happened in a span of 5 seconds, so it must have been arranged by God.

http://desiringgod.org/resource-library/conference-messages/think-hard-stay-humble-the-life-of-the-mind-and-the-peril-of-pride?sms_ss=facebook&at_xt=4d10c35819f57a03%2C0

so yes, here goes:

When I started out in the youth com in 2005/2006, I was bold, zealous, passionate and just about crazy for Christ. I had just rededicated my life to Christ and was ready to go all-out. I would do rather foolish things like write small notes and cards to people, during Christmas or Youth Sunday or whenever the impulse came, I would stay up all night and make gifts or wrap sweets and write more notes and cards to every single youth. All this just to show them that Jesus loves them. I would devote different days to pray for each youth by name, asking God to grow and strengthen them. All like what the speaker said in the video.

But I dunno I kinda lost it slowly. I dunno it could be the countless meetings, seeing adults argue like kids instead of loving, being disappointed with the attitude of a majority of people, seeing that it is hopeless that our church will ever grow or fed up of the structure that i'm under... but whatever it was, I loved less.

But I really thank God he's turned me around tonight, and I'm determined to love more than ever.

Guys, that's what our church needs. We need to love and do so not under a rock or in secret. But in public, letting our light shine so that all may know that Jesus is alive today. For those of you who have known me since I was a little kiddo in nursery section, I am probably the shyest thing alive, has below average social skills and rather be a nerd than a rugby player i'm pretending to be. So what & who cares! Just coz its awkward to love the Torchbearers coz they prob won't love back (straight away) doesn't give us an excuse to shy away from the task God has placed us in.

It is terribly cliche, but none of you are in the youth comm this year by chance! WE NEED TO LOVE THE TORCHBEARERS. This year is gonna be different. NO ONE IN THE YOUTH COM IS ALLOWED TO HIDE AND DO THE BARE MINIMAL AS WE'VE BEEN DOING FOR THE PAST YEARS. I'm sick and tired of bare minimal for Jesus, who gave his all for us!!

For the younger ones, don't worry I'm not mad. Just mad about Jesus (ya, sheesh, know its very cheeesy...) But i really hope you don't end up like me now after serving in the youth com for 4-5 years: burnt out, disillusioned, fed up, tired, content in keeping the youth in maintenance mode rather than passionate to grow his church! JESUS PAID FAR TOO GREAT A PRICE FOR THAT!

Stay young, stay "stupid", love foolishly (you know like in shows, how the sucker girl always loves the guy who doesn't like her? Ya love the Torchbearers like that!), show the adults that Jesus is working in the youth!!!

We can do this!!! We are together in this, I say this today, tmr may feel sucky, but you guys will lift me up. If you guys want to give up, let me know and I can pray for you too! Ok my words are starting not to make sense, so i'll just end here."

memories

2010-12-19T21:54:00.002+08:00

With the garage sale and the impending move looming, been spending lots of time sitting on my room floor, just sorting out my old stuff. Gosh, I have loads of old stuff, primary school, secondary school, ib, army... it's really amazing how much we accumulate over the years. But as I told some friends, I prob spent more time looking through the old photos, cards, pictures, than actually packing. It was fantastic just spending the week having my own private nostalgia party, and having many "Hey! I rmb this!" moments and smiling goofily to myself.

I guess there was a touch of sadness knowing that my childhood is really way past me (well i guess it was way past quite awhile ago... haiz but never had the time or purpose to look thru the old stuff till now), and I only have 3 more years in school before facing the cold, harsh world of a working adult.

Hehe but guess don't let that be a dampener eh? I really thank God for all the memories that he has given me, and all the loving friends and family that he has blessed me with over the years. Just looking through some things made me smile uncontrollably at how silly we were when we were young, and the stupid things that we used to do. Others were kinda sad in a good sense, because you kinda miss some people in your life who maybe aren't there as much anymore. But all in all, it really made me realised how blessed my life has been.

And perhaps most importantly, esp on this prayer blog, was how God has been continuously growing me. The camp booklet from the youth camp in Austin Hills in Dec 2005 reminded me of how I rededicated my life to Christ after the devastation that I'll never play rugby again. Photos of the trips to Kuching with HFH and Buru with CAC Connect Missions reminded me of how God opened my eyes to the needs out there in the world (maybe one day I'll be called to go back?), all the various youth comm meeting minutes, cell parties, little cards of encouragement... every single one testified of God's faithfulness.

I'll sing to you Lord, a hymn of love
For your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You never let me go, through it all

It was madly sad that I had to throw all the stuff away. But glad that I had those moments to just rummage through everything and be reminded that God has been there with me through it all. :)

the right Christmas

2010-12-15T21:11:00.002+08:00

It suddenly struck me that this Christmas is not about me. I just can't describe how selfishly I've been living the past few weeks, like everything has to revolve around me and my feelings. Sometimes I can be so tactless when I talk to people, sometimes I can be so petulant and petty, just like a little brat. I thank God that he is truly full of mercy and abounding with compassion, that he still brings me back to him. He doesn't really knock me out with a gale force wind like how he did in 2005, but when all the sounds and distractions of the world have quietened down, his still small voice within me speaks. And he's telling me to make this Christmas count.

It's really so cliche to say live life without any regrets. I used to think that it meant playing as much rugby as possible before I get too old and my knees and back too banged up to run. Or maybe asking out a certain girl before we graduate from school and don't see her again. But more and more I realise that those things are just secondary. The most important thing is how I'm making my life count for Christ.

Sometimes I guess we get complacent coz we think that Christmas will come every year anyway. But then again, this Christmas only comes once in your life.

I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it, coz it's all about you

Today's the 15th, 10 more days to make things right :)

Rachel and Leah

2010-12-14T20:19:00.004+08:00

“So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her.” (Genesis 29:20)

Read this from my vcf friend's blog and it struck a chord. What if I'd really have to wait 7 years just like Jacob (oh wait... he had to wait 14 years! Stupid tricky father-in-law). Wah romantic sia, Rachel must have been uber touched that a guy would wait 14 years just for her!

But of course at the same time this story has a darker side to it, as Jacob loved Rachel more than Leah (v30). This part sucks for me, but yet is so true. Rejection sucks, and I really feel very sad for Leah. I'm sure she loved Jacob to bits, and later on even bore him many children. Leah even had beautiful eyes (v17). But still Jacob loved Rachel more. Love sucks sometimes...

And I seriously doubt that Jacob chose Rachel on basis of character. Probably had a major crush on her coz of her physical attractiveness (v17), plus she was the first girl he met at the well. When Jacob tried to escape from Laban, Rachel almost got him into deep trouble when she stole the family idols. So I guess Jacob was attracted to her for her looks, though she was a sly, ungodly person.

I guess this realisation taught me a few things. First, waiting for someone may seem romantic and stuff, but sometimes we wait with the wrong motives or reasons. Second, sometimes we try to force a love relationship that just isn't gonna work out. And third, sometimes forget that character and values are perhaps the more important aspects of choosing a partner.

It's crazy, but maybe that's why we need to trust God.

great escape

2010-12-13T18:34:00.002+08:00

Been feeling kinda empty again, and watching Narnia today didn't help a bit. Since dunno how long ago, I've been wanting to escape, maybe to some faraway fantasy world where I can be a king and find my queen and go on adventures and laugh and play without a care in the world. It's really not fair how the characters in Narnia can just escape their ordinary lives in Britain and go to a place where there is no burden, no expectations, no need to put up a facade, and one can just frolic freely in the sandy beaches all day long, and fulfill noble tasks of bravery and courage.

But being a mature adult, I know that such fantasy worlds don't exist. So maybe an alternative would be a one year exchange trip to UK. Frankly, I don't care if its UK, Australia, Hong Kong or Timbuktu... as long as i can just get out of here. In a very sad moment awhile ago, I realised that there is no reason for me to stay in Singapore. :( So the longing to leave.

Leaving is not founded on any concrete plan that things will get better. Maybe UK is not such a good option, with its dreary and wet winter, horrible drinking culture and general hedonism within the student population. And if you can't find anyone in NUS FASS, the chances of finding her in faraway UK is even slimmer. On second thoughts, maybe the only benefit that will emerge from going UK, is that I will better appreciate the friends and things I have here in Singapore. But then again the motive in leaving is not the place, but the "escape".

But maybe what I need is not the escape, but just the precious alone time with God. I don't need to get out of this country, but maybe just need to spend a few days in solitude, meditating, reflecting, talking to God, asking Him questions and waiting for Him to answer.

I remember that in 2007 during my final year in IB, during the school term i spent one weekend travelling to the neighbouring island of Buru with the PLCMC team. It was surreal, just a few hours ago, I was chionging my maths assignment, and the next moment I was sitting alone on a patch of grass in an open field just staring at the sky and asking God why the clouds were so pretty. Morning was spent alone at the pier just gazing into the horizon.

When I see the beauty of a sunset's glory, amazing artistry across the evening sky... How can I keep from singing Your praise...

Suddenly it was as if the world stopped spinning for a moment. No more worries about moving house, about what direction the youth com is supposed to take, no more having to please everyone in cell, no more having to be the perfect whatever that I'm supposed to me. Just me and my Creator in a truly magical moment.

Why can't every moment be like that?

Maybe after I finish my bond with SSC, I'll go and become a shepherd in Indonesia or something. Afterall I'll have rather illustrious company in Moses, Jacob, David etc. But most of all while the sheep graze, I'll have plenty of time to talk to God and tell Him how I feel and ask Him about anything that comes to mind.

But why can't i do it right now? instead of blogging and using the internet? Maybe I should go somewhere and spend time with Him right now.

what Christmas is about

2010-12-11T14:25:00.004+08:00

Was at High Point (a christian drug rehab centre) yesterday to collect some cardboard boxes. Firstly, it was located in my most hated Geyland/Simei area where all the people anyhow park at the side of the road, driving is a constant hazard, and snake-like small roads which you can get stuck in for ages... Then when I entered the compound (those old low rise versions) I was greeted by a few burly looking chinese men wearing sleeveless shirts to show off their multiple tattoos, and some very fierce looking (and burly as well) indian men staring at me when I walked in. Ok so basically the plan was to get the stuff as quickly as possible and siam before I get hacked or slashed to death, should i accidentally be found to be staring at one of those tough guys.

So, staring down at the floor to avoid eye-contact (anti-staring defence mechanism), i made my way quickly to the office to ask where the cardboard boxes where. To my surprise I was greeted by this very friendly and cheerful looking ang moh lady called Trish, who said that the guy I was looking for wasn't around. She offered to help me find him, then she walked around the place and eventually told me where to get the cardboard boxes and even helped me carry them to my car! Niceness! Haha talk about a rose among the thorns :)

She explained that the guy who was supposed to meet me was busy rehearsing for some caroling thing at Clementi the next week. When I went nearer to the other end of the compound, I could hear the beautiful sound of my favourite Chinese song "you3 yi1 jian4 li3 wu4" being sung by all the tattooed ah bengs (not the indian ones though :P) who just a moment ago, were "about to" slash me. It just warmed my heart.

Then it dawned to me that I had been so wrong to judge those ex-drug offenders on their outward appearance. Though they look so tough with tattoos and their ah-beng demeanor, inside they are a new creation saved by the blood of Jesus. And was really touched how an ang moh like Trish could come down from America or wherever she's from, and serve these people with genuine joy and love. I guess unlike me at the beginning, she is able to see with the eyes of Christ, and see that Jesus came to die for people like these. Truly it isn't the healthy who need the physician, but the sick.

I guess this is really what Christmas is about. It is about God sending his only son Jesus to earth as a ransom for many. Not just those who look and act decent, but for every single person, no matter how unworthy he might be. And how ashamed that I, being forgiven of all my sins, would still judge a fellow brother whom Christ has shed his blood for by his external appearance. I guess now I just want to spread the love of Jesus to as many people as possible during this Christmas.

Tomorrow is the start of our Children's Evangelistic Christmas Party. Really really looking forward to it, and all the songs, skits, games and stuff we're gonna be doing! But most of all I'm excited that we'll be able to tell them about Jesus and how much He loves them :)

Here's our theme song! I guess it's always good to be reminded that someone loves me :)

camp reflections

2010-12-09T22:53:00.005+08:00

Constance taught me a new meaning for "LOL" - Lots of Love! Yeah i guess that's pretty mushy and stuff, but i guess that's what really describes iCAMP Venture for me. KY was right in saying that God was really working in every aspect of the camp, be it the amazing miraculous weather when it rained like siao when we didn't need to be dry, and it stayed dry so that not a single one of our programs was interrupted. How can a God so mighty, love us so much to cater to our every whim and fancy? Thank you Lord!

Could also really feel the love in the actions of each and every one of the camp comm members, who went the extra mile just as Jesus commanded, not letting their right hand know what their left hand did. Nobody complained or was bitter about having to do more stuff, sleep late or clean up quietly with no one noticing or offering to help. I'm really so touched by the positive attitude that each camp comm member had, and this is really what Jesus has in mind for his church - to serve one another selflessly! :)

It was really amazing how people from 4 different young adult cells could unite so effectively and work together in such synergy. Like though we may have our own "cliques" and stuff, it just goes to show that Christ's love is truly the glue that sticks us together! :)

And lastly the campers were funtastic! Like it was quite awkward coz the average age of the campers was probably the lowest we had EVER. But yet the campers showed such enthusiasm which is atypical of them if you'd observe any of our normal youth fellowship events where they are all so quiet and reserved. Really enjoyed the skits where everyone was so sporting and was shocking how good some of them were at acting!

Yeah it was truly mad fun, and just goes to show that we have a God who laughs as well :)

On a more personal note, I guess I was just thankful to be at the camp in the first place. The silly stitches in my left eyelid were very irritating and uncomfortable, but God really touched me and reduced the swelling so rapidly, it was so amazing. Like on Sunday i couldn't even open my left eye, on monday i could but still swollen (then have to siam all the photos), but by tuesday and wed you could hardly tell that I had been hurt at all. Truly God is good all the time. :)

Yeah really pray that this won't just be another camp high, but God will continue to fan the flame within the youths and help them to live for him even as they go back home, back to school or wherever they are. Really pray that God will come and help us to be a youth group on fire for Him.

camp!

2010-12-05T11:06:00.002+08:00

TMR IS FINALLY YOUTH CAMP! :D :D :D

After spending the past week practically everyday prepping for the camp, recce-ing, packing, buying stuff, printing camp booklet, t-shirt, and doing various admin matters and finally the event that we've all been waiting for! At first was a lil' sad that I won't be a camper and won't get to play all the cool games and stuff, but guess it's also been a special blessing just to organize the camp (plus i'm too old anyway...)

The camp prep also allowed me to spend more time with fellow churchies like Sam Lim and Liz who i haven't really got to talk to or spend time with, even though we're all serving God in this small Hakka community. Be it going out for lunch in between packing, or even sorting the paper for camp booklets, it's a kind of fellowship of "doing things together" that goes beyond words. I guess that's why God wants us to have youth camp every year! Come to think of it, youth camp is really cool coz it forces everyone to interact outside our cliques/cells and really get connected to the larger body of the church. Really really pray that we won't just be close and comfortable to a small portion of people in church, but form close relationships and get to know everyone better!

And I love the camp theme, i can so relate to it! Pray that God will use it to touch the lives of each and every camper! :)

"Take my 5 loaves and 2 fishes,
Do with it as you will
I surrender...

Take my fears, my inhibitions,
All my burdens, my ambitions

You can use it all,
No gift is too small"

what am i chasing?

2010-12-03T18:02:00.005+08:00

"When she runs after her lovers,
she won’t be able to catch them.
She will search for them
but not find them." (Hosea 2:7)

Wanted to share this last week, but was kinda too tired after my rugby match. But yeah, ahead of our 2nd match tmr guess it's pretty appropriate...

Coming into this year's club season, I was really really excited. Like the past 9 months was just spent bulking up, running, conditioning, doing everything to get myself back into shape. Ya, so we played the match, and it was a great titanic battle and we won by 2 points with a last minute converted try. But when I went home I didn't feel happy at all.

I dunno why I didn't feel anything, and if I did feel anything it felt pretty lousy. Guess I had been fantasizing and dreaming of all the great moments that I would have when I finally got to play my first competitive game in 5 LONG YEARS, and how great i'd feel and how it was like my dream come true. But when it actually happened in reality, it wasn't all that great. Something was missing...

Maybe that's what God meant when he told Israel that they were chasing after lovers that won't satisfy. I might not be bowing down to Baal or whatever false gods, but maybe somethings in my life have become my "idols"? Maybe it's God's way of reminding me that the only way to find true contentment is in Him. Maybe God is really a jealous God, who saw that I was putting a little temporal thing like rugby as the basis of my happiness instead of Him?

I guess its true for a lot of other things. Sometimes I pray that God will send the girl of my dreams (haha seriously dreams) into my life and then we'll live happily ever after. But maybe God's saying that its not the correct timing coz now i'm staking all my future happiness on that one girl (who will definitely not be as perfect as i envision. stupid hollywood), and not on Him. Like the movie UP, when ellie finally died, the poor old man lost all hope of living and became grumpy and depressed.

Maybe just as I shared with my mentees last week, "When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures." (James 4:3)
Maybe i'm seeking the wrong things to be my purpose in life. I keep forgetting that God is always there for me, and keep on finding alternatives things/people to help me get through each day. How stupid.

Well on a brighter note, I guess I know the purpose God has for me in rugby for this period at least. Been giving this huge American man a lift home from training, coz he lives 1 minute away from me. Yesterday after training, we picked up his son from his friend's house. Invited them to church for Christmas, but unfortunately they'll be away in Mexico. But really feel God telling me to minister to this family, I pray that my words and actions will show Christ love to them!

On that note Christmas is coming!!! :D caroling wheeeee!

Christmas isn't christmas till it happens in your heart! :)

pre-youth camp thots

2010-12-01T22:00:00.002+08:00

(Sigh dunno how much longer this blog is gonna last for... but while it lasts i guess God has a plan for it!)

Broke down and cried on Sunday during worship when Liz led "I'm held by your love". I really don't know what got into me, I was just sobbing uncontrollably. I don't know, I guess i just needed God's love to embrace me, to open all the hurt i've been feeling, all the rejection and everything that I've been holding on to. I guess it was just so.. nice (for lack of better adjective) to know that I'm cherished by the God of heaven and earth, and that he loves me just the way i am. Thanks Lord :)

Tonight again during prayer meeting i cried while uncle blond and uncle sin eng prayed, I really dunno what's wrong with me, but I just felt so broken and beaten, I just needed to tear and let God heal me. Thank God when it came to my turn to pray i was ok! haha yeah but it was just so amazing how the holy spirit works and touched my life when i needed it most. I guess sometimes our prayers don't really have to have words or anything, but just involve the coming before God and letting him search you and know your heart, try you and know your anxious thoughts. And rmb the verse which says the Holy Spirit groans with unutterable words, and that Jesus our great high priest is interceding on our behalf! Wow that's some company! :D

Yeah anyway this was just what I needed before youth camp next week. I really really pray that the camp will be a turning point in the lives of a lot of the youths, that they'll be transformed in a drastic way, and change the way they live, to live for Jesus. Spirit touch your church, turn the hearts of men.

Revive us Lord, with your passion once again.

Anyway i guess no matter what, these few days have been a reassurance that God will be with us. Come on let's do this camp! :D :D :D

scared

2010-11-17T05:05:00.003+08:00

Dunno what's wrong with me recently, I've never been more scared of an exam before. Maybe it's coz I know that I'm gonna be severely underprepared no matter what. Maybe the potential consequences of not meeting the mark are gonna be severe.

Need to remember who's on my side.

(1 Sam 17) 45 David said to the Philistine, “You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. 46 This day the LORD will deliver you into my hands, and I’ll strike you down and cut off your head. This very day I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds and the wild animals, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel. 47 All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the LORD saves; for the battle is the LORD’s, and he will give all of you into our hands.”

I need to remember that the Lord God Almighty is battling by my side, on my behalf. If God is for us, who can be against us? With my God beside me, who shall i fear?

Lord, please be with me...

a timely reminder

2010-10-30T21:42:00.003+08:00

After 2 rather angsty blog posts, God answered. It was kinda weird, his answer can during my nephew's graduation concert of the Prodigal Son in Chinese. Here's the english version :P

(Luke 15:25-32)

25"Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. 26So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 27'Your brother has come,' he replied, 'and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.'

28"The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29But he answered his father, 'Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!'

31" 'My son,' the father said, 'you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' "

Right at that moment I heard it, it just struck me down to the core, like my spine was rattling and i was getting goosebumps and stuff. I really felt so guilty and just like an ingrate. Here I am, whining about the world, and forgetting the most important thing that I have: God loves me.

I am always with him, and everything he has is mine. How could I ever forget that? blehhh sorry :(

I thank God for sending that timely remind before tmr's elections. It's gonna be a new year ahead, and no doubt there will be tough times. But with this reminder, I pray that I will go forth with a positive attitude, knowing that I belong to God and He loves me to bits.

Thanks.

why we carry on

2010-10-29T22:08:00.003+08:00

Went for VCF membership class on wed and found out that one of the core values of VCF is that it is "Church Orientated". Basically VCF's purpose is not to supersede the local church (makes sense coz we're only in uni for about 4 years), so our active participation in our own home church is really important. The guy speaking frankly mentioned that sometimes it seems easier to do VCF stuff coz the people there are all on fire for God, while the people back in church are lukewarm pew warmers who lack enthusiasm, initiative and are pretty comfortable doing the bare minimal. I have the exact same sentiments.

So many people from VCF and BSF have asked me to step up in leadership, but I politely declined coz I know deep in my heart, that God wants me to serve Hakka. I'm not saying that serving in VCF and BSF will be a breeze, but recently things in Hakka are just getting worse for me. Youth Election are in 2 days time, and frankly I'm not praying or caring nearly enough. When I search deep into my heart, all I currently care about is who's gonna take over from my next year, so I can finally say goodbye. (Yes, the thought has crossed my mind of people asking me to extend, but I have replayed many instances of me rejecting it with a smile)

I don't know where it all went wrong, I honestly started out with such pure intentions. Like I envisioned the youth being transformed into this brilliant youth group, all fervant and passionate about God, telling their friends about him, worshipping Him in every area of their life, SELFLESSNESS illuminating and being the trademark of Torchbearers. But then like every activity we plan, have to drag people to come, then nobody is enthusiastic about anything, nobody volunteers but must force/threaten/coerce them to help, everyone's attitudes stinks like anything and I could go on. The final straw was the submission of youth election nomination forms. Nobody cares, and I don't even want to talk about it.

Still have one more year to go. Can God turn it around? Maybe I haven't been seeking Him enough that's why? Maybe my attitude stinks too.

Back to the bible, how did Moses do it? Leading those complaining Israelites through the desert for 40 years. Did he really love the Israelites? Or was he merely being obedient and faithful to God's duty to him?
How much do I love the Torchbearers? Is my love only conditional on them being good and cooperative and living up to MY expectations? Or will I still love them and serve them even when they don't care?
And what is my attitude towards God's command for me? Am I the good and faithful servant who perseveres to the very end? Or am I the Christian who doesn't fear or revere or trust God enough to stick to His task. Paul mentions a little longer, and he had WAY more nonsense and tough times to put up with.

I have said all this that I really want to change. I need to change my attitude towards God and the Torchbearers (and maybe to my cell too) for this to work out. God can't really use you if your attitude stinks...

But still so many challenges are in the way. Maybe it's an opportunity for God to prove himself strong?

mid term crisis

2010-10-24T18:24:00.002+08:00

I really thank God for this blog. Facebook really is losing its appeal to me. (you know, sometimes you "foolishly" add people whom you DON'T EVEN KNOW! like those ppl in sch whom you know the name but never really talked to before? Then after a few weeks, you have a whole bunch of strangers looking at your facebook profile. and its like kinda weird to unadd them, coz scully one day you meet them in real life, then their like how come you unadd me on facebook)
Anyway, begin to realise that privacy is probably one of God's greatest gifts to us.

Ok enough of the rant. I've been facing what some may deem as mid-term crisis. Akin to the mid-life crisis faced by adults in their 40s when they realise that they might never achieve the dreams that they aspire to achieve (coz too old to be promoted, too far away from the amount of money they need to retire comfortably etc...), I've been plagued by a bout of "mid-term" crisis in school.

It's not that my relationship with God is dying or anything (I hope!). I still love talking to Him, singing to Him, just being in His presence. But yet school is killing me. I know the model answer is to really wait on Him and allow Him to make school cool (or at least grace sufficient to go through), but when reality hits, its so hard (haha when I typed this I realised: School is hard. and reality hits hard too :P). E.g. I seriously shouldn't be blogging now, but should be continuing my non-stop studying which will not cease till my final paper on 24th Nov.

I don't know whether I should be saying this on a church blog, but I really want to escape. You know today in church, in my youth prez mask, I said such bravado things to the youths about God being good and loving and stuff, but once I went home I felt like such a hypocrite. How can I say such things when I myself am not experiencing it? Maybe I'm just too good a leader, not wanting the flock to take a hit for my human frailties. But I've spent the afternoon feeling sick in the stomach thinking about what I said, vs the reality that I'm in. I can seriously say all the politically correct things without blinking an eye. But do I actually believe in it?

During VCF cell last wed, I was reminded that Jesus gave us 2 greatest commandments, not one. Love God AND Love Men. As we agreed during cell, Loving God is pretty easy. But Loving Men is not. I'm honestly gutted (though no blame placed on anyone) that people have left for overseas, and those who stay behind aren't pulling the weight, resulting in a few work horses being disillusioned. And there are more sensitive things regarding church work currently that I shouldn't say publicly. I find myself wanting to go for exchange next year, not for the exchange, but for the escape.

I love the Torchbearers, but I hate the way I'm made to love them.
I love Jesus, but I hate the way I'm currently serving Him.

During one VCF prayer meeting, a guy shared to me that he was tired. But tired not of school, but of the work. His heart was for people, and he hoped that he could have more time to spend with them. But due to the work, he couldn't.

But then again, maybe this is just a mid-term crisis, and after the final exams, youth camp will come and everything will be pleasant again.

I really don't know. Maybe I need to discover that the problem is with myself and my attitude currently. Maybe I need Jesus to search the depths of my heart and clean out the bad stuff. Or maybe I just need to learn to trust God more.

In a rather random closing, just feel like posting the lyrics of "Undo" (Haha I'm such a good methodist, got closing song! :P)

Undo by Rush of Fools (gosh just realised what a cool name this band has :P)

I've been here before, now here I am again
Standing at the door, praying You'll let me back in
To label me a prodigal would be
Only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be

I focused on the score, but I could never win
Trying to ignore, a life of hiding my sin
To label me a hypocrite would be
Only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be

[Chorus]
Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one who can undo
What I've become

so good to blog again! (with Christ in the vessel)

2010-10-06T22:29:00.007+08:00

One part of me wishes that I never started facebook, coz I actually miss blogging. But then again, how many people actually come to this blog? So yeah guess its "more effective" for me to be a testimony for Him over there. Hmm or is it?

Just a warning, NEVER study for history test and prepare for John 18 and 19 for bible study at the same time. While cramming historical facts about the Japanese "Rape of Nanking", Sook Ching massacre of Chinese in Singapore and other WW2 atrocities, I read the graphically explicit torture and persecution Jesus had to go through on his way to the cross. It was just a combination of gore and bloodshed.

Result was that I had a nightmare. Of being occupied (presumably by the Japan. though they spoke English in my dream. hmmm I guess globalisation lah). Then as you know, the Japanese rounded up the young buff looking Singaporean men (i.e. me :P) coz they suspected them to be anti-Japanese elements ala Force 136. Ya so basically I was going to be shot to death. While facing the impending death, I was the total opposite of Jesus. I was panicky, scared to death (no pun intended), sweating, jittery... and totally not assured of my salvation. Basically I was so afraid to die. I mean during the dream I clearly remembered that I was a Christian and my salvation was secure in Christ and everything (duh, I just had a BSF class on that subject!). But during that context of facing imminent death, I was just so scared of dying. But thank God I remembered the sunday school song, "With Christ in the vessel we can smile at the storm". So that kinda calmed me. But then suddenly i saw all my friends and family going to executed with me!?!?!??!?! Thank God I woke up a few moments later! -.-'''

Anyway barring the last bit, the point I was trying to make was that Jesus was really something to be so calm, not worrying, not opening his mouth, like a lamb to the slaughter. He had total faith in God and total confidence that God was in total control. And evident from that dream, I still do not have total confidence in God in everything. Not say life and death situation, even in a daily life choice situation I also cannot trust God enough to by faith do what is right. I don't know, I just don't have enough faith.

Yeah anyway just wanted to share a video which kinda shows how I feel. (P.S. feels good to blog again, not a chance I could have expressed all this on dumb facebook!)

Child of a King (found!)

2010-07-26T21:06:00.002+08:00

I'd like to share something really cool that happened!

Ok you know quite awhile ago, I did a blog post on this Psalty Song called "A Child of a King" that had been ringing in my head, and how overjoyed I was to finally find the title & lyrics of the song and order it online? Yeah after that I kinda got a scolding from my mum for being impulsive and wasting money buying the CD (it costs $25). Yeah think I was quite sad for awhile after that coz I guess I was quite rash in buying the CD, esp since the CD itself cost $9 and the shipping costs like a million bucks!

BUT ANYWAY!

Today I got this email from this person called "flor":

"I happened to browse your post in hahahahakka when I was trying to look for th mp3 of the song -- the child of the king. I have been searching for the mp3 for a long time already...I hope you can share with me the mp3 :)"

Firstly, OUR BLOG IS FAMOUS! haha... :D

Secondly and much more importantly, I didn't buy the CD in vain! I just knew that there were people out there who heard and were touched by this song when they were young and now that they're older, are desperate to here it again! Amazing stuff!

Dear flor, I'm so glad to have been able to help you! May you be blessed as you listen to the song again! :)

You know it's just so amazing how God works, never give up on what He has called you to do! :D

VCF Camp!

2010-07-09T12:40:00.003+08:00

You are holy (You are holy)
You are mighty (You are mighty)
You are worthy (You are worthy)
Worthy of praise (Worthy of praise)
And I will follow (I will follow)
I will listen (I will listen)
I will love you (I will love you)
All of my days (All of my days)

(Guys)
I will sing to
And worship
The King who is worthy
I will love Him, adore Him
And I will bow down before Him
I will sing to and worship the King who is worthy
I will love Him, adore him
I will bow down before Him

(Girls)
He is Lord of Lords
He is King of Kings
He is mighty God
Lord of everything

He's Emmanuel
He's the great "I AM"
He's my Prince of Peace
Who is the Lamb

He's the living God
He's my saving grace
He will reign forever
He is ancient of days

He's the Alpha, Omega, Beginning and End
He's my Savior, Messiah, Redeemer, and friend

(Both:)
Your my Prince of Peace and I will live my life for you.

I cried like a baby when I sang this song during VCF camp. I dunno what came over me, I just felt the Holy Spirit surging through my body, soul and spirit as I declared my faith, hope and love in Jesus. Truly God is good and worthy of all my praise!

I think I was really scared going to VCF camp, I mean I kinda didn't know anyone there at all. But thank God that he placed my sister in my group so at least I had someone to talk to during the initial stages. Yeah but I think I really feel a bit uncomfortable meeting new people, so like the start was kinda awkward. But thank God all that changed as the camp progress.

Just the sunday before, I was sharing with the prayer meeting people that going to NUS didn't really have much implication to me (I joked that I was going to NUS more to play rugby than to study!) and it was just a means to study and get the degree that I needed to move on to my next stage in life. It may sound rather cliche, but all that changed as I went for this camp.

Firstly, all the people there were super nice and friendly and really showed the warmth and love of Christ to all us freshies. I mean they really took the extra mile to get to know us and befriend us and answer all our questions as we plunge into this unknown called university. Ya was really really touched that there are so many godly men and women in VCF!

I pray and hope that the Torchbearers can also be like that. I hope that they'll be as genuine and loving to their friends just as how the VCF seniors took care of us freshies. Truly that is the best demonstration of God's love, through the life of a Christian.

2010-06-28T18:25:00.002+08:00

Yesterday my brother was up to his usual cheeky nonsense at home, irritating us, but for once i did not get angry. In fact I smiled. :)

The story goes that in the morning I went skateboarding for the first time with him. We went to the gentle slope at revenue house that leads up to the fountain. We had a great time skating down the slope, learning how to keep our balance. Then we proceeded to attempt a few failed kick flips that we'd learnt from youtube. And my mum was walking Truman around us.

Then towards 8.30am, my mum went back and it was time to go home and get ready for church. Then I saw my brother lying down on the low bushes next to the slope. My inital thought was that "Gosh Phil, you must be really tired..." coz like only a super lazy person would lie down on the bush there. But when I went nearer, I sensed that something was amiss.

His eyes were open and just looking straight up to the sky. I went nearer and realised that something was really wrong as he was motionless. I tried to prop him up, but his body was limp. So I carried him over my shoulder and panicked whether to do CPR on him, or to run to the nearby Tan Tock Seng hospital. I guess I'd never felt so genuinely scared for quite some time.

But thank God he started to regain consciousness. I helped to rub his head and shoulders, while he was still groggy. He couldn't remember what happened and kept on insisting that he was dehydrated. Anyway I piggybacked him home.

Yeah I dunno I think I was really very frightened that something serious might have happened to my brother. I really thank God that he's ok now, but I guess it was a wake up call that life is really so fragile.

family spirit

2010-06-15T21:03:00.003+08:00

(ok this will be a rather retrospective and more personal account of the PUT GOD FIRST! Study Camp before I write the actual one for publishing in PHOS)

As I shared in front of the whole Torchbearers, I really wanted to cancel the study camp. I guess at that moment I was just so mad at the lethargic and unenthusiastic response of some of them. I mean, people are trying so hard to organise stuff for them, trying to give them a sense of belonging in the youth group, but then they are just not interested. But I thank God that he sent me that reminder that we need to put him first and let him reign supreme in our lives.

So by faith we ran the PUT GOD FIRST! Study Camp 2010. I really really want to thank all the helpers who came down. I am so touched by the love that you have for the younger youths, I think God will be pleased to see that His older children look after the younger children so well. It's just so touching to see the older youths willing to sacrifice their precious holiday time to help the younger youths with their studies. Thanks to Gavan and Kaige for bowing to my demands of having 2 worship sessions each day, and availing yourself to play for us. Thanks to master teachers yihui (you should seriously consider a career in teaching!) and dominic (who is the first teacher to play PSP and tutor at the same time) for being so meticulous and excellent in helping the younger ones. Thanks to KY who stayed throughout the 2 days and was so dedicated and encouraging throughout the camp. Couldn't have done it without you! Thanks to Edwin who stayed throughout also and beat up the naughty ones with empty water containers! (hahaha) Thanks to the rest like my sis who turned up to give support and bond with the younger youths!

Ok this was totally not the intention of the study camp, but I really think it was a perfect bonding experience for the youth (both older and younger). I do not want to take the credit coz I was merely hitching on to Kaiyang's Study Mentorship concept from last year. (And of course GOD must take all the credit for teaching me valuable lessons throughout the study camp!) But back to the bonding, it was really really great to see the older youths and younger youths interact together for 2 whole days! I mean we worshipped God together, prayed and did our little quiet time thing together, the older youths helped the younger ones in their studies, we played table tennis, frisbee and the best of all, futsal together. It was wonderful :)

I think that's just the beauty of it. God wants his children to keep on meeting in his Name. I mean that's what happened in the early Acts church where all the Christians were just sharing whatever they had, eating together and praising God out of a pure heart. It must have been wonderful. I honestly think that we experienced a taste of that during the camp.

I think this is what God wants for our youth group. To just live life together, worshipping with each other, helping one another, eating together and enjoying each other's company.

"42They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. 43Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. 44All the believers were together and had everything in common. 45Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. 46Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, 47praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved." (Acts 2:42-47)

I really pray that our youth group can be just like that. It would be wonderful. But of course there are many challenges and obstacles like busy-ness, no time, competing things to do etc...

But I really hope that we can continue in this whole spirit of a family. I think that's what God intends for his church - to be a really big happy family of God. I really pray that the Torchbearers can be the first step toward that.

the trust of a child

2010-06-11T13:10:00.004+08:00

Was just walking from church this morning to post something at revenue house when I sang a song that has been on my mind for the past 2 weeks:

A little boy of 13, was on his way to school...
He heard a crowd of people laughing, and went to take a look...

Then when I came to the line which went, "the boy cried out with the trust of a child..." I suddenly felt a rush of emotion and tears welling up in my eyes.

I don't really know why it happened at that particular moment, but I began to cry out to God to help me to trust him like a little child again. I realised that I have so many fears and inhibitions that is preventing me from believing that God can work in so many situations. Sometimes I really doubt whether God can revive our youth group, our church, make us a people who are really sold out and passionate for him. I have a doubt whether my cell group will ever become less selfish and more pro-active and really have that transformed attitude which bears a true servant's heart. I fear that I won't be a good enough mentor for my 2 mentees and 1 mortal, that I won't have a heart for my lost friends in university, that SO MANY PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO TELL ME TO DO/NOT TO DO SO MANY DIFFERENT THINGS I WANT TO TELL THEM KEEP QUIET AND RUN AWAY! I really don't want to be the youth president/cell leader/whatever anymore...

So I did the only thing I could and offered up the rest of the song to God.

Take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender

Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all to feed them all

I guess there was great comfort as I sang those words. Like a cleansing stream, the Holy Spirit ministered to me and helped me to pray.

No matter what I feel Lord, or how discouraged I am, I will still offer everything I have to you.

As Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12:10 "When I am weak, then I am strong". This verse was never more relevant to me. I could feel the power of God surging through my body afresh as he took my negativity and pessimism and turned them into joy and dancing.

I remembered the video of Mark Hall (lead singer of Casting Crowns) that I showed to the sec 1/2 sunday school class last year. And I remembered the similar words from one noisy "ah-beng" youth from PLCMC who shared after the Holy Spirit session during Youth Alpha training. He said that he felt that the whole world was telling him "useless". but God spoke to him and said "unique". And I remembered the song that Mark Hall wrote after received that word of affirmation from the Lord:

Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind, You shine Your light on me
Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability

How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to find that you want me

So I'll stand on Your truth, and I'll fight with Your strength
Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me

It is truly refreshing to realise that God doesn't need be to be strong or steadfast or capable or whatever other high expectation. All he wants from me is me. How amazing is God's love for me.

prayer

2010-05-20T20:58:00.001+08:00

dear Lord,

the unrest is spreading towards the northern part of thailand.
once the violence hits changmai.. i have a feeling, and am pretty sure uncle l will call the trip off.

as much as i want to be back there,
no one can open doors you've shut,
and no one can close doors that you've opened.

keep shenglin, luohongxiang, hongpei, honglin, the twins and all of them safe and watch over them.

keep them close to You.

just think..

2010-05-10T20:34:00.001+08:00

Just think you are here,
Not by chance but by God's choosing.
His hand formed you
And made you the person you are.
He compares you to no one else - you are one of a kind.
You lack nothing that His grace can't give you.
He has allowed you to be here at this time in history
To fulfill His special purpose for this generation.

disciplemaking and my auntie

2010-05-09T22:09:00.003+08:00

In all honesty i don't think any of us were looking forward to the mentor meeting today. Firstly, we were quite hungry coz no time was given to us for lunch, then only sam lim and edwin had lunch (even though I replied the email to say that I wanted lunch! :\) But I guess as faithful mentors, it was bearable.

The meeting started off like any normal meeting, and everyone was more or less cracking jokes and smiling and laughing. (you know lah the usual like "keep the meeting brief and short!", "don't be so long-winded!") But then suddenly while uncle siong onn was sharing a rather innocuous anecdote, there was suddenly silence. I think I was still listening quite attentively at that point, but still couldn't figure what was the cause of the pause? "Had he forgotten his lines?" "Was it because we weren't paying attention?"

But my thoughts were soon interrupted by Rean, his mentee who was sitting next to me, passing me a pack of tissue and gesturing for me to pass it to uncle siong onn. I didn't realise that he was in tears.

That must have been the slowest 5 minutes of the meeting. Like everyone suddenly became serious and quiet as uncle siong onn tried to gather his composure to finish the story. I don't know about the rest (esp liz's cell peeps), but it was the first time I'd seen uncle siong onn so vulnerable before.

At that moment something just clicked within me. I don't think it was solely emotional, coz I really just felt this deep need in our youths to experience this kind of sharing, this kind of intimacy that can be found in the family of Christ. I don't think I've ever cried while sharing, I guess coz i'm a guy, or maybe coz I don't really share what's the deepest stuff on my mind, or maybe coz I'm too numb or whatever kind of reason you may decipher. But I don't know, uncle siong onn, for his all his bright smiles (which never fail to cheer me up, and i try to imitate!), had never appeared so lovable until that moment of vulnerability. I think I truly learnt to love him and had a glimpse of what his heart was made of.

As i reflected on that incident, I was reminded too of the experience with my dad at the chinese sinsei's house. The sinsei made him take off his shirt and specs so that he could massage him. It was at that moment, I felt this profound sadness. I don't know how to put into words why I felt that particular emotion, but it just overwhelmed me. Seeing my dad so vulnerable, so frail (in my mind it was like "gosh daddy you're really aging"), in pain, in discomfort, my heart was then broken. I think I've never loved my dad more than at that moment.

Somehow its that kind of vulnerability that brings about love. It was the same when Jesus hung on that cross on Calvary. I see Jesus personified in uncle siong onn and my dad's lives.

Tonight I found myself alone with my auntie in her room. She was as usual checking her 4D results -.-''' But like I told her to stop wasting her money betting on 4D, and she replied "ok, for you I will stop" (I'm sure she was joking...). But then she said that if she does not bet on 4D, she has nothing to hope for, coz she's single and has no children or grandchildren. I quietly replied, "But you have us..."

Thank God my dad came in and the awkwardness was broken. My auntie showed me the CDs that she's been listening to. To my surprise she's been listening to some Christian CDs. They are like those old hymn kind, both in english and chinese (the chinese one said "Sengkang Methodist Fund Raising Project" on the back. Good job dad! ;P) haha I wanted to borrow them, but realised that she needs them more than me.

I really hope that she comes to Christ. Coz there is where hope is found.

Lord, I need the courage to tell her those words...

looking out for each other; close shave

2010-05-08T15:11:00.001+08:00

We've been doing a lot of practical stuff but last friday was a little scary. We were working with blood pressure and performing a number of experiments. One of the experiments needed someone a little stronger to be able to clench an exercise fist clench for 3 minutes non-stop.. since all of us were girls they picked the one who exercised more. So we had the blood pressure cuff around one arm and in the other arm we had to press on and maintain the fist clench to put stress on our heart. things went pretty well in the first 1+ minutes. then my friends kind of panicked because they needed to measure a lot of things at the same time (diastolic pressure, systolic pressure, pulse rate) and the equipment's not the digital kind that can detect if it's putting too much pressure on us. To reduce the pressure/how tight the cuff is wrapping around your arm.. you need to release the air through a valve by unscrewing it. So if you don't unscrew it.. the cuff remained inflated and the blood supply remains cut off.

so the blood supply to my left arm got cut off for too long and it started hurting really badly. But everyone was really flustered coz it was the first time we did the experiment. so they kinda pumped the blood pressure meter too high during the 2nd and 3rd times above my normal blood pressure and then forgot to take the tightened cuff off my arm when they had to. the pain was really sharp and was in the whole left arm. one of my friends lynette noticed it too, so she quickly asked them to stop and i quickly yanked the blood pressure cuff off me. Really thankful though.. it was a big big big relief when managed to get it off.

Physiology's really cool =) but sometimes the experiments can be a bit.. heh like what I just described.. and we are meant to do it ourselves without guidance. am thankful that God got my friends to notice i was in pain and that we managed to get the cuff off.

it was a huge lesson to me though.. to look out for friends or the people around. i'm really thankful that someone did look out for me and noticed that i was in pain.. even though many people were sleep deprived that day (assignment was due). heh. yeah..

a deeper level

2010-05-06T11:13:00.002+08:00

Ok I guess I confess to be a very impulsive CD buyer, especially last month (i think?) when I was at the campus crusade sale then I got the stuff I wanted then I walked past the cd rack then I was like "hmm since I'm here might as well..." then I was going for usual choices like casting crowns, hillsongs, planetshakers or paul baloche when I saw a range of CDs by Israel and the New Breed. Ok, my only past experience from Israel and the New Breed was on one of those Integrity Music Top 50 CD compilation where you get to hear 1 or 2 songs from their top artists. Alright his style is hyper energetic and very very different from the usual rock/pop genre that most of the current Christian artists have. I remember once i asked Sam Lim (I think!) what was his genre (gospel, funk, jazz...) then Sam said he's like everything put together. So all those thoughts flashed through my mind for about 3 seconds, and I thought, "cool! get to hear everything for the price of one!". (and best of all, it has 17 tracks inside! value for money!!! :P) and I bought the cd.

Now that I'm like becoming some kind of spoilt kid driving everywhere, I tend to finish off my CDs kinda fast too. But I don't know, this one has kinda been in the car for quite awhile already. And I don't think I'll be changing anytime soon either.

I'm not going try and be perfect and say that its all spiritual and none of the music that has intrigued me. I mean the music is great, I enjoy the energy, the enthusiasm and vibrance that is captured within the songs. But more than that, I guess that there is a real spiritual vitality and honesty within the songs.

Simply put, I feel that I'm a kid worshipping God again.

Contrary to most of the other albums that I've heard, the cd doesn't start with a fast, upbeat kind of "rejoice in the Lord!" track, but rather a slow and reflective and almost repentant kind of song. Then in the middle there is a kind of "mood swing" of emotions, sometimes fast, sometimes slow, sometimes random guys rapping in Spanish, sometimes a silky smooth jazz piano solo. (there is a track with Chris Tomlin somewhere but I couldn't tell hahaha) the ending was a bit random, but oh well, i guess it was consistent with the entire style of the album.

I loved the fact that the whole cd was littered with prayer. I think that's how the best worship is usually conducted. I really pray that our worship leaders in church will have the boldness and conviction by the Holy Spirit to pray fervently in between songs, just making a demonstration that worship is really a time of intimate communication with God and not just some karaoke sing-a-long, which currently characterises the worship of some of our congregation (and youths).

I love watching the transformation. I love watching the guy who came to church because his wife forced him to and he’s standing there, he’s got his arms folded, and we go, ‘Lord, we lift our hands to You.’ And he’s like, I’m not doing that. You get to the end of the service, and somehow this guy has begun to cry. He’s got his hands lifted up. He doesn’t know what’s happening. I think worship and the Word of God has so much to do with that.
(taken from an interview with Israel - http://www.cbn.com/700club/guests/interviews/israel_houghton_041205.aspx)

It's not my desire that we sing Israel's songs in church (aiyah it'll be near impossible anyway coz they all sound ultra difficult to play. haha maybe uncle rich solo everything! :P), but it is my desire that we as a church worship God with a passion and intensity that He deserves.

2010-04-29T09:25:00.006+08:00

wah!

we had a 9pm match last night. the ref-ing wasn't the best. but I think the referee must have been quite sian of refing since 6pm.

a lot of 'contact' was not called and the other team was really rough. it felt a bit like mini rugby because they would bash their bodies against you; but then scold you or swear at you for coming near them.

it was the first time i saw the guys on our team (team name: hokey pokey :P) close to losing their temper.

thank God for Mel (our 'coach' who had a grade 2 sprain from her own game last week but was able to come down to support =) ). She would give us feedback on the game and was very effective at calming the team down. =) The peak of the tension was when the goal defence of the other team bashed over our goal attack (which is a 'contact' in netball) but it went uncalled. Thank God for her presence, advice and support.

She reminded us to stay calm and just focus on playing the game. She cautioned us against losing our cool and mirroring what they were doing. It wasn't easy but what really helped was that each time we had possession or noticed another teammate on court about to react.. we would shout 'slow down slow down.' or a short encouragement. after a while, as we slowed down and calmed down, it started to become obvious that the other team was not always playing fair. But the game became a lot more enjoyable when we stopped taking offense at what the other team was doing and tried encouraging and reminding each other instead. when the opponents fell or tripped on court.. the team was able to still make sure the opponents were okay before the throw in or the penalty. thank God because it's by His grace that enabled us to respond this way although we had just been quite upset.

there was also a point where we felt that too many contacts were not being called. one of the guys got really upset about it. but something that one of my teammates said really stuck in my head.. "the ref is not going to change her way of ref-ing this game. so we have to make do with that. try to make the best of the opponent's weakness. they are quick to react and will go for the first movement you make. so take it slow, fake a pass if you are able to, try to get the opponent sprinting off in the other direction so that you have an open space to pass it in the direction you want the ball to go..."

that really helped because it reminded us where our focus could be better placed on.

that really helped because it reminded us where our focus could be better placed on. and i could see that the attackers basically took her advice and weren't as affected by what the ref did or didn't do anymore.

the lead widened with each passing quarter and we managed to win 16-5 on the final whistle.

but the thing i'm most thankful for is for God working in us to keep our cool.. and showing us how we can encourage each other to play our best without playing dirty. i can see each player becoming more deft, the passes being perfected, and being better at reading each other's intended movement/direction.

the win became a bonus from God that we're truly thankful for.

we're really thankful and amazed by how it turned out.

and basically.. God answered our prayers too. He enabled us to enjoy the game and play well and proper. His hand was upon each player during the game and He protected them from major injuries.

i used to be quite scared after the final whistle when we had to thank the other team for the game.. especially if i recognise the ones who swore at me, shoved or scolded during the game. but now i realise that with His help i am able to smile, shake their hand firmly and truly thank them for the game. with His help i am reminded that they too, are people who were made by Him.

underpaid but overjoyed

2010-04-28T12:29:00.002+08:00

Was traveling home with my coach from training yesterday. It was nice to spend time with him and just chat about stuff and hear him share about rugby.

Then came to the part where he shared about how he's actually underpaid as a coach. I guess its quite a well known fact that you don't earn as much as a coach as other professionals such as doctors, lawyers or even teachers. Somehow the work of a coach is not at the same paying scale or other professions in the civil service. To me, that is quite sad, because I feel that coaches really play an integral role in the development of the youth of our nation, investing their lives in them and teaching them important lessons and life skills that they will carry with them for the rest of their lives.

But my coach shared rather candidly that whenever he felt tempted to grumble or complain, God would remind him that he should be always be contented. He shared about how his pastor would somehow always speak of something to do with that topic whenever he was feeling low, or how his quiet time would somehow always be about that matter.

My coach also added that he found greater fulfillment not in the physical rewards (e.g. money, fame), but in the more emotional and spiritual rewards. He said that it really touched him when he sees the old boys coming back voluntarily to help out with the new batches of players. He said that seeing them not wanting to take a single cent from the school, but doing it out of the love for their alma mater made him really guilty about wanting more money and recognition for himself.

So yeah I guess it was kinda cool hearing all of that. I guess at the end of the day, true fulfillment and contentment is found in doing something that will have eternal value and that will be treasure stored up in heaven.

Just as Jesus said that he is the "bread of life" and the "living water" that those who eat and drink of him shall never hunger and thirst in him, I guess that we will only be satisfied in life if we do the will of God.

I guess true contentment can only be found in a surrendered life.

i've become a "martha"

2010-04-26T19:55:00.005+08:00

Ok the last straw was when I realised that I misplaced the "PUT GOD FIRST" Study Camp forms (the ones where the schooling Torchbearers indicated whether they can go for the study camp or not). Firstly I was quite disappointed coz some of the Torchbearers whom I saw in their sunday school class on sunday (coz I personally went to each class to give instructions on how to fill up) didn't even have the decency to say that they're not coming. Either coz they don't care how much effort people are putting into this, or they don't care about anybody else other than themselves. Gosh! >:(

(But as I vent thank you to all who are coming for the camp. You really made my day. Especially Darren! :D you must be so busy, yet you are so willing to come)

But then I lost the Study Camp forms, which I really thought I'd put into my bag. Ok this is totally making a mountain out of a molehill (I mean, I can like just reprint and ask them to fill in again), but it is rather frustrating nonetheless.

And then my thoughts went to Ian's birthday (coz I saw the present in my bag that I was supposed to pass to yihui while looking for the camp forms) then slapped my head and said "doh". I guess I wasn't really in a good state of mind anyway, but I became so angry and shouted something to the lines of "My cell can't even get a stupid birthday present, I'm so busy with so many church things already!" Shoot man then my thoughts went back to the root of the angst which is the ACS OBA rugby team which has to clash with cell group from 4-6pm in church. I still don't believe I'm gonna miss the club season to attend cell group. Everybody macham complain like a bunch of Israelites.

Then my brother banged my new phone against the table very hard against the table (he had it coz I lent him to play games), so I was furious and I hit him to the floor and snatched back my phone. Immediately I felt a bit guilty, but I guess my pride stopped me from saying sorry.

And a few other things happening (involving saving the environment and our PHOS newsletter. Made me super upset and discouraged coz I really poured my soul into it), and some undercurrents (like the whole world telling me what to do for the youth ministry. Why is there so little unity and consensus in our church? God, I only want to hear from You.)

But then it just struck me. What on earth is wrong with me?

Jesus was saying "Nat, Nat you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed." (Luke 10:41-42)

Lord, what is that one thing?

I am no longer angry with the Torchbearers. I remember that I was once like them too. I went through the phase where I couldn't care less about church activities. I went through the phase where I wanted to go for church stuff, but was so bogged down with cca and tuition and stuff that I couldn't commit. But by God's grace, I am now serving God with everything I got. That's because the previous batches of Torchbearers and adults continued to love me and invest their lives in me.

Thank you all of you. Thank you God.

I am no longer angry with my cell. How can I say that they complain when I am definitely a complain king as well? When we go on family holiday I'm complaining, I'm making things difficult for my parents. How can I be so unloving and so impatient with them, when Jesus was so loving and patient to me? As our new cell song goes "Be ye patient, one to another. Tender hearted, forgiving one another. Even as God, for Christ's sake forgave you" (Ephesians 4:32)

Yeah, it was amazing how quickly I forgot what Louie Giglio shared in his video. I dunno I was just so touched the words God spoke through him.

Yes, Jesus was right. There was only one thing that Martha needed to do. She just needed to sit at his feet and listen to him.

I need to sit at Jesus' feet and listen to him. And imitate his tenderness, his gentleness, his willingness to subject himself to the Father's Will. I need to love because he first loved me.

But it's tough, think I shared with Uncle Blond on Wed night that I'm getting burnt out.

So I guess all the more I need to recharge and be refreshed by my Saviour.

giving thanks (:

2010-04-24T18:26:00.004+08:00

Seek ye first the Kingdom of God
And His righteousness
And all these things shall be added unto you
Hallelu, Hallelujah!

Man shall not live by bread alone
But by every word
That proceeds from the mouth of God
Hallelu, Hallelujah!

Ask and it shall be given unto you
Seek and ye shall find
Knock and the door shall be opened unto you
Hallelu, Hallelujah!

We joined the children in worship today at the kids' program at church camp. =) This was a song we sang. Their voices rang out =)

I smile whenever a sunday school song or a children's song is taught.. it feels i'm one of the children in the sunday school class too with them =) Thank God for giving us voices and words that can be used to praise Him.

a glass of cold water

2010-04-24T14:34:00.002+08:00

Was in church on thurs morning to print the May edition of the phos newsletter (haha issit more like a magazine? Haha magazine sounds more youthful than newsletter! :P), and as I was fiddling with the printer settings on the conference room computer, someone put a glass of water on the table. Haha i didn't know who the lady was coz I never met her before, but guess she was the new church office worker replacing "San San". Ok I'm not gonna make this into some ultra dramatic story to seem like I was dying like a thirst like a man in the desert, but I guess even though I wasn't thirsty, it was a nice gesture coz I've never been served water in all my stints in the church office (oops i'm not saying anything bad about you aunty christina or aunty swee yen, both of you are friendly and wonderful hahaha!). And later I was thirsty so the water came in handy! :)

But to make my point clear, it was nice to have a total stranger come and give me a cup of water.

Just so happened that I had been struggling for awhile about my efforts as the youth president and as a cell group leader in the youth ministry. I don't like to use the word under-appreciated, coz I've got all the proper Sunday School training that my reward and treasure is stored up in heaven. And even if there was no treasure in heaven, I should be doing God's work out of a pure love for him. But hey, it's nice to have people do something nice to you once in a while. Even Paul, in each of his epistles, ended with lengthly and rather mushy "thank you notes" to all his comrades in Christ.

So yeah so the refreshment from the glass of cold water, and more importantly, the love shown from that kind gesture from a total stranger gave me impetus to carry on working on the newsletter through lunch.

As Hakka church office tradition goes, Aunty Swee Yen or Aunty Christina would go for lunch at 12pm sharp. So like they'll tell me to lock up the office if I finish before they go for my lunch break. But this time when Aunty swee yen and the new lady came back for lunch, I was still working on the newsletter, mainly due to the fact that i printed more copies this time to cope with the increased demand from the adults (19 subscribers from the adults! So I printed 50 for the Torchbearers, 15 for young adults, 2 for our pastors and 19 for the subscribing adults. woohoo Praise God! :D)

Yeah then the nice stranger lady came up and offered me those wang wang small "snow" biscuits that I can't resist even though I know that they are highly refined sugars and carbs and will not my belly size at all. And she introduced herself as pamela and was generally nice and friendly in english even though I think she's from the chinese side. So those refined sugars and extra kindness shown to me carried me through till I had folded the last phos newsletter/magazine.

It's strange how a simple act of kindness can change your day. Maybe uncle Gordon is right when he and his YMM youths went to do all those "bizarre" random acts of kindness to the yishun people. Maybe there are really people out there who were like me on thursday and needed just that little act of love to show that God cares.

Some people ask why they don't see God working. Maybe it's because God's choosing to work through us, just that we aren't being his hands and feet. Sometimes I guess we're just too cynical that our little actions will be of any significance.

But I guess Jesus has different ideas:

Mark 9:41 "I tell you the truth, anyone who gives you a cup of water in my name because you belong to Christ will certainly not lose his reward."

2010-04-22T17:14:00.001+08:00

training was tough today (saturday, entry backdated).

i think it was the first time i've seen my seniors truly so serious about perfecting our game as a team.

it was really trying at the start when jun tried correcting some of the habits i had in defence that i used in gd but could not be used for gk. we tried a few drills but i struggled with the transition. some of the drills seemed really complicated. i would revert back to my habits halfway. while we swapped over and the guys went on court. i closed my eyes for a few moments trying to picture everything.. positioning, the dodges.. it took a really long time and many more mistakes in subsquent drills. i must have looked deep in thought. because mel came over and asked me what was on my mind. i told her what i was worrying about. and i was surprised and humbled by her words.

sometimes i tell myself.. jean.. you should have started living properly a lot earlier instead of waiting til now. i tell myself that a lot esp when i find something i love doing. i tell myself that a lot during training. or when i see what's happening in the youths' lives. i tell myself that when my body starts to ache a lot easier than it used to before. (one day the knees are gonna give way..)

but then, i'm reminded that God's timing is perfect. =)
and that by not sulking and feeling sorry for myself.. i don't end up missing out on even more. i don't miss out on what's happening around instead of just thinking about myself. it means i won't miss seeing what God is doing.

hehe. mel sent us back after training. the two in the front were fighting over the radio channels and kept pressing buttons. -_- . then it stopped at 96.5.

"For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love
I'll be a witness in the silences when words are not enough
With every breath I take I will give thanks to God above
For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love"

sometimes, i struggle so much with this question:
God, what does it mean to truly be not of the world but in the world?
i've never found it so hard til this past few months.
i've never seen so clearly my own potential to sin when i do not obey You.

thank You for what You've done. You know i'm not a good person and you know how hard my heart is. You know how my heart still longs for worldly things often and how i'm unfaithful. but still You did not withhold your love from me. still You set my feet upon a rock. =)

help me glorify You.
help me love You.
help me be steadfast.

those you love, you will chasten

2010-04-21T22:51:00.003+08:00

When I first started coaching after ORD, I was a little unsure of what kind of coach I should be. Should I be the "nice guy" coach? Or should I yell at my juniors and give them lots of push ups and no mercy? Should I give chance when my junior comes to me and say "Coach this part pain that part pain"? Or should I say something mean like "I don't care"?

I mean one of my objectives of being a coach was to show Jesus' love to my juniors. But if I use the hardline approach, what would they think of me? How can I be a good testimony if I'm seen to be yelling and not showing any compassion?

But I remember right at that moment, I was driving to training and listening to my new Paul Baloche "Glorious" CD. Ok, it is the kind of song that is ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE to sing during youth worship. Coz all the youngsters will prob go "HUH? What on earth are we singing?"

But the last line of the first verse answered my prayers immediately.

"Those You love, You will chasten."

Its scriptural text comes from Revelations 3:19 "As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten."

And one other scripture comes from Hebrews 12:5-6
"My son, do not despise the chastening of the LORD,
Nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him;
For whom the LORD loves He chastens,
And scourges every son whom He receives."

In fact this scripture from Hebrews 12:3-11 is really beautiful and really reassured me of what to do. The whole passage is about God chastening those he loves, so that we might become holy and righteous in His sight. The passage says which father does not chasten his son? And no chastening seems joyful for the present, but will reap its reward for him who endureth.

Haha so fast forward a few weeks, and my juniors are probably still aching from all the punishment I've made them do. And my throat is sore from all the yelling that i've had to do! (Hey guys, I'm being chastened too! *cough cough* -.-''') But the beautiful things is, though I've said some down right heartless and sarcastic things to some of my juniors (esp those who fake injury, or who are mentally weak or physically unfit), they still smile and greet me outside training. And I feel that our rapport is building with every session, such that we can even joke and laugh occasionally and chat about rugby and I'll tell them wonderful stories about how rugby was in my era.

I'm beginning to understand how this principle applies to our walk with God. Just like how if everytime my junior looks "poor thing" or asks for a water break I give in to their requests, I'll be breeding a bunch of players who are not fit for the rigours of competitive rugby. When the game gets tough and the score gets close in the final, will they have the mental strength to play through whatever fatigue and discomfort they are facing?

In the same way God sometimes doesn't give in to our requests so easily because he wants to build up our faith in Him. He wants us to not treat him like some genie who gives in everytime we have to endure a little opposition. And unlike me, who sometimes push my juniors too hard until they vomit, God will never push us beyond what we can bear (1 cor 10:13).

Think God would make a good rugby coach. Haha.

Lord, help me to be positive when you chasten me.

2010-04-15T20:50:00.004+08:00

i laugh so much and so easily..
but Lord only you know when i am stressed or when i feel overwhelmed inside.

i laugh so much and so easily..

because Your joy overflows.

only you know when i awake from nightmares, and when i'm truly down to no strength.

still i will give You praise and thanks.

you lift me up when i fall, you are the strength that keeps me up on my feet when an opponent knocks me over.

you are the one who makes my feet strong and fast.

you give me ideas when i receive complicated assessment packs.

you are with me in dangerous situations, when racial attacks are made.

you turn my eyes to You when all i want to do is keep to myself.

you show me where hope is found when i think about my unsaved family.

you show me where hope is found when people die, when bad things happen.

you show me forgiveness and love, that i may forgive and love.

you saved my friend and brought her into a relationship with You.

you made it so much easier to smile with 17 muscles than frown with a lot more muscles.

you blessed me with a cell group with friends i can call brothers and sisters.

without You i am nothing.

i praise You Oh Lord.. my Maker and the great 'I Am.'
Maker of heaven and earth.

i praise You Oh Lord.. There is none like You.

giving stuff up

2010-04-08T12:41:00.003+08:00

I knew that I was in trouble when the first principle during my BSF lesson was: Only the work God has prepared for each of us gives true satisfaction.

I had been seeking God for His will on whether I should play for the ACS Old Boys Rugby Club on Saturdays, or attending Cell Group. I had plenty of good excuses lined up:

1) I'll only be skipping a few cell sessions coz not all the matches will clash with our 4pm-6pm cell slot (WHAT IF WE MAKE IT TO THE FINAL AND IT CLASHES WITH CELL! I WILL DIE IF I MISS PLAYING IN THE FINALS!)
2) I have skipped cell before for other reasons like CAC youth leaders training (good opportunity for others to lead!)
3) We have cancelled cell before, to go for outings, CAC captains ball etc.
4) other people also skip cell and even church for their competitions/school work/projects
5) last time when I was still playing chess, my parents were ok with me skipping church to play my chess tournaments

But I guess the real answer was that I'd rather be playing rugby than attending cell. It's not that I don't like coming for cell, I do enjoy it! I enjoy sharing with the cell members, I enjoy the laughter and the fun that we have while learning God's Word and praying for each other. But its just that the chance to play rugby only comes once in a long while (the club rugby season is only 3 months long). And more personally, I haven't played for 5 long years. I guess to me, cell becomes dispensable when weighed against the prospect of playing rugby.

But I guess I wanted to know what God thinks about it. So I decided to seek Him.

When I heard the BSF principle, I was like "Oh no... God please don't tell me that you want me to give up my rugby to attend cell" >< I was like Jonah, preaching to the Ninevites, yet hoping that God would destroy them. I was praying for God to show me His will, yet hoping that my will and desires be fulfilled.

But then came when one of my cell members shared about his struggles with his non-Christian parents, and how it is a struggle for him to come to cell/church because he's afraid of letting them know that he's going to cell/church. Right then I realised that I was being awfully selfish and ungrateful. Here I am, with the freedom and the blessing of being able to go for cell/church every sat/sun and I'm trying to think of excuses so I can play rugby instead of attending cell. While there are people out there who want to come for cell, but can't because they are facing parental opposition, and have to come secretly with the fear of being found out. I was so ashamed of my attitude.

So I have made the choice to step out in faith like Abraham did. God told him to sacrifice Isaac, whom he had waited till he was 100 years before God gave him a son (that's 20 times longer than my wait to play rugby. Hmm fine, maybe less, coz I think he might only think about having a son when he's 20+). And Abraham obeyed though it might have pained him and he loved his son Isaac.

Yeah so God isn't even asking me to sacrifice my son or any human being! gosh its just rugby (Noooo it's more than a game... oops *slap slap*). Plus God didn't even say that I won't be playing if I choose to honour Him and go for cell. Just like how God last minute save Isaac and tell Abraham that he was just testing him and provided the ram, who knows, maybe God will last minute change all the games to Friday afternoon! (please God, please God do that!)

But even if He chooses not to, will I still be able to be like that lady in "Facing the Giants" (the one who couldn't have children) who said "I will still love you"?

Lord, teach me how to submit to you.

out of our minds!

2010-04-01T10:55:00.002+08:00

"If we are out of our mind, it is for the sake of God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you." (2 Cor 5:13)

I heard this verse while we were watching the Louie Giglio "Fruitcake" video in church last sunday. Louie was trying to do a little disclaimer thing by telling the non-Christians in the audience that if their Christian friends seem a little crazy, it's because the love of God is so compelling that they kinda lose it for a moment. But if the Christian friends are sane and "civilised", it is for them (i.e. the non-Christians) so that they might come to know Christ and not be "freaked out" by their Christian friend's weird behaviour.

Of course Louie Giglio was speaking in the context of worshipping God, where the Christians, who had brought their friends to the evangelistic rally, didn't go all dancing and jumping and shouting about coz it would probably disturb their friends to no end. Instead they worshipped in a "civilised" manner so that the non-Christians friends might not be distracted by their "theatrics" but rather focus on the beautiful words of the songs that were being sung.

So what makes Torchbearers go crazy?

If you have ever attended any of our worship sessions, we are generally quite a conservative bunch, in fact even during combined service it is the adults like Aunty Mei Hoa and in the past, Pastor Boey, who are the more expressive worshippers. I'm not advocating the high-energy worship style, but I really wish I knew whether our youths are actually worshipping God or just going through the motions.

When I reflect on my own life, I guess I'm also guilty of having certain things which make me go crazy more than over God. Louie Giglio used the example of Georgia football (American football that is), where the fans can be the most dignified people in society, but yet end up "barking like a dog" during the games. I can totally relate to that, coz if you ever catch me at a rugby final, I'm usually barking like a dog too, and often doing worse things that that! I don't know it's just that your passion for the team that your supporting is so overwhelming that you can't just sit down and cheer, you must be like jumping and screaming and yelling and gesticulating and punching and straining and shouting and beating and fighting to stay alive while you gasp for air and will your team to victory. You don't go, "Oh gosh, my friends who think i'm guai and demure are looking from the stands, i must remain in control, i must remain cool. You're cool nat, you're cool." NO YOU GO "AHHHHHHHHH RARRRRRRRRRRR YARRRRRRRRRRRR! YES!!! YES!!! YESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!" *pumps fists* *hugs friend next to you* *screams deliriously* *does little dance*

Alright I'll stop short of saying that that's how we should worship God, but really, those emotions don't even do justice when we realised how much he loved us and gave his one and only begotten Son for us. As Louie Giglio sadly remarked, if you haven't got it, then it hasn't gotten you.

Once again I'm not saying that this is the manner in which you should worship. I mean both Martin Luther and John Wesley were spiritual giants, but I doubt they ever got that mad (or did they... hahaha :P), but used very shy terms like "strangely warmed" to describe their emotions when they were touched by the Lord. Oh so ever civilised, but ever honest at the same time. I totally understand that these emotional rushes must be coupled by a solid grounding in God's Word, a dedicated prayer life and a humble life of ministry in order to be fulfilling and not just a temporary high.

Sometimes during cell its the opposite. If I'm out of my mind (e.g. cracking jokes) it is for the cell people who've probably had a stressful and tense week, and if I'm serious (oh hmm awkward....) then it is for God, coz it's time to focus on Him. So yeah I guess there's never a hard and fast rule when to be in our right mind or out of our mind.

I guess the only hard and fast rule is to be in Christ all the time. Coz when you're in Christ, no matter whether you're in the right mind or out of your mind, you'll be just fine.

if i have you, i have everything

2010-03-30T22:21:00.002+08:00

haha xie xie angie! :) thanks for the reminder :)

today was a brilliant day, first I got to shake the hand of All Black legend and ex-captain Sean Fitzpatrick and see former Wallaby wing wizard David Campese in action. then we thrashed Raffles in a B div match.

and then my Psalty CD arrived from America!

Ok I spent $25 on this silly CD, and I got caned by my mother and father for wasting money (the CD was $9 and the delivery was $14!?! should have just asked someone to bring it back from america!!!). Yeah I put a disclaimer to any impressionable teenager who reads this blog: DON'T WASTE YOUR MONEY!!!

But I had to buy it coz of a deep sentimental value attachment to one of the songs in the CD. It was one of those King Pharoah/Nebuchanezzar-ish moments where I couldn't remember the tune or the lyrics to the song, but it troubled me so much that I had to get it. The song was troubling me to no end, and I turned my house upside down in search of the CD/cassette. Then I scourged the internet for any trace or sniff of the song. All I found was the trace of the blogs of many upset souls who had heard that Psalty song in their infancy, and were utterly despairing to find it again. Sigh.

Anyway that led me to order the CD online from the official Psalty website.

Ok anyway the package finally arrived today, and I realised that I can now completely emphatise with the emotions that went through the lady in Jesus' parable who found the lost coin. I revved up the hi-fi set and loud speakers in my living room and blasted the music.

Alright, the song was a little bit pitchy and the voice quality was kinda disappointing. But as I listened I just wanted to break down and cry, but for my family that was around me.

For the sake of all Psalty fans who heard this song in their child hood and are at the 40-something tab in the google search, let me do you a favour and post the COMPLETE LYRICS online. Email me at prayerdinator@gmail.com if you want the mp3! May God bless the perseverence of your search! :)

CHILD OF THE KING

Lord I don't have fancy toys
Like other little girls and boys
My clothes are faded and torn
My shoes are scuffed up and all worn

Though the world might think I'm poor
I am rich coz I have you Lord

Lord the people stop and stare
Then pass as though I am not there
Alone I'm always all alone
I have no friends to call my own

Though the people pass me by
I am loved coz you're by my side

And I'm a child of the king
If I have you then I have everything
Though the world might think that I am poor
I am rich coz I have you Lord

Lord, if I have you I have everything. Thank you.

2010-03-29T12:47:00.003+08:00

this is kind of a reply to nat's previous post. =)

I think what nat talked about is actually a fear that a lot of us have.

Just wanted to share something my small group leader here shared to encourage us. Basically we were talking about how living a Christian life often requires us to give up things of this world we would desire - status, money, success etc. She's in her late twenties (a few years after graduating from uni). She basically shared about how sometimes she looks at her friends from uni and they're either doing really well in some top firm, making lots of money, travelling the world, spending their time just trying all sorts of activities and just chasing after what they desire, and she's just holding a stable job that doesn't pay that well, and spending her time ministering to us uni students. People look at her and say "you fool, why waste you time and effort on such things?" But she testifies to how fulfilling such a life is - just giving everything she has for God's kingdom. She is making an eternal difference in the lives of so many people and that is so much greater than anything this world can offer.

I remember at cell awhile back (while I was still in Singapore), we talked about how Paul probably stuck out like a sore thumb during the time of His ministry. Wherever he went and preached, his whole life and values just seemed so different from the rest of the world. He even considered himself an alien (which was probably the way people saw him). But that's exactly the kind of life God has called us to live - set apart from the rest of the world, to stick out like a sore thumb. If we just focused on the things this world focused on, how would we be any different from the rest of them? Ultimately, we are all striving to completely let go of the things of this world and live our life for God alone.

God bless,

angie

caring what people think

2010-03-26T21:46:00.004+08:00

I've realised that I'm ashamed of going to FASS.

I realise that I dislike going to bday functions of my ex-classmates. Not because I dislike them, or because I'm shy (haha fine, a bit coz of that). But more so because of a conversation that goes on at every meeting where they'll all talk about what they're gonna do going to all sorts of fancy places.

I've always thought that I've gotten over it, because as a Christian I should know that these things aren't important. Like does Christ want me to care about social status and prestige amongst men? Plus isn't sports what I want to do? Didn't God open the door to allow me to do something that I'm passionate about?

And how about going overseas? Hasn't God clearly shown me that he wants me to stay in Singapore and serve Hakka Methodist?

But somehow that prideful self in me keeps telling me that I deserve better. (or at least keeps telling me that people are thinking that I deserve better)

My dad keeps on telling me that FASS is ranked 20th in the world and 4th in Asia for an Arts and Social Science school. But I dunno, I'm talking to people going to Oxford and Cambridge here. Hello country bumpkin! I don't know, at the last function I went to last sunday everyone on the table was going to UK. Either they're too rich, or I seriously don't belong in ACS.

I've tried to find high and low and I've got no friends who are going to FASS. I wish I was 1 year older then I could enter with yihui, frida and ky. The reasoned self within me is saying, "There's nothing wrong, you're just taking a different path", but the real me is saying, "Is there no one else?".

But at this point I must perhaps slap myself with some scripture:

You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. (James 4:4)

So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. (Galatians 5:16-17)

For Jews request a sign, and Greeks seek after wisdom; but we preach Christ crucified, to the Jews a stumbling block and to the Greeks foolishness, but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men (1 Corinthians 1:22-25)

What if God calls me to be a pastor or missionary next time? Would I also care what others think? Can imagine CNY reunion when all the aunties and uncles ask the nephews and nieces what they are doing:

"Oh I'm a pastor/missionary/social worker"

"Oh that's nice." *followed by awkward silence/change topic*

Am I willing to be made a fool for Christ? Am I willing to cast away my carnal pride to live in chains for my Lord? Am I willing to do what the world considers to be sub-par & sub-standard to please my Master? Am I willing to be humbled, so that Christ may be glorified in my life more?

Lord, change my thinking.

I'm looking forward to the day that I can say with full boldness, "YES I'M GOING TO FASS, PRAISE GOD!"

or even "YES I AM IN CHAINS BECAUSE OF CHRIST! AMEN!"

but easier said than done. Lord, I need your strength.

Lord I'll live for you, though to the world I'm but a fool.

2010-03-23T20:36:00.003+08:00

my neighbour came by tonight and said that she feels like she's running a never ending race.. chasing and chasing and trying to catch up with stuff.
it made me think about what i'm living for today; and it gave me hope to pray that He would soften her heart towards Him.

siqi and i did our second clinics interview today.. and boy.. is there such a big difference in our personalities in clinic. i've got so much i can learn from her and i thank God for this amoosing partnership. thank God for blessing me with a clinics partner who is gracious when i make mistakes.

we got a chance to talk to a coursemate today after our interviews (: and realised that many locals have to work for their living expenses and university education here. to have parents pay for stuff after 18 is a huge blessing indeed for them. i think about how they're able to give time to the people around them, to remain dedicated to their studies and part time work.. and for some, to stay dedicated to God and do it well. is something that amazes me (:

thank God (: made it down to the oval in time for the positioning for this weekend's matches.
learning so much, about covering the wickets and covering your teammate when the ball comes their way..
and being covered when the ball comes your way makes you realise that you play in a team, not for yourself.

it's not easy to remember these things altogether sometimes, and so many times all i do is focus on looking out for hits coming my way or focused on doing things that allow us to win the game that what happens to my teammate on the field is none of my business. receiving encouragement from them and learning to talk and listen to them continually helps so much. (:

must dig ears ah ;) - so can hear 'yes' 'no'.

something that i encountered more and more, was having them correct the way i did something, and having the opportunity to do so for them.
hee.. reminds me of the iron sharpens iron verse la.

we went for a floor-run yesterday together with the fresh(wo)men. (: thankful for the barriers that i used to imagine between cultures.. being removed by God. thank God for keeping one of them safe from asthma.. which we only found out afterwards.

ben is running his race at last. (: i was really thrilled when he told me. we've always been joking that when he reaches 21, the both of us will enter the amazing race as a brother-sister team. mum used to joke and tell us SURE OR NOT.. don't fight on tv if not i pretend i dunno you. i'm excited.. guess it's coz we'll finally be able to do something together again (after a long time) (haha! not the amazing race la!)

so many thoughts in my mind this week.
a realisation about my mum being finally able to consider the option of taking a break from work for good when i graduate.. this realisation was so powerful that it brought tears to my eyes.

these things remind me how powerful You are..
.. and that You are good. (:

as for my studies.. i'm so thankful for the new things that are taught everyday. (:

got a really huge surprise today - the baka trip may be in july
=)

thank you for remembering to tell me stuff like that though i am not present with you guys =)

finally found the song lyrics!

2010-03-19T20:55:00.002+08:00

Ok ever since the Children's Party idea came up, a Psalty the Singing Songbook song came up in my mind and I've been searching high and low to find it. I don't know, but it was so touching, I just couldn't get over it. I was about to give up hope, when my sis suddenly told me she remembered a bit about how it goes and gamely sang it for me. Reinvigorated, I searched the World Wide Web again and finally found the lyrics:

Child of the King

Lord I don’t have fancy toys like other little girls and boys
My clothes are faded and torn, my shoes are scuffed up and all worn
Though the world might think I’m poor, I am rich ‘cause I have You Lord

And I am a child of the King, if I have You, then I have everything
Though the world might think that I am poor, I am rich ‘cause I have You Lord

yeah its a really nice song, now just to find the mp3...

but it just goes to show how Christian songs can leave an indelible mark on the memories of little ones. May God use the songs in the Christmas party in the same way.

does God care about rugby?

2010-03-18T00:44:00.002+08:00

i finally found the answer that I've been searching for.

Brock Kelley: So you think that God does care about football?

Grant Taylor: I think He cares about your faith. He cares about where your heart is. And if you can live your faith out on the football field then yes, God cares about football because He cares about you.

He sent His son Jesus to die for us so we could live for Him. That's why we're here. But see, it's not just on the football field; we've got to honor Him in our relationships, our respect for authority, in the classroom, and when you're at home alone surfing the internet. I want God to bless this team so much that people talk about what He did. But it means we got to give Him our best in every area. If we win, we praise Him. And if we lose, we praise Him. Either way, we honour Him with our actions and our attitudes. So I'm asking you: what are you living for? I've resolved to give God everything I've got. Then I'll leave the results up to Him. I want to know if you'll join me?

Yes, I will join you Lord. Show me how to lead them.

maybe it's a little bit crazy...

2010-03-11T17:47:00.003+08:00

came across this song while surfing youtube and reminiscing about my hillsongs craze days in secondary school (haha more of that in the next newsletter!)

I believe in Jesus

Maybe it's a little bit crazy to believe in what I cannot see
Maybe it's a little bit crazy that my best friend is my Saviour
Maybe it's a little bit crazy that a King would give His life for me
Maybe it's a little bit crazy but I've heard much stranger

haha yeah, my mum and I were just sharing about stuff this morning, and I decided to exercise my powers as youth president and support her in december. To what extent (and erm... whether we will even support her), it really depends on the next youth com meeting (My grand plan is to do a 3 week event, first 2 weeks full of fun and games culminating in a great Christmas party on 26 Dec where the kiddies [who have invited their non-christian friends for the past 2 weeks] can here the gospel message presented.

I don't know whether people will say I'm mad, but I really hope that the Torchbearers will just step out to be the catalyst for our church. Too many strong christian adults in our church are sad, disillusioned, thinking that our church will never become the vibrant, passionate, energetic church that God wants us to be. I don't know, perhaps I am going against God's will for us to be a boring and silent body of Christ (you see the obvious oxymoron!), but I can't stand to see us go down that plight.

The Torchbearers MUST stand up for our church.

The December christmas party will just be a start in showing the church that the Torchbearers aren't just going to be a self-sufficient mini church eco system, but will TAKE THE STAND that the CHURCH MATTERS are OUR MATTERS!!!!!

I want the Torchbearers to care for every aspect of the church. I want them to mourn when they see the adults lukewarm and coming into God's house late and with disrespect. I want them to be disturbed when they see the children's sunday school lackluster and lacking child-like joy. I tell you, before we can even THINK about reaching out to those outside, let us first reach out to our church. THAT IS GOD'S CALL FOR US!

Seeing my litany of capital letters, perhaps I'm not in a sound mind (haha read the first part of Titus. oops!). Maybe I'm being overly passionate and letting my emotions get in the way of sound thinking.

But maybe I'm just learning from my Master.

Maybe Jesus was a little bit crazy to die on the cross. After all He is God.

So maybe I'll continue being a little bit crazy in hoping that God uses the Torchbearers in this way.

jiayou Torchbearers

2010-02-24T23:31:00.002+08:00

my eyes have seen His hand in our lives,

so amazing and so beautiful (:

and there is so much more that He will do as we continue to obey God joyfully

keep going Torchbearers (:

2010-02-21T19:03:00.004+08:00

praise God for small groups today (:

the younger ones were much more willing to share their experiences and their thoughts on obedience, or their struggles with obedience in their own lives, which gave jason and me the courage to share as well. michael kept quoting verses it was really funny but really thankful for him. (we kept pretending we didn't know what fencing was and kept doing the build a fence action when we mentioned his fencing);

am really glad for jason, will miss him much.
felt my heart sink when i realised as we closed and prayed and then the youth in the group joked about each others' CCAs or told us about their tests, or jobs;

maybe like how your heart sinks when you realise that you will not be able to do something that you love for a long time.

but in spite of how i was feeling.. joy overwhelmed as God opened eyes to see clearly He is in control, His great love and mercy for us, and that His plans for us His children are good. (:

turning 21

2010-02-18T10:49:00.002+08:00

just realised blogging is a bit like love. You have to make yourself vulnerable, you don't quite know what to expect the response will be from your target audience, and it can be quite impulsive and emotion driven.

And you have to TAKE TIME. Gosh I love/loved to blog but just that I'm so busy, and when I'm actually on the com I'm chionging through all the sports webbies to update myself, I don't have time to actually click the blogger link and type something that I've been wrestling with in my mind.

The same goes with love. You have to take time to love someone.

Hmm how about God's love? Is it really like the sunshine? (you know.. it shines down on everyone.. you can choose to hide in the shade, but still it shines down..) The only thing I don't like about the sunshine part is that sometime it gets too hot and you get a sunburn! Haha maybe God's love is like sunshine with nice sunglasses and sunblock! And a cool glass of lemonade! :D

Yup now that I'm stuck in the hospital having to take a nap every 2 hours (pure bliss for me! but too much of a good thing sometimes can be bad haha), I've had plenty of time to be still before God and think.

It didn't strike me, more like casually came across, that I'll be turning 21 this sunday. (YAY! yay? erm... yay.) Ok I'm not really one who puts overly high emphasis on these kind of milestones, because I've already kinda regarded myself as an "adult" quite awhile ago, but on the other hand will still regard myself as dependent even after sunday passes.

But one incident occurred over the Chinese New Year holiday that kinda shaped my perspective as a approach this "big" day.

Uncle Robert Erion, my dad's ang moh missionary friend visited us with his wife. Then he suddenly asked me to turn down my NBA All Star game that was running on the TV, and helped himself to my bible that was conveniently lying on the living room table. And he read from Psalm 121:

I lift up my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip, he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD watches over you, the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm, he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

Every word resonated in my heart as he read them. I could feel God's Spirit filling me as His Word ministered to me. It was great.

He then said a lot of stuff about making choices and decisions and responsibilities, which I kinda already knew. Haha and he reminded me to choose a believer as a girlfriend (and interestingly added, "after that, it gets a bit complicated!" Words of comfort from a godly man!)

But yeah, I guess turning 21 is a time for me to rededicate my life to God. How much of my life am I really giving to God? How much room is there in it for Him? Do I remember God in everything I do? Or do I just go about doing my every whim and fancy?

Lord take this life and let it glorify you.

throwing tantrums

2010-02-15T08:43:00.005+08:00

I threw a mini-silent-tantrum last night while doing Chinese New Year visitation. I rarely throw tantrums, unless it is over "life and death" issues like watching the NBA All Star Game, going to do something that I want to do, buying something that I want to buy & and other stuff that are in my own interest. I felt that I was thoroughly justified, as just like the older son in Luke 15:28-30, all I wanted was a "goat"!

So I drove my family in a very silent car ride to my relative's house, and the final straw came when I hit the curb and was reprimanded by my parents. "That's it! I'm not talking to anyone later!" And so with everyone gathered in the living room, I settled myself on a comfy sofa away from rest of the family. I was still fuming slightly inside, when my favourite aunty sat down next to me. She had been at my house earlier, so she knew the reason for my upset-ness, and patiently tried to explain to me. But at that moment, firing a hail of machine gun bullets at Superman would have proven more effective.

Then the host family showered me with an assortment of cookies, bah kua, drinks, which I kindly declined with a Oscar winning smile. (Oscar for the acting qualities and not for the smile). Right at that moment I didn't want anyone to bother me, and I was pretty content just wallowing in my own self-pity.

Then my nephew brought his colouring book and sat next to me. My aunty urged him to come and talk to me, but he was too focused on finishing his masterpiece to bother. It sounds cliche, but sometimes you don't need to say anything.

"Nat you dumb, stubborn, fool. What's wrong with you?"

And I slowly began to unclench my hands. My cousin excitedly invited me to go to her room to see something. My older cousin and aunty quickly said, "No no, he's very tired". But I think I surprised everyone by following her upstairs to her room.

My brother and sister were there, and we were left looking at my cousin's self made mannequin (basically it looked more like a mess of masking tape and trashbag). She excitedly explained to us how she measured it according to her body proportions and can use it to make dresses. Me and my brother were bored to tears, but inside I was starting to warm and thaw.

My cousin's dad laughed when he found out that she showed us her "mannequin", and I gave a mock puking, disgusted face. I was truly myself again.

My other uncle said loudly in our dialect, "Go Home, Go Home, Ah Nat is very tired". And as I reflected, its these little things that show me how much I'm loved. Me and my brother walked out of the house first, and he quickly sat on the swing and threatened to break it with a series of ferocious swings (haha I would have done the same 10 years ago!). And as I watched him, I realised that love is truly in the little things like this, just spending time, just being in each other's company.

I guess I'm blessed to have such a wonderful family. They're not perfect, but they're perfect for me. I really regret throwing the tantrum. But at the same time I kinda thank God I did, because He humbled me and taught me that I have a family that cares for me. All I had to do was to open my eyes and my heart and let them love me.

Thank God for this Chinese New Year, He has truly blessed me.

2010-02-12T10:30:00.001+08:00

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin''
I'm whispering 'I was lost,
Now I'm found and forgiven.'

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and
need His strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and
need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible but,
God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain...
I have my share of heartaches,
so I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow! "

— Maya Angelou

Salvation Army & William Booth

2010-01-28T13:12:00.003+08:00

Have been reading a biography on William Booth, the founder of the Salvation Army. It has impacted me profoundly.

I didn't really know that the Salvation Army was a church until one of my rugby teammates said that he went to Salvation Army.

"Oh you went to Salvation Army to give your old clothes and stuff? That's nice!"

"No, it's my church.." -.-'''

Haha, yeah but after staying at the Salvation Army Praisehaven for the 2006 youth camp, I got a better glimpse of what they did. Basically one of their main aims was to provide food and amenities for the poor and needy in society. I guess they just wanted to show Christ's love in a practical way. Oh yeah, and they also wore very impressive army-looking uniforms! haha owns my current army uniform any day!

But it was only when I read William Booth's biography that I really understood what they stood for. More importantly, it gave me an important principle which I can use to make decisions as to what God wants me to do in the future.

William Booth was the stereo-typical born in a poor family then converted and give his life to Christ guy. At the age of 15, he vowed "God shall have all there is of William Booth". Those words struck me deeply, and I wonder with how much conviction can I say the same of myself. Reminds me of the man in the gospel of Mark who cried out "I believe. Help me with my unbelief". Its often after those bold declarations where the next week when the emotional high has fallen we scratch our heads and say "I said what?", "Did I really mean it?". It just goes to show how we need to renew our minds daily and constantly be transformed and refreshed in the presence of God.

Ok, our church and perhaps some elders will be pleased to know that William Booth was a Methodist. However, they will be disturbed that he actually broke away from the Methodist Church, who in fact condemned William Booth of being too radical. Ok, this blog post is not going to endorse or condemn William Booth's break from the Methodist Church, but one principle that I learnt is that William Booth knew his calling very assuredly. Even as a young boy, William observed the abject poverty that the people in Nottingham went through. And he thus realised that his passion was not to have a fancy degree in theology or whatever, but to be the hands and feet of Jesus and minister to the destitute of society.

I'm not slamming those people who study lots of bible history and bible knowledge. Neither am I exalting those who don't study anything and just serve, with perhaps, naivety and impulsiveness (for example, the book contained a story of a young man who sold everything he had and went to Morocco to tell people the gospel. He was not successful in that attempt, but ended up being one of William Booth's best commanders.)

I'm just saying that we are all called to different things, and we shouldn't judge our brother that he isn't doing enough bible study, or isn't going into the field to serve enough. The bible says that some are called to be teachers, some to be preachers, some to be apostles and some to be prophets.

I mean some people aren't gifted in highly intellectual and philosophical debates on theological concepts and stuff. But some people are and they should use their gift! Others can spend hours on their knees in prayer, like Praying Hyde, a missionary to India. Others like Billy Graham can evangelise and convert millions, not because they are so brilliant (though humanly they might be), but because they are God's chosen vessel to do this work. Like I'm sure Luke, Tychicus and Epaphras didn't look as anointed as Paul (though I guess they technically were, since we all receive the same Holy Spirit. Though in the story of the talents, some are given 10 gifts whilst others 5), they were still content to serve as doctors, messengers, pastors and other things. They all had their own calling, and served just as how God wanted to use them.

If God wanted them to pray, they prayed, not conduct evangelistic rallies. If God wanted them to go out and help the needy, they went out, not go to bible school.

Ok this gets a bit muddled up when Jesus says things like help the poor and needy, or when the Bible tells us to read and understand God's Word. Yes, these are all things every Christian must do! but what am refering to in the previous paragraph was specific goals and fields to serve in. I mean, I'm sure William Booth still read his bible, had Quiet Time and prayer. But still he held steadfastly to the conviction that was given to him by the Holy Spirit.

As I read all these biographies of these powerful men whom God sent, I feel so disgusted and embarrassed by some of the opposition that they had to face FROM THE CHURCH AND FELLOW CHRISTIANS. Its one thing to face opposition from non-believers, but being criticised by established church groups (the Methodists are not exempt esp in William Booth's case) and Christian leaders must have been painful. Both Billy Graham and William Booth were regarded to be too radical and non-conformist to be accepted by recognised Christian institutions and were thus slammed.

But just as we shake our heads in disapproval, we ourselves must check our own judgemental glances. Its one thing to ward off false teaching and false doctrine and sin, but its another to criticise another style of Christianity, or another approach to doing things even within the church. Something we ourselves are the Pharisees, hanging on to our legalistic preconceptions and failing to open our eyes to where the Holy Spirit is moving and working.

But what is the right choice? What is the right decision?

Last night during prayer meeting it just struck me: Lord what do you want me to do? O Lord if you would just tell me in no uncertain terms I promise I'd obey?

What about the youth fellowship? What do you want from us? What do you want us to do? Be it study the Word more indepth or go out and touch the community, please show us and we'd obey!

Often, our prayers are just pleas for clarity.

But I guess sometimes God for some mysterious ways reveals it to us. Even though we argue that we'd do a better job if we saw the situation more clearly (worldly thinking btw), sometimes if we know more, we mess things up coz we rely less on God. Quoting Uncle Siong Onn, Rev Jasper and countless other adults that I've talked to: I guess God looks more for the process than the product.

Back to William Booth's statement at 15 years old:

"God shall have all there is of William Booth"

I guess that's all we need to do.

psychology debates

2010-01-23T21:17:00.002+08:00

Read a Christian book by a christian author that I (and my parents) respect a lot. In fact it was given to me by my dear mentee Michael as a christmas present.

But the words struck deeply within my heart.

I have chosen to study psychology at university, and it is a choice that was made not because i wanted to study psych, but just that it was a means to become a sports psychologist and fulfill the requirements of my scholarship.

But then as I read the book, I felt very unsure about whether I had made the correct decision. The book slammed the whole concept of studying "psychology", indicating that it is at odds with certain Christian beliefs and attributes. It cited scriptural evidence to back up its claims, and seemed to suggest that psychology is at odds with a God-centred, Holy Spirit led life.

Let me quote a few harsh remarks found in the book:

" 'Christian psychology' as the term is used today is an oxymoron. The word psychology no longer speaks of the soul; instead it describes a diverse menagerie of therapies and theories that are fundamentally humanistic. The presuppositions and most of the doctrine of psychology cannot be successfully integrated with Christian truth."

"Psychology is not a uniform body of scientific knowledge, like thermodynamics or organic chemistry. When we speak of psychology we refer to a complex menagerie of ideas and theories, many of which are contradictory. Psychology has not even proved capable of dealing effectively with the human mind and with mental and emotional processes."

"The more secular psychology influences the church, the further people move from a biblical perspective on problems and solutions"

"Psychological sanctification has become a substitute for the Spirit-filled life. What point is there in seeking the Holy Spirit's comfort if, after all, deep-seated emotional problems can be addressed only by a trained psychologist."

This were all hard issues, and there are many more which I do not have space to quote in this post. Basically, the issue is that psychology makes a person very carnal and human minded. Psychology is basically a study of human behaviour, but as a Christian, are we even called to study our fellow human beings?

I remember that even Rev Gordon, when speaking to us, confessed that psychology does not differentiate between the spirit and the soul. It does not take into account that there is the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit present in the believers life. Yes, one may argue that he can study human behaviour from a secular point of view, whilst maintaining his high view of the Holy Spirit. But I find that doing both of those at the same time is conflicting and hard to co-exist.

So I prayed that if this is what God is trying to tell me, that I accept it.

Thankful that when I spoke with my parents, they urged me to continue on with the psychology course. I can't remember the exact words of the discourse, but all I remember is the encouragement and support they gave me. That meant a lot.

I really don't have an answer why God moved me so deeply when I read the book. I still don't have a clear sign from God on whether to continue. But I thank God each day for the love that the people around me show. I know that no matter if I take the course or don't take it, they'll love me the same.

And most importantly, God will still love me regardless.

don't know about tomorrow..

2010-01-22T12:40:00.004+08:00

learnt this hymn on tuesday
i found it difficult to sing it along with an old couple as i played and glanced up at them from time to time.
the aunty whom i was with, her voice rang out so brightly and it was full of hope

not blind and ignorant optimism, but a knowledge of Who our hope is in,
something happened in me but i don't know how to describe it.

one of my friends shared some of her observations at sgh while we met for dinner yesterday.
as much as we've learnt so much about awareness of glossectomy (removal of the tongue), laryngectomy (removal of the larynx and vocal cords)..
though it wasn't the first time i'd heard it.. it still took me by shock to 'see' for the first time there are people who deal with the consequences of these surgeries.. people whom are living and real..

i used to think that i was studying what i was studying because i could use it for my own idea of good.
but as the days go by and God humbles me and breaks down my pride and the castles i build in the sky and in my head,
i give thanks for where He's placed me,
and for allowing me to see the real state of my heart is a crippling condition in itself.

reminding me every day of His grace and love to me, and no longer just me.. but to all others around.

thank You for Your grace and love.

I don't know about tomorrow,
I just live from day to day.
I don't borrow from it's sunshine,
For it's skies may turn to gray.
I don't worry o'er the future,
For I know what Jesus said,
And today I'll walk beside Him,
For He knows what is ahead.

Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

Ev'ry step is getting brighter,
As the golden stairs I climb;
Ev'ry burden's getting lighter;
Ev'ry cloud is silver lined.
There the sun is always shining,
There no tear will dim the eyes,
At the ending of the rainbow,
Where the mountains touch the sky.

Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

I don't know about tomorrow,
It may bring me poverty;
But the One Who feeds the sparrow,
Is the One Who stands by me.
And the path that be my portion,
May be through the flame or flood,
But His presence goes before me,
And I'm covered with His blood.

Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand

Word or Games?

2010-01-18T22:08:00.004+08:00

"Should we have more Word? Or should we have more games?"

That is the question that befuddles me.

I really really thank God from the bottom of my heart that the new youth fellowship has been successful so far. All Glory must go to Him, it's only working out coz He has orchastrated and held everything together. We pray that He will continue to shine his face upon us and show us favour, but at the same time, we must also be keen listeners and make improvements as we progress.

But the main conundrum that we're facing is the "challenge of the lack or Word, and the challenge of the lack of games".

Been reading "Sufficiency in Christ" by John MacArthur, and his inclination is definitely tilted towards the Word side. I cannot dispute that God's Word is integral in the development of our Torchbearer youths, and I fully acknowledge its power! Truly the Word of God is sharper than any double-edged sword and I myself have experienced the truth of that statement.

But what is the correct dosage?

After teaching the Sec 1/2 class, I realised that the youths have something called a SATURATION POINT. Yes, the Word nourishes the soul, but somehow for some reason that my finite brain cannot phantom, God does gives us a certain capacity to absorb the Word at different occasions. E.g. some bible study classes i'm sucking in like a sponge, while others I'm hitting a brick wall. Not withstanding factors such as tiredness, distraction etc etc... I honestly feel that God has given us a saturation point for some reason. (whether he gave us that saturation point, or whether we create it for ourselves is a totally different matter)

But basically what I'm saying is that after going through 1 hour (plus) of solid Sunday School bible teaching, it is definitely a tall order for the younger youths to pay attention to another bible study sermon. I mean, I really really wonder how effective is this, and how much they really absorb. Or is it with our fascination with teaching the Word, that we exempt other important areas of Christian living such as fellowship, deep personal sharing (that wouldn't happen in any other setting for a secondary sch youth) , corporate prayer (again how often do our youths gather and pray!) etc.

Once again, I am not bashing the Word! I believe that it is integral, especially in my life, I don't know how many times God's Word has kept me from sin, given me direction, given me peace and comfort. But what I'm saying is, what is the correct dosage?

I feel that if the youths are reliant on the youth fellowship pulpit to be nourished then EVEN if we have the Word every sunday... they will still be terribly undernourished. The Word requires a DAILY feeding!!! I really pray and hope that the youth fellowship inculcates a love for God within the youths, such that the reading of the Word will be a natural byproduct of our love for God.

On the matter of our youth's discipline, one may argue that we should "train up a child in the way he should grow, then when he is old he he will not depart from him. The argument is, that we should train our youths to sit still and pay attention to sermons like they will when they eventually reach adulthood.

My big question is, "Yes they will be trained in the Word (and maybe a few dropouts), but will they know how to share their problems? Will they find it awkward to pray for their brothers and sisters? Will they have a bond formed amongst each other, or will they, as adults, be like strangers as if they were never together in the youth at the first place?"

Yes, these are questions that keep me awake at night, even as John MacArthur's book is telling me that every fellowship should be Word based. (with plenty good Scriptural evidence to support!)

And we move to games.

I must confess that arguing on behalf of the "Word" side seems a far more noble task. "Games" just sounds frivolous, self-gratifying, and perhaps a shallow waste of time? For goodness sake, did the early church in acts play games?!?

Games have risk of drawing people's attention away from Jesus and onto the fun and adrenalin rush that characterises most games. That might be like processed sugar to the youths.

But do games deserved to be vilified in such a manner by fundamental Christians? Are they extra-curricular or co-curricular? Is there even such a thing as godly fun? Gosh, does God have fun!?!

I thank God that he has given us a plan for the first 6 months. I believe that the plan was conceived with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, and I pray that it will touch the youths.

But in the meantime, I guess the best thing for us to do is to just trust God. Just wait upon Him. Just be still and let him teach and chasten.

Be it Word or Games, I believe that God's way will be the best way.

the character of a team

2010-01-10T04:11:00.003+08:00

I honestly wonder how many people still visit this blog? haha maybe its time to re-publicize it!

Went back to school on wed and fri to help out with the rugby team. Had a splendid time just interacting with the boys and having fun. (not to mention getting insulted by my coach for my rusty ball handling skills!) We were having the selection trials for sec 1s, and seeing all those young faces brought back memories of the day that I had my trial in sec 1 and was selected. Truly it was by God's planning and grace that I was selected.

But what troubled me greatly was the amount of swearing and obscene talk that my fellow coaches (i.e. those student/army boys who come back and coach) were using in front of the players. Is this really the example that we want to show to the players? I was so irked by this that I just quietly walked away from the huddles and conversations that they were having.

At once I felt this deep burden in my heart. Why was I coming back to coach in the first place? Was it to be acknowledged and respected as some dedicated ex-player? Was it so that juniors and outsiders would think that I have such a great rugby brain until I can become a coach? Or is it just to do something slack to pass away my time before university comes?

I have been reading this book by an American Football coach called Tony Dungy. He was an immensely successful coach and won the Superbowl with the Indianapolis Colts in 2007. But what struck me was his whole coaching philosophy. Being a devout Christian, he penned down all his personal struggles with rejection, with temptation and pressure to do things the worldly way. But despite of all this, he remained true to his values. He always sought to build up teams with character. He taught his players that there is more to life than just playing football. He told his players to be role models and to live lives of purpose and integrity. He taught them to value and spend time with their families. He led the team in pre-game and post-game prayers, no matter if they won or lost.

He didn't just teach football. He taught them how to live a life that was right with God.

I want to be a coach like that. I don't want to just coach and win trophies. I want my player's lives to be my "trophies". I want my players to turn into people who fear God and really want to honour Him both on and off the field. I want my team to play with integrity and purpose, not just with passion and a desire to win.

But there are so many fears. I am the only Christian coach. Oh God, there is such a lack of Christian coaches today! Lord, the fields are white for the harvest, but the workers are few. I am afraid of causing tension and disunity among my fellow coaches who do not share my beliefs and attitudes. I am afraid of being the outcast.

I thank God I have the support of my head coach. I smsed him about the whole issue, and he thanked me and talked to the other coaches about their conduct. He just sent me an sms saying "appreciate your concern for the boys spiritual growth its been really tough with so much unwholesome influence out of rugby already so its going to be an ongoing battle". Even he acknowledges that its gonna be difficult. There are going to be a lot of awkward moments and difficult decisions.

I really want to trust God in this. I really want to put all my hope and trust in Him to make everything work out. I really pray with all my heart that he will bring about a change like I saw in "Facing the Giants". I pray that He will make me bold in the face of opposition.

Praise God for giving me this opportunity to coach. I pray that He works and helps everything to work out for His glory.

2010-01-07T11:22:00.001+08:00

Hey guys!!!!!!

Sunday school is ON this sunday at 930 AM (note: AM! not PM!)!
(And after that we'll have fellowship!)

What to bring:
1. Bible
2. Colosians book! (those who don't have, you can let your SS teachers know on sunday )
3. Yourself!

Venues:
Sec 1s - 2s: oikos room
Sec 3s - JC2, JC3, uni girls: youth room
NS guys: look for Uncle Blond

Try to sleep earlier the night before ok?
(I know DOTA, L4D, msn, tv, books, computer etc are super tempting sometimes..

pray (esp if you struggle with sleeping early) and try your best to go to bed earlier once a week (saturdays) for a start.. this is how we can start to honour God together even in the little things. =)

Try best to come on time.
As much as it sounds like the right thing to do, it's also a way of learning to love and respect our Sunday school teachers and each other. =)

2010

2010-01-02T18:54:00.003+08:00

2010 has finally come.

For once I didn't make any new year resolutions, as I honestly doubt my capacity to keep them (erm wait... what were my new year resolutions for the past few years? hmm I'm sure i've written them somewhere...). I could wish for a blessed year, both for the Torchbearers and for my own life. Or maybe I could wish for trials to come so that I might be refined to a further level where God can use me for greater things. Or I could wish that be it blessings or trials, that God's will be done.

There's nothing wrong with all those wishes (in fact it'll be great to pray them everyday!), but something still doesn't seem right.

I just felt this kind of strange emptiness, like something is missing or that there are still portions that needed to be put in. Thinking back on the past year I think that I have been very blessed indeed. I feel that the Torchbearers have been very blessed as well. At the same time I feel that I have gone through many trials and have been refined as a result of going through those trials. I feel that the Torchbearers (esp the committee!) have gone through a lot of trials as well. I also feel that be it in blessings or trials that God's will has been done! (though sometimes I had to learn the hard way what His will was)

So yes, all this has been accomplished, so is it proper to wish these things another time around?

I realised that a sense of dread had filled me. A dread that I have to go through everything one more year. I dunno why this feeling just set upon me, I mean I'm ORDing this year for goodness sake! But I still felt this kind of reluctance to enter a new year (not helped by a wonderful christmas period with youth camp, no work and friends and family) where there are things that needed to be done, plans to be drawn up, work to be fulfilled, meetings to be attended, people to be patient and gentle to, Cell Groups to be organised, Follow ups to be travelled to, misunderstandings to be reconciled, awkward moments to be experienced... and the list goes on. It all seemed too much for me to bear as I pondered upon it.

No wonder I didn't want to wish for any of those good things (i.e. blessings, trials or both), because all of them implied many tedious. Gosh, I wanted to go to heaven to be with my Lord!

Being a well trained Sunday school student all the correct answers came out immediately.

"Come to me you who are weary and I will give you rest." (Nice joke I haven't even started my term as president!)

"I have come to give you life. Life to the full." (Yes Lord, but full of work and toil?)

"Be still and know that I am God" (This one was funny as my cell just sang the song "Beef Stew and know that I am God". But how can I be still when my soul is so restless?)

I don't know but its really one of those valley moments where you can't feel any joy in what you are doing, and you just get real negative.

I realised what my new year resolution should be.

Jesus, come and fill me up once again.

When I heard on watchnight service that pastor Joe has depression, I was seriously like "Lord what is happening?". I mean that seriously stumbled me so badly. Pastor Joe has been nothing short of inspirational for me as a Christian and a spiritual leader. When God preserved him from that ugly chin up incident where he ruptured his internal organs and almost died, everyone was saying hallelujah God must have saved him to do something great for him. But did God save him just to send him into dementia? Dementia has always been the most cruel of diseases for me. I don't mind dying from cancer, I don't mind dying from accident or murder. But Lord, will I still be able to praise and worship you when I am demented? Lord how can this happen? especially to Pastor Joe. It seems in times like this the song "When the tears fall" were written.

I have questions without answers.

I have answers to people's questions which I don't fully believe myself.

Jimmy Mutebi said so much about Christ in us and the power in us and we can heal people... I'd be straight honest I don't know how much power I have.

Sometimes I just want to be in heaven where I don't need to worry about such things. I want to be with Jesus all the time.

Sometimes it seems that I know all the answers, but still I have questions. why Lord?

This year I need Jesus to be with me. To stand by me. To sleep with me. To think when I don't want to think. To hold me when I want to let go. I need Jesus to be real. I need Jesus to be alive and show me everyday that he's alive.

yesterday jeanette shared that every morning is an spectacular encounter with God for her. I was just so envious (if perhaps God can pardon my envy, that might be it). Why are some morning quiet time so lousy? (well on reflection its mostly my fault coz I'm half asleep or rushing for time)

This is one time I wish someone would tell me that I'm not ready for committment. Because I don't think I'm able to be committed enough to God. How much do you want from me Lord? I know its everything but what exactly is everything???

Yesterday I had follow up with my dear mentee Ashley and we read Oswald Chamber's reflection on "not needing to know everything" or "God doesn't show us everything". I didn't show it during our follow up session, but deep inside me I was asking God, "why?" It was ironic that I read Hebrews 11 for my devotions today. It was spamming me in the face, "Faith. Nat, you need faith".

Jesus, you know my heart. You know I believe you 100%. But sometimes I don't believe the things that I'm doing.

There are times I honestly don't know whether I have what it takes to be youth president. thanks Rev Lee and everyone who said that God makes me adequate. If you say it Lord, I believe it. But why are signs all to the contrary? Faith is that of things unseen. But maybe out of a genuine heart I cry out that I need a sign.

I am so fearful for the start of the school term. Our youths aren't strong enough. Sometimes its like sending out a paper ship into the ocean. Sometimes I feel that our Cell Groups are building superficial fellowships based on the juice of one or two people. What happened to the days of the early church? And with all that in mind, how much can our fellowship impact?

It was funny when me and kaiyang met with uncle siong onn about the discipleship network in our church. In my opinion, there is so much staked on the initiative and drive of the individual mentors. In other words, the mentorship system will only work if the mentors all become as dedicated as uncle siong onn. I wanted to let out a sad laugh. Clearly my faith isn't big enough.

I want our youth fellowship to be something deep. But do we really need to go through the superficial to reach the deep? Thank God I'm still a firm believer that love still wields its power. But do I have enough to love all the Torchbearers week in week out with the perfect love of Christ? Am I willing to be poured out like a drink offering for the sake of the Torchbearers? Am I willing to not only do the projects and planning, but do the more gritty love work that the Torchbearers need? It is a hard calling indeed...

I know this is my calling, I am definite. It is why I am not going to study even though the door opened up for me. I know in my heart 100% that God wants me in Singapore for the next 4 years. And I know it is for the Torchbearers I am staying.

It is so sad that we sing some of our worship songs without passion. or with fake passion ("don't want to stand here and shout your fame. And walk away and forget your name". Ironic when some people sing it. maybe it needs a more reflection tune). I do it the majority of the time. But you can't force people to worship properly can you?

Jesus is the solution. Jesus is the answer. I believe in Him 100%, when he's near everything is ok.

My new year resolution is that Jesus be near always. When I talk to the youths that He be beside me. When I talk to the cell, he be the one speaking, when I get angry, he be the one who calms me down. I need to have the constant awareness of his presence, that nothing may go wrong.

I still have questions without answers. I still have all the answers, but am still questioning.

But I still have Jesus. And he's still near.

2010-01-01T01:56:00.007+08:00

during our outing to the botanic gardens, someone attracted 2 dogs (heh you can ask the younger youths who on earth did that :P) to the picnic mat.

it turned out that the dogs were lost.

i was really touched by the 3 boys' initiative to contact the owner, and as we sat waiting at the pavilion for the owner to claim the dogs. i told them it was okay and they should go join the rest who were playing frisbee. they said it was okay and stayed to make sure the dogs were returned safely to the owners. it struck me deeply because they were the youngest of the group of us who were there. their earnestness also struck me deeply.. and i decided to stay with them.

it was really funny as we tried to get the dogs to stay still, tried to feed them clean water. it was also funny when the owner eventually came and kept insisting that clement take the reward but he kept turning it down..

another thing that struck me was that they were still so joyful despite missing out on the games that the rest were playing. (:

it doesn't take much, it doesn't take big words or huge deeds, through them i learnt that we can let His light shine through little simple choices (:

and i'm really glad for these little glimpses into their lives that He has given (:
as i typed an email to share with angie whatever i could, my heart was bursting with joy, and yet settled and still.

i'd be willing to be their youth worker if He eventually calls me to be. it would be a privilege.

youth camp random thots

2009-12-28T19:01:00.003+08:00

ok nobody has posted here in a million years haha, but after a wonderful youth camp i think that i should post!

(1st, maybe the creative comms team should have a "webmaster" of some sort coz like in the internet savvy age that we're in, its quite sad to not have a proper website!)

Just some initial random thoughts as I reflected...

- As I walked into the multi purpose hall, it struck me that I am getting old.

Everything looked very unfamiliar, which is strange since I had grown so familiar with the whole youth group. I was doing the "hakka tradition" of just standing around, when finally sensible Sam Lim told me to go and talk to ansel's neighbours who were sitting very pitifully by themselves. So I unsuccessfully tried to generate some small talk, which were peppered by awkward periods of silence, before kaiyang saved me by telling everyone to get together. I noticed that my attempts to strike up a conversation with the other younger youths (other than my dear mentee ashley) were equally feeble.

But fast forward 3 days and the situation is totally changed. The cutest guy in my group (sorry ansel!) Renjie kept doing cheeky things like poking my stomach when I wasn't observing, and the twins were comfortably talking to my sis and stuff. I mean, it was incredible how the ice had broken and how our time and experiences shared in the group had really drawn us closer. Truly God was at work in helping us nurture relationships with one another!

- I was appointed room IC in a room where the average age (not including me) was 13-14

Yeah think it was very shocking, to really be out of my comfort zone and together with a group of 13-14 year olds (with the exception of Cephas who was at a ripe old age of 16 -.-'''). Yeah again it was supremely awkward as I kinda felt that I was the wet blanket who was preventing them from jumping on the bed, poking each other and doing all sorts of things that 13-14 year olds do when the "adults" aren't around (been there, done that).

And now I found myself in the role of the "adult". Ouch.

I thank God my brother Phil was there and his charismatic yet mature personality helped to soothe things a bit. Haha yes, I also kinda enjoyed the kind of authority being 6 years older than everyone else brought (much appreciated change from commanding my rather "liberal-minded" and "democratic" Cell Group members!)

But after the first night of Monopoly Deal card game in which we all blamed Cephas for his incredibly lucky hands (nice job taking ALL the Deal Breakers & Happy Birthday cards... -.-'''), and taking turns to ruin each other's chances of gameplay, I was amazed at the skill and maturity at which the youngsters played the card game, which most of them had seen for the first time. I think it was an excellent session of bonding and fun, and things really got warmer and closer from that moment forth. (well, partially due to the fact that our air con was spoilt also.. haha)

Yeah was touched at how my young roommies defended me against the evil clutches of dominic and gang, who wanted to make me stay up all night. I half jokingly said that I would start a new cell with them! (haha foreshadowing?)

Yeah but I thank God for all these little experiences. Though I felt initially weird and stuff, but after awhile I felt a real bond being built, and that would not have happened except by His will and providence. I hope that this continues through the years, and that we'll continue to grow strong in Him together.

reorientating (:

2009-11-29T22:01:00.003+08:00

this past week has been spent trying to reorientate to life back in SG..

just some thoughts (prayers, sharing and thanksgiving intermingled) from this Sunday itself..

really sorry my sharings are often not organized and in point form..

worshipped God together with the Torchbearers (:
saw some of the people i missed the most the latest (since coming back to Singapore).. today (:
had a short time with aunty pn, aunty vivian and randolph today.

felt so happy when i saw their faces and heard their voices for the first time in person in ages. thanked God for the time spent with them.. both in person.. and through other means when i was away. (: and their prayers and love and constantly reminding me to look to Him.. and that I am loved and prayed for.
Realised that a lot of the Sec3s to JCs are leaving or haven't been coming. my heart sank.
(: was blessed by Constance's sharing, Kaiyang's CG's sharing, Uncle SE's sharing, and when looking through the photographs for the video for our CG last night..
was also blessed by Aunty WY's sharing about the prodigal son.. God led me to the passage of the prodigal son 2 months ago.. and I read it regularly and prayed as I read each time. Each time broke me down further than the previous as I realised how much I truly identify.. or had been like the prodigal son, to God.. and to my parents too. But great is His love that has covered my multitude of sins.. with which He welcomes me with open arms and forgiveness.
been looking forward one thing that the youth comm has chosen to do (: praying together each week for each other and for the youth for a short while at the end of every sunday before going home. though so much has changed, i really give thanks and rejoice for what He has done and is doing in the youth and lives.. (each time I hear a sharing or testimony.. my heart leaps and I am joyful) and i know i can continue to trust God as to His place in our lives, and each of the Torchbearer youth.. and the things and people that I feel burdened for as I spend time with them.. not because of me.. but because of who He is.
I really cherish whatever time He's given me with them because I know time back in Singapore is 'limited'..
got to spend time with jialing and elijah (: met elijah for the first time. he's lovely.
learnt how important it is to uphold each other in prayer (through hearing sharings about the One Christmas rally and those who are serving, e.g. Rich's sudden illness)
God's provision of food (breakfast by the Bible Quiz organising people, and through those whose hands prepared lunch)
ran with Liz this evening and got the opportunity to hear her sharing about the Torchbearers as we were cooling down after the run (:
came to terms with the fact that God might have made these legs of mine not for full marathons.
was reminded why I run, swim, netball, or squash (: - "take my feet and let them be, swift and beautiful for Thee" I love to listen to this song while running.. (:
while typing out an email to angie to share about the week.. realised how much i miss spending time with her. but turned to oct 25th entry (: smiled as I read the sharing He inspired me with through her own sharing.. and the skype worship sessions (:
Psalm 100 (:

in Him,

jeanette

friend of God

2009-11-26T22:03:00.005+08:00

(haha was reminded through angie's email that this blog still exists! :P)

Ok, I figure that prophets don't get revelations from God perpetually. So what do they do in their free time? Off hand I think Amos was a shepherd, Moses was also tending sheep before God called him at the burning bush. Some of them were priests like Ezekiel and Isaiah (haha correct me if I'm wrong), so they prob had all the temple duties to preoccupy themselves with. And people like Elisha were farmers (k, this is really really offhand coz I just remember faintly that he had to burn the yoke/plough of his oxen or something before he could follow Elijah. Or did everyone back then keep cows for fun?)

But what strikes me is that all had jobs which probably had a lot of time to "stone". Like as a shepherd I guess you sat there and watched your flock graze and maybe play the harp. And once in awhile a random wolf or lion or bear would come and attack the sheep then you would stone it. (learnt this from Rev Jasper haha..) But in between you would just look out at the open grassy fields and let the time tick by. As I farmer I guess you are slightly more industrious planting vegetables and plowing with your oxen, but there must be quite lot of time sitting by the haystack and doing random things.

But my guess is that for those prophets besides just "stoning" the time away, they were probably praising God or praying or just talking and communing with God. I'm not taking away the fact that it is God's divine sovereign will which chose them to be the great prophets that they were, but I believe that God chose them because though unspectacular, they were vessels that were ready to bear his message. God didn't make their ministry powerful because they were planning brilliantly or strategising wonderfully, but because they were using this "waste time" time to just commune with God. And God liked that apparently.

Which brings to question how I've been using my time in army. Yeah I'm kinda slack as a clerk, I don't overly try to act as if I'm very busy. But what do I do with those moments that I'm just sitting there waiting for the higher-ups to give instructions. Do I daydream? Do I sleep? Do I try to amuse myself with my phone (oops wrong answer, my army phone has nothing!)? Or do I just commune with God?

Ok, it is a common misconception that communing with God means being in perpetual "spiritual agony" and praying for every single prayer item on your lengthy prayer list. Yes, prayer is soo sooo sooooo important (and this is a prayer blog!), but if all your time with God is spent obsessed with praying (or sometimes reciting) for the prayer items on the prayer list and thinking if you don't the world won't be saved, let me say that I firmly believe that this may not be correct.

Uncle Sin Eng shared with my cell a couple of weeks back that "to Know God is to Love God. And to Love God is to Enjoy God". In this rather Yoda-esque phrasing, I find truth. Not in a self-obsessed, indulgent kind of enjoyment. But in the kind of enjoyment that one finds in a true relationship. That kind of enjoyment that brings, peace, joy and all things "excellent and praiseworthy".

I don't know I find myself guilty of that sometimes. Like when I do my QT all I ever do is wail to God about the youths and the prayer needs and how impossible it is to save the lost. Not to mention the discouragement and hurt that I face on a daily basis. These things are good, but wait a second... Is this why God created us? To just have this rather negative and agonising wailing every time we enter his presence??

NO!

He created us for this relationship that I believe involves joy, peace, love and even fun. And I don't think that reduces the "Fear of the Lord" or the "Majesty" or "Glory" aspects of our heavenly Father. I'm still in awe of him.

James 2:23 "And the scripture was fulfilled that says, 'Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness,' and he was called God's friend."

It's just very humbling that He wants to be my friend.

thank you Lord.

2009-11-14T11:39:00.002+08:00

Almost cried as I was driving back from my grandma's place just now. Was listening to a CD that I've listened to many times, and a song that I've listened to many times. But as I sang the lyrics "Father, Spirit, Son, only true God. Exalted Three in One, only true God" I was just so moved that I couldn't even drive properly (haha oops thankfully God gave me smooth traffic). It was just so moving to proclaim such a truth about God. Truly He is the only true God who is worthy of my praise and worship.

Been burdened with a lot of things. (on a sidenote, I was just having a small philosophical struggle with myself. Is it ok to be burdened? Jesus says my peace I give to you. Yet how can you pray fervently and passionately, if your heart is not burdened? Jesus felt immensely burdened at the Garden of Gethsemane. I feel it goes deeper than a simple model answer "Have the assurance that everything's gonna be ok coz God's in control, yet pray as if nothing is in your control".) Chief of which is that presidency means that I have to relinquish one of my other ministries in church. Been asked to give up teaching the Sec 1/2 class, to which I straight away answered "No." How can I? Or how could I? Has God put this passion for this particular group of people in my heart just to take it away? Oh Lord this is rather confusing. And my mentorship with my mentees is on the rocks. Not because we have fought or quarreled, but simply because I'm so bogged down my the endless meetings and having the talk to several different people every Sunday that I don't have time for them. Even trying to find a time outside Sunday to meet up is so, so difficult. (on that note, sometimes God doesn't need you to be in any fancy committee, sometimes he just calls you to be a faithful and good mentor/teacher/mother) And my energy that I usually pour into each cell session is dwindling as I have to spend more time thinking about rather "irritating" and conceptual issues instead of being the hands and feet of Jesus.

So this morning I set aside some time to just seek God with regards to this. (haha actually I planned to use the time to seek God about what we should do for the youth schedule in 2010. but I guess God wanted me to deal with the more serious problems first) With great difficulty I came with the mentality of submission and obedience, that whatever He wants me to give up, I will give up and commit it into his hands.

And what the Lord said was good enough

so natural

2009-11-07T14:23:00.004+08:00

During our core group meeting last night, I was just sharing how nice it'll be if all the youths in Hakka Methodist Church was on fire for Christ, enthusiastic to do His will, and filled with the Holy Spirit and not denying its power (2 Tim 3:5). I said that the ministry of evangelism, discipleship, real fellowship (we concurred that fellowship is such a misused word nowadays), prayer, God's word would be so... easy.

Aunty Wan Yee improved it by saying that it'll be so natural.

It is true that if the body of Christ was fired up for Him, everything that we do would be so natural, so in tune with the Holy Spirit, and so glorifying to God.

Some people are just natural at things. People who love to talk are natural at talking. People who love music are so beautiful in their expression of music. And obviously my favourite is that people who love sports are so natural as they do it. Like you don't have to tell a football player to go and play football, he will sneak out at every lunch and recess opportunity to sneak in a game.

But then a question stumped me, "Has it become natural for me to share Christ and live for Him?" I had arrogantly presumed that I was one of the more "passionate" youths in church, and the rest needed to catch up. But am I?

Just yesterday on the bus home, I was with my army friend who's really been sucked into this world. The things he talked about are just so worldly all the time, and it is frightening at times. But I found myself being sucked in the conversations that he was having. I guess the human fleshly instinct to conform as if there's nothing wrong is just so compelling and persuasive that it just sucks you in. And I figured that maybe being a Romans 12:2 Christian hasn't become 2nd nature to me. Yes, I confess that I still struggle with many human weaknesses in my life.

How about the nature of my conversations? Do I pepper them with Jesus just as Rev Dr Geisler shared last sunday? Or am I still trapped in this "fearfulness" of bringing about a seemingly awkward topic. Even with my mentees sometimes it is so hard to bring up Jesus. I really don't know what is hindering me sometimes, maybe coz I don't prepare enough for our follow up sessions, or maybe I'm just not praying enough for out meetings, the lack of spirituality is pretty evident. Tough, especially when I'm supposed to be a spiritual mentor for them.

And evangelism. Phew... this is really not my nature. I can worship God so easily (wait... actually can I?), but when it comes to telling people about Christ I'm so reliant on that "special opportune moment" factor. I can't be like some people who talk to random taxi drivers, or suddenly mention Jesus out of thin air. Sometimes I secretly wish a sermon would be preached which says that "Guys, only some have gift of talking about Jesus out of nowhere", and I will let out a sigh of relief and be relieved of all responsibility. I just want my witness to be sincere, I don't want to irk my non-Christian friends with constant and persistent references of Christ. I want sincerity to exude from my being. But how?

Maybe that's why Paul devotes large portions of Romans and his other epistles to talk about the topic of our carnal and sinful human nature. Doing these things go against our nature.

Romans 7 - "15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out."

Not good. And I jostled sometime over this very cheem philosophical question: Am I trying to do good, or is the good only covering my old sinful selfish self?

But God's Word comforted me.

2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come"

Amen. The answer to the question is that if I am in Christ, I am made new. The desires that come out of me are good, as they are not my own, but of Christ who lives in me. It is a beautiful thing. Apart from Christ I can only think of sin, depravity and unrighteousness. But in Christ, I can find love, faith and righteousness.

thank you Lord.

2009-10-31T16:28:00.003+08:00

(: it's so fast.. and a month has passed since Elijah was born. i liked how Rich put the captions down for each picture in the photo album they compiled, because it helped me understand how my mum and dad might have felt and what might have gone through their minds when me and my siblings were born.. back then i wasn't old enough to understand yet.. it also helped me see what it meant to love the Lord your God with all your heart and mind and soul and strength and life.

2009-10-24T13:20:00.004+08:00

Haven't been here for 2 weeks, which is surprising considering how much God has shown me over the past 2 weeks.

Bought the new Aaron Shust CD when I was at Trumpet Praise yesterday. I love his CDs, not for the music, but from the booklet thingy inside (the one with the lyrics) where he pens down his thoughts and process and reflections as he writes the songs. I find it so honest and heartfelt that it speaks to me and inspires me to continue to have such an intimate relationship with God. Truly godly music does not stem from the groove or the moving melody, but from the godly heart and godly spirit that was working. We do not worship the music, but we worship the God who made the music.

And talking about songs, there's one song by Paul Baloche that I've been singing continuously for awhile, "What can I do to praise you? everyday make everything I do a hallelujah, hallelujah". How can everything I do become a "hallelujah" to my Lord? How can every breath and every thought be a pleasing and fragrant offering to my Lord? To love God is to obey His commandments, and his commandments are not burdensome. (1 John 5:3)

And yes, I've been elected as president of the youth com. (haha dumb uncle Rich went to embarrass me during Wed night prayer meeting -.-''' but thanks for your words of encouragement afterwards! :D) I don't know, I guess initially I had the attitude of "I'm fine with anything" kind of thing when I was first nominated by someone the week before. And even as the election day passed, I didn't feel any special kind of burden or "feeling" that might be associated with such an appointment. But I just felt a few things, which I guess I'll use as prayer items for my entire term in office (haha so formal! :P)

1) Humility

I don't know, I guess this is my most urgent and desperate prayer. I pray that God not reveal to me everything that he wants for the youth but use other people to reveal it to me so that I might not get puffed up and think that I'm so brilliant to think of all these things. In fact, I pray that I suggest a plan and be corrected in front of everyone that I may learn to be more and more humble. Moses was the humblest man on earth (Numbers 12:3), and God had such a deep and personal relationship with him, so I desire that too. I pray that when I go to LCEC or EWC and my ideas get shot down, no anger or bitterness or resentment will fill my heart but I will submit easily, and obey without question. I pray that I will listen to the young ones, be gentle in my words to my peers, and learn from everyone whom God chooses to instruct me.

2) Righteousness

Many a leader have fallen or not been effective, as they have still harboured sin in their lives. Just as the prayer of a righteous man avails much (James 5:16), so does the leadership of a righteous leader. Not that I consider myself to have any righteousness, but that God in his mercy circumcises my heart to be righteous before him. As I view my mind and heart, I am still so carnal and depraved, I fear for the double and triple judgement that I will have to face now that I have been appointed as leader. I pray that God keeps my path straight and not let me turn to the right or to the left (Deuteronomy 5:32). I draw immeasurably comfort from the words of Jude 1:24 "To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy" gosh, i need to memorise it, or can keep singing "We'll be faithful to our calling, for You are able to keep us from falling!". haha...

3) Love

Wah today after having a meeting with Sam Lim and Kaiyang, realised that we have a lot of planning to do! But what I've learnt through the 2 professors in our cell, John and Zhiwei, is that planning is definitely not what the core of our committee should comprise of! Haha they will probably say praying and fasting and reading the bible. But for me I feel that the core of our committee should be L.O.V.E!!!
I drew much warning from the letter to the church in Ephesus which says,

"2I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. 3You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary."

"4Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love."

Oh yes this is a sharp rebuke to everyone who proclaims an overheavy, cumbersome, dreary, overbearing, overmethological kind of church (or youth com or youth group). God will not be pleased! 1 Peter 4:8 says, "Love covers a multitude of sins" 1 Corithians 13 "1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing."

"He who does not love, does not know God. For God is love." (1 John 4:8)

May God continually give me the conviction to call my youth com and cell members. May he never let me say, "I'm tired of doing this", "This is stupid", "Aiyah don't need lah" but keep the love coming and flowing through my life.

decay and hypocracy

2009-10-10T09:54:00.003+08:00

Read through a copy of the Newpaper last week and saw the article about the wife of a pastor from one of Singapore's biggest churches who was creating some controversy in the US with some new MTV videos where she was mimicking Lady Gaga with body hugging suits and suggestive and sensual dances. She said to reporters that "I really admire Lady Gaga, because she is true to herself".

I then asked my army friend from that church of what he thought of his pastor's wife doing such things. He replied that he felt that there was nothing wrong as she was merely trying to appeal to the popular culture. He said after all God is also the God of the media.

I was just about to tear his flimsy defense into pieces, perhaps using some choice words about "wanting women to dress decently and properly" (1 Tim 2:9) or that "friendship to the world is enmity to God" (James 4:4).

But at that moment, God halted my judgmental tongue and caused me to reflect on my own life. Have I been also guilty of trying to appeal to my friends and those around me by living according to worldly standards? How many times have the tunes of pop songs with unedifying lyrics or tunes stuck in my head? How often have I tried to justify my actions by saying that "I'm just being true to myself"?

All this was a time for great sorrow and repentance as God gave me a damning examination of my own inner motives and thoughts. Truly it is not our position to judge others as we are equally carnal and depraved and are equally desperate for the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Corinthians 4:4 says, "The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers". People are being deceived into thinking what they do is right and justifiable.

We live in a world that is Satan's domain. As I continue to look around at the things that are happening, and the value systems by which people operate, I am further convinced that we are perishing and will soon be wiped out in the manner in which the Canaanites were wiped out.

And sadly, it is not only for the unbeliever. Our church is compromising on the values which God has commanded us to keep. There is no salvation without repentance, but sadly many people think they are saved without first coming to repentance and seeking remission for their sins. They go to church and can sing such praises to God, but their lives are whitewashed walls. Jesus said in Luke 13,

"you will stand outside knocking and pleading, 'Sir, open the door for us.'
"But he will answer, 'I don't know you or where you come from.'
"Then you will say, 'We ate and drank with you, and you taught in our streets.'
"But he will reply, 'I don't know you or where you come from. Away from me, all you evildoers!"

Not everyone who says "Lord, Lord" will enter the kingdom of heaven. Only those who call on the name of the Lord with a pure heart.

And Jesus is weeping for the church just as he wept for Jerusalem.

"O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing!" (Luke 13:34)

It is our duty as Christians to intercede on this world's behalf, that repentance may be found in this decaying world.

2009-10-06T15:40:00.000+08:00

A reminder from one of my jc seniors."

Please could you pray for southeast asia --

1. the philippines -- typhoon ketsana a.k.a. ondoy left most of manila underwater last week, typhoon parma is expected to hit come saturday
2. vietnam and cambodia -- ketsana is headed there; has already hit vietnam
3. indonesia -- earthquake in sumatra

love your neighbour as yourself -- these are singapore's neighbours.

choosing to encourage

2009-09-28T23:44:00.003+08:00

in relation to my previous post, had been searching for a new and fresh start with God when I arrived in church on sunday. But it didn't help that I was alone on sound duty (Edwin on bass), and had to man the new and complicated mixer thing. For those who know nothing about mixers, usually they have screens, this one only had about a million knobs and dials of which I knew nothing about!

I must confess that I have had my doubts about serving in the PA crew. Firstly and most importantly, I feel that it isn't my area of gifting as after more than a year manning the PA system, I still can't tell when the music doesn't sound right (for me as long as got sound can liaoz!) But still I'm not complaining as there is an urgent need in the PA crew (only me and Edwin are in the youth pa crew), and I have a responsibility to keep up to. Not saying that there have been no blessings, I feel that greatest blessing serving in the PA crew has been the fact that I am "forced" to attend every single pre-service prayer meeting before Youth service. That discipline has truly been a blessing!

Anyway back to the millions of dials, and because Edwin wasn't with me I had to click the slides AND make sure that the sound was ok both at the same time. It's hard enough doing one at a time. Needless to say, my slide clicking was abysmal, and I hope I didn't stumble anyone during worship! Sam Lim came to my rescue and manned the mixer for me, allowing me to focus on clicking the slides. But by that time I was just so frustrated with myself, I was like, "Fine Lord, I'm not gonna sing anymore, can't worship you properly anyway. Just click these dumb slides!" and I clicked the rest of the slides in a huff.

But after the music stopped, Sam patted me on the back and said "Well done Nat!".

I was kinda astonished as I was blatantly messing up the projection slides (and probably the sound too, but i didn't realise heh... ><), but still Sam chose to encourage me. I am so amazed at how God has worked in Sam's life, when I first started out at the PA Crew he would get quite angry if we never do the sound check properly or never on certain stuff. But I have seen such a marked change in his demeanor, I can only praise God for such a wonderful and patient president! truly a role model for all the youths! :D

Yeah I guess that just goes to show how sometimes even though you are totally justified to scold, it is better to encourage. I thank God for this reminder.

haha also a shoutout to andrew who sat next to me at the "soundbox" for the whole of service teaching me how to operate the thing. (oops sorry Rev Lee I was still listening!) I still dun know how it works, but at least I have a bit more confidence now! :)

everyday needs

2009-09-26T21:11:00.002+08:00

It's been very hard to live for God for the past week.

Maybe it's that "post spiritual" high kind of thing where the devil tries to bring us down and crush us? Or maybe I'm just grappling with my humanity just as everyone else is?

I think no matter what the reason it is a gradual spiral which descends into me not even feeling like praying, not feeling like singing, not feeling like reading God's word. How can it be that 1 week I'm on fire for God and the next I hate this religion that I profess? It reminds me of the hillsongs song "don't want to stand here and shout your praise, and walk away and forget your name". But when the music fades and lights come back on, where do I stand in my relationship with Jesus? Is he merely an emotionally driven character who appears strongly once in awhile, before fading into oblivion within a matter of days?

I guess deep inside me I hunger for a relationship with God that is deep and authentic. Something that doesn't care what other people say. Even in human relationships we feel paiseh or ashamed when we go out with certain types of people, how much more with a God that is not seen in plain sight, and does not talk to you in a humanly audible and consistent voice? I begin to sympathize with the disciples who cried, "Who then can be saved?"

Sometimes I wish I had the power to be one of those ultra-live-their-whole life reflecting Jesus kind of people. "Till every piece of me cries out: Jesus loves you". When I go to uni will every piece of me cry out that Jesus is supreme in my life? Or will I be afraid of being too imposing with my faith and thus making those around me uncomfortable? "I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of salvation to all who believes". But is that what I truly reflect in my lifestyle?

And sadly I realise in my life that there are still somethings that I desire more than Christ, no matter how much I try to relinquish them. Like at the airport last night I endured an awkward moment where I was greatly stumbled. Like why do these kind of things happen? Maybe it is just to show how worldly and depraved I still am, and how I still constantly need Jesus' grace to be poured upon my life.

During guard orderly on thurs night it was nice to just have some quiet and peace by myself. And I just cried out to God to save me. Save me again and again from myself and my innate evil and carnality. To save me from my unbelief that compels me to be so secular. To save me from my fears and doubts that cause me to deny the power of Jesus in my life.

Jesus did it all 2000 years ago. But sometimes it just feels like yesterday to me. Maybe its due to the circumstances that we face everyday. Maybe its due to the fact that we are the branches and if we don't abide in the vine everyday, our lives will be so dry and so empty.

Though we are sanctified daily, I don't believe that there is such a thing as a "progression of needs". We all need God's grace each day to keep us alive. We need to renew that desperation for him no matter how many bible studies or prayer meetings or evangelistic rallies we've had. We still need to come back to our first love each day.

Thank you Lord Jesus, be close to me each day

2009-09-18T19:31:00.002+08:00

i've never watched Prince of Egypt before today, when i was a kid and dad bought the vcd home.. i thought it was more boring than the other disney shows we'd seen before. and someone told me it wasn't 100% accurate too.. but.. i really loved watching it. Small group friend Bailey and me were watching after school today before bs.

two of the least expected scenes moved my heart.

the first was.. how the basket reached where it finally ended up at..
for the basket to reach where it reached safely.. was a miracle in itself, it wasn't an accident..
neither are any of you reading this, God planned exactly for you to be where He's brought you.

the second was when moses came across the burning bush.. and when God called his name and spoke to him.. God was quoated exactly as He spoke in the bible (heh the english version though).. mm.. i criticise Moses.. and said he had no faith.. but that's how i'm like many times when God speaks..

God spoke to Moses even after all he had done (like murder a man).. God speaks to you and me everyday. (: we even have His Word, which they didn't have all of it last time.

church school sunday

2009-09-13T23:14:00.000+08:00

Uncle Blond gave an excellent sermon today, something that really spoke to me. It was not so much on the word aspect, but rather on the whole "walk with God" situation in my life.

(1 Peter 2)
1Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. 2Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, 3now that you have tasted that the Lord is good.

Firstly he talked about remembering our salvation.
How easy is it for us to sing about Jesus death and resurrection without a blink of an eyelid. How easy is it for us to live for days without even thinking about the awesomeness of Jesus's grace and mercy when he died for us. And how often do I forget the pain that my Saviour had to endure when he bore the cross on my sins upon his bruised back. Every piece of Jesus cries out that he loves me. Do I love him in that same manner?

Second he talked about removing sin.
I liked the progression that he pointed out: malice to deceit. when we are deceived we think we can get away with being hypocrites. and being hypocritical we envy those who are equally hypocritical, and slander and it kinda degenerates. I guess sometimes I'm like that. Like I'm hypocritical in the sense that I say a lot of stuff during cell and prayer meetings and stuff that I might not always practice in my life. Like how can I tell my mentees not to be superficial when I'm still such a superficial person. Or how can I tell others to reconcile and forgive, when there are still people in my life that I'm unable to forgive? Lord, sometimes I just feel its not as easy as it seems?
All I can do is to ask him to search me and try me and have mercy upon me.

Thirdly is requiring feeding. The analogy of a baby needing his mother's milk was used and I think that Peter got it spot on. I saw my niece Claire last night and she was craving for nourishment. She was totally dependent on it, not being satisfied until she attained the milk that she needed. The milk is her source of strength, the feeding of the milk is an intimate time she can spend with her mother. Likewise, is God really the life source in my life? Can I live a moment apart from his presence? Do I feel lost or weak if I have not spent enough time absorbing the strength and nutrients from his presence? Is my mind constantly filled with things above? Do I hunger and thirst for him just as the deer panteth for the water?

I don't know, all this sounds very damning and discouraging when I realise how short I fall in terms of God's standard. I'm still craving for the things of this world more than I crave for God. I crave for recognition, for comfort, for approval, for admiration, for all things carnal that contributed to the fall of this earthly race. How am I different from the others whom I look with judgmental eyes? Am I just living a secular life with Christian flavour?

The last point that Uncle Blond shared about was remembering the blessings. My first reaction was: "What blessings?"

But as I thought about it I realised how blessed I am.

I'm blessed with a wonderful family who loves me. I'm blessed with parents who teach me how to live a life worthy of Christ. I'm blessed with siblings who bring me joy every sullen day. I'm blessed with friends who care about me (even though sometimes I get negative and wonder if they even care. how myopic!). I'm blessed with opportunities to minister, opportunities to share God's love with those around me, opporturnities to serve my brothers and sisters and show them God's mercy and grace.

And most importantly, I'm blessed because I have you Lord.

As I typed this, I didn't know where it was going. But emotion swelled up within me as I typed that last sentence. I have come back to the realisation of what this is all about.

It's all about you Lord. And how you love me.

anger and encouragement

2009-09-07T22:06:00.000+08:00

It was a bad football match.

The ground was muddy, everyone was dirty, we had conceded stupid goals from stupid mistakes and I confess I had a part to play in them. Our opponents played aggressively, with regular body checks and sliding tackles, it was a feisty encounter. didn't help that both teams were evenly matched and highly competitive.

But despite the cold weather, I was getting really heated inside.

After getting scolded and blamed by my teammates for the goals, I was getting frustrated and disheartened. And I was furious that people were being so darn harsh.

We conceded another goal and the blame was on me and I had enough. The sequence rolled in my mind several times: I would walk up to him, punch him, turn around, whip off my shirt, get my bag and drive home. And that would probably mean my last game with the team. Not that it bothered me anyway.

But somehow God in his infinite mercy and grace stepped in and intervene, preventing me from doing something potentially catastrophic that I might regret for the rest of my life. Our big Malay goalkeeper Rudy, who had every right to be grumpy as he had not eaten since morning, came up to me, and instead of blaming me he started off rather amusingly,

"You will probably find me the nicest goalkeeper you'll ever play with"

and he was spot on.

Instead of blaming me, he demonstrated a kind of tranquility and peacefulness that was in stark contrast with my raging heart. His words soothed my soul, and calmed my mind. Though he is definitely not a Christian, I could feel God's power working through him to minister to me.

We drew 4-4 and I conceded the penalty that helped our opposition to draw the game. But I didn't get angry again.

After the match Sam Chong and Randolph congratulated me for a game well played. They meant it and I needed it.

And Sam was the best, he smsed me,

"Hey, good game today! Don't take the shouting to heart. You're improving with every game :)"

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." (Proverbs 15:1)

Truly I have experienced the power of this proverb, and God managed to turn something that was heading for destruction, into something from which I managed to learn such an important lesson.

2009-08-30T21:15:00.001+08:00

did you know they have braille bibles? (:

http://www.braillebibles.org/

jars of clay

2009-08-30T18:33:00.001+08:00

Went with my cell yesterday to see the excellent dead sea scrolls exhibition in the Arts House. In addition to the 4 puny fragments of the dead sea scrolls, there were many ancient bibles, which revealed the painstaking process which our forefathers went through to ensure that God's Word was preserved. It was just astounding to see for myself first-hand evidence that God's Word isn't just any fairytale or conspiracy that some crazy monk might have written in his spare time. But it is a living Word which God has specially preserved and gave us evidence so that our faith may be strengthened.

There were many inspirational things that I found out. Like for example Isaiah is the only scroll which was totally complete. And they put down this verse Isaiah 55:11

so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

Truly amen to that!

And we also got to see the coins which they used during biblical times, and our wonderful tour guide told us about how Jesus was betrayed by Judas for 30 pieces of silver which was the price of a common slave, and how the denarii was the currency used back then, and Jesus gave the famous quote "give to Caesar what is Caesar's and give to God what is God's".

But by far the most significant part of the exhibit was the part where they wrote that that the dead sea scrolls were found many centuries later in jars of clay. I had just been reading 2 Corinthians 4, which speaks of these "jars of clay".

1Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. 2Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God. 3And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. 4The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. 5For we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. 6For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness,"[a]made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.

7But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. 12So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

13It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken."[b]With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, 14because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence. 15All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

16Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Amen to that again. Truly I was touched that though outwardly everything may seem to be going wrong, but inwardly we're being renewed day by day. It was an amazing revelation that just as God had preserved the scrolls in those jars of clay, similarly His power resides within us, and that will never be destroyed!

2009-08-26T19:01:00.005+08:00

Last week, I remember telling siqi that we might end up having to run after our kids this week with the voice recorders.. then we started imitating tired pple running and bending very low in a very exaggerated manner (the tasks are to collect their speech sample)

Heh.. guess what? That's exactly what I found myself doing with the little boy today.. Maybe we should really watch our mouths before making fun of our tasks.

We ran around, sat in the sandbox, swung in the swing, pitched the handball (the mini bouncy baseball sized balls =) ) he talked about Narnia (he went around with the toy shovel and pretending it was a sword..and was demonstrating how to get rid of not-so-nice monsters then eventually, the shovel became a axe to chop the tree down.. it took a really long time to persuade him to stop whacking the tree because the teacher was making up her mind whether she should come over and stop this little boy from killing the tree (a weaker branch was coming off) with his shovel or let the inexperienced year one girl do it.. heh..) hid in the trees, stamped his nose (they like stamps a lot) and got stamped on the cheek (with a voice recorder in the hand throughout =P)

Thinking about those who serve Him by working with the little ones.. it's definitely not an easy task to do it.. any number more than 5 gets challenging because it's difficult to listen to each child with love and patience at the same time.. especially when all 5 talk at the same time. it gets difficult when discipline has to be meted out too.. sometimes when I watch and observe the class lessons and how frequently it gets disrupted because someone out of the 15 of them is misbehaving.. and how it becomes difficult for the teachers to be sensitive to each child.. and how sometimes the kids do get into fights with each other quite easily.

but at the same time.. i caught a glimpse of the little joys God blesses them with today =)

just after that last sentence typed, a thought did come into my head.. what if we were just like those little children who kept misbehaving and not listening to the teacher, poking and starting fights with each other.. and day after day all the teacher has to do is just keep disciplining us and trying to get us to be still and all? just that our teacher is God. it was a amusing thought and the comparison isn't too complete.. but true in some way.

and it's true too that God never runs out of patience with us,

because love is patient, and God is love.

if only we could just listen and be still and let Him have His way in us.. we'd finally grow up in our Heavenly Father and be out of 'kindergarten' then =)

the proper response

2009-08-26T12:13:00.000+08:00

When I signed up for the Inter-Formation LAN Games competition, my boss wasn't very happy. She was like, "Do you expect me to give you off?"

and me and my friend looked at each other rather sheepishly.

With no answer to be heard, she continued, "You are playing computer games right?"

Well... Not entirely untrue. "Playing computer games" implies meaningless, frivolous time wasting. We would afterall be representing the formation, so in a sense it was our "honourable duty" to bring glory to the formation right? Plus we had the endorsement from our Formation Sergeant Major, so surely such a top down instruction couldn't be disobeyed right??

The next day, my friend was like "You were supposed to be on half day off yesterday right?"

"Erm ya.."

"But you went for the LAN games training right? Then your off how?"

"Nvm lah."

"I help you ask boss"

Before I could utter "eh don't be stupid!!!", he went to my boss's cubicle and asked her whether I could reclaim my off and take it another day.

And my boss said out of her cubicle in a rather loud voice, "Cannot! You want sunshine and you also want rain? You want to play your game and take off? Cannot!"

By now I was fuming mad. Like this is messed up.. I already accept that I would lose the off then my stupid friend still go and ask boss, then make me so humiliated in front of the whole office. And my boss is super ngiao, I never take a single MC the whole year, then some slackers in my office whole day skive and take MC. I always do her work properly and before deadline, can't she just bend backwards a little and be gracious? and in my mind I was just cursing my boss and my friend over and over again, getting more and more worked up the more I thought about it.

But about an hour later, my boss said, "Nat, tomorrow your competition how long?"

"Until 12 Mdm."

"Ok, after that you can go home"

I love you Mdm!!! Gosh I was so happy I felt like I had the best boss in the world! :D :D :D

Strange how we can hate one person at one moment and love them the next?

(in case you were wondering, this is a true story, it happened yesterday!

I felt very guilty as I thought about my response and attitude towards my friend and my boss.

My friend was just trying to help me, and yet I got so angry with him. Why was I so centred about my own ego and pride that I didn't see the care and love that he showed by doing it for me (by asking boss, he risked getting scolded himself). And why was I so quick to get angry and heated up against my boss? I guess it was a demonstration of my own impatience, strong-will and immaturity. I had to get my own way, I had to get what I wanted. When she rejected me she was totally unfair and unreasonable, but when she allowed me to take off, she suddenly became so angelic and wonderful. It made me realise how superficial I can be with my love.

Similarly, how do I regard people and treat them. If my close friend suddenly says something to me that I don't like to hear, do I immediately go "I don't think I like you anymore" and have this critical "you-don't-have-a-right-to-say-these-kind-of-things-to-me" view of them? or do I just value people because their kind and do nice things to me? It brought forth a damning examination of my own inner attitude and heart.

Our Lord Jesus was the perfect example. Even when people criticised him, hurled insults at him, whipped him and scorned him, he still loved them the same. It is truly amazing...

Lord, forgive me for my sins. Help me to become more like you.

2009-08-26T07:57:00.002+08:00

21"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 22Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' 23Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'

- Matt 7:21-23

Pray:

That we may know God and not just know about Him

It's just like how we know quite a bit about our favourite mm.. let's see.. player, team, Bible character (heh.. keep adding on to this list, I'm stumped!), but they don't necessarily know us. It's a little something like that.

It says here (and even in Galatians 4:9), when we know God, we are known by God. And that's a blessing.. to be known by our awesome God. =)

(check out Psalm 139 too!)

2009-08-25T15:38:00.000+08:00

When I walk through suffering
Let it be an offering
Like a fragrance rising
In the valley of shadow
Not to waste my sorrows
But to trust and follow

Until the day
When you wipe away every tear
You will hold me, carry me
Till that day
When You take away every fear
No more suffering
Who can imagine?

So I'll trade my sorrows
For the joy of serving you
Sharing your tomorrow
With your comfort, comforting
Bringing hope from hope you bring
My whole life an offering

Until the day
When You wipe away every tear
You will hold me, carry me
Till that day
When You take away every fear
No more suffering
Who can imagine that day?

Relationships

2009-08-23T21:49:00.000+08:00

Beginning to rediscover how important relationships are in this world. There was a time I was cynical, but now I think I'm softening again.

Went out with my 2 mentees for lunch today. It was quite interesting they introduced me to Donut Factory (which I thot only sell donuts. I've never stepped into Donut Factory before coz I think there are better ways to allocate my calories haha...), and we had a nice lunch there. It was interesting to hear about them talk about Mousehunt (which I have no idea about. I will NOT get Facebook argh!), and various quirky things like Ashley getting sore throat from singing too much and Michael getting 100 marks for Math (with help from God, who helped him to solve the last question!). I learn so much from them, its amazing how different our schooling lives were. Yeah, sometimes I feel guilty about not preparing enough for my mentorship sessions, but I think this is one case where RELATIONSHIP is the key. And I'm glad that this relationship had been formed.

It's amazing how our Cell has become crazy close since our formation at the start of the year. I used to be scared to talk to certain people, but now I end up doing my nonsense in front of them and ruining any pre-conception of me. I don't think we've reached the kind of "heart-to-heart" level of sharing that is utopian for Cell Groups, but I think that in terms of relationships, we're getting pretty strong. Can't get away from them, in the last few weeks alone, we went for UP, AHM (to a certain extent, corresponding by sms), Violin Concert together, (not to mention watching the Liverpool match with Dominic Seet!?! woot!) and after a long period of inactivity my sms count is starting to near 4 digits again. I'm not saying its perfect, sometimes I for no rhyme or reason feel like not meeting up with them, but I think that we have something good happening here and I pray so hard none of the core group will leave church. (why must people go overseas??? nvm time to exercise faith in God!)

Sometimes relationships simply means spending time with someone.

Don't have to be "wah superb, got good vibes all over the place", or "this is something very meaningful" or whatever. I haven't searched the bible, but I've got this feeling that the best relationships are built on time spent together. That's why last time in school so close to primary school or secondary school friends, now who knows where they have gone??? Because we haven't spent enough time together!

Yihui and Edwin asked me on our way back from the youth com retreat on whether I intended to get married next time. "Why of course!" said my mind, but my mouth whispered "maybe." Then I joked that a nice Christian girl from Sports Council might be a nice gift from God, so she can tape me up after I injure my leg and give me back massage if I play too much basketball.

I don't know in hindsight it seems like such a foolish and rash game, I don't blame Paul or John Sung from devaluing the importance of having a partner because it is meant to fulfill such a self-centred desire. But at the same time, such longings and desires don't go away easily.

Maybe the reason why those longings and desires don't go away easily is because we're not spending enough time with the right person: God.

As earlier mentioned, relationship is basically about spending time with someone. But if you're not even putting enough time into the most important relationship, how can the other peripheral relationships work out? Spending time with God is perhaps the most key factor as a steady relationship with Him will steady all other relationships.

And another thing perhaps is the standards and expectations that we set. I've become rather disillusioned by how worldly and shallow some girls are in their thinking and choices. If such attitudes were shown by my mentees or Cell members I can easily accept that, in fact still embrace them, but not from someone supposedly closer. But perhaps God shares that same sentiment when he views how worldly and shallow I can be as well. But still he loves me.

I sincerely pray that God will be the centre of all the relationships that I'm currently in. Its amazing how he is at work in those that I've committed to Him. But perhaps these are but a reflection of the relationship I'm supposed to have with him.

2009-08-22T15:26:00.005+08:00

Jesus, I need to give myself up.

I am not strong enough to love You and walk with You on my own.

I can't do it, and I need You.

I need You deeply and desperately.

I believe You are worth it,

that You are better than anything else I could have in this life or the next.

I want You.

But when I don't (want You), I want to want You.

Be all in me.

Take all of me.

Have Your way with me.

2009-08-22T08:49:00.000+08:00

Been wanting to post here for a long time, but somehow things kept getting in the way, until one month has passed... Guess it kinda speaks volumes about how the world that we're living in is sucking us in into its cycle of busy-ness and time for God is at a premium. Even my morning quiet time is being sucked up by something as innocuous as "doing bible study homework", so how does one commune with God from there? Heard someone say that "we're supposed to commune and communicate with Him at all times", in theory very true, but in reality a much harder principle. My bus time fellowship with God has been invaded by my friend whom I'm trying to evangelise to. But how am I supposed to be "poured out" (Philippians 2:17) to him, if I don't have the time to be filled in the first place. I admit I still waste a considerable amount of my time watching tv, doing silly things, daydreaming... but isn't that part of being human, or does God really desire a higher standard? Who then can be saved? (Mark 10:26)

I think I shared with the sec 1-2 class awhile back this testimony by Mark Hall (of Casting Crown fame. haha but all fame goes to God!). At the end of the video, he was just playing 4 simple chords on the piano and he said that it led him to composing this song. Then the video cut off. -.-''' so I was left perplexed as to which song he could be referring to? Could it be "Who am I"? or maybe "Lifesong"? or "Praise You in the Storm"? Those songs are all lovely and were possibly the song he was referring to (haha no, I didn't geekily check out whether the chords matched). Then finally today I heard this song called "In Me".

If you ask me to leap
Out of my boat on the crashing waves
If You ask me to go
Preach to the lost world that Jesus saves

[b]I'll go, but I cannot go alone
Cause I know I'm nothing on my own
But the power of Christ in me makes me strong
Makes me strong[/b]

Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind, You shine Your light on me
Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability
[i][b]How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to find that you want me[/b][/i]
So I'll stand on Your truth, and I'll fight with Your strength
Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me

Truly how refreshing to know that God doesn't need me to do His will. In his infinite power and might, the power to call the universe into being, why would he need his frail, failing human who is prone to stumbling and letting Him down time and time again?

But so amazing to know that He wants me.

It's just a testament to how much God loves me, to use me for His work, to mould me according to His purposes.

[i]Beautiful Jesus I thank you. I love you.[/i]

Just Stop And Think

2009-08-21T15:08:00.000+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRi4VwcrYmA

2009-08-04T09:36:00.001+08:00

(Hebrews 10:23)

the guilt when it strikes me is never greater than the mercy that covers me.

Give thanks

2009-07-27T10:44:00.005+08:00

what can I do, but thank You
what can I do but give my life to You
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

What can I do, but praise You
everyday make everything I do
A hallelujah,
Hallelujah.

School's started. (:

We are facing a water-outage the whole of today.

Am thankful for the things we can do each day with water.

Am reminded of people who do not have the free-access to water that we do.

Sometimes we don't notice how much of an impact something or someone has on us until we are deprived for a while.

Maybe that's why we sometimes don't give thanks for the little things that are in our lives by the grace of God. And many times we don't give thanks for the freedom of access that we have to God through Jesus Christ.

In the book of Psalm, many times you'd find the phrase "give thanks". (Try a search on biblegateway (: ). It's really important for us to live with a heart of thanksgiving towards God. It may get hard in many circumstances. But I often think about the people here on earth I've met who are most joyful in God.. I realise many of them have little materially, and are living in harsh conditions, but still remain ever-grateful.. ever joyful.. and ever faithful in walking with our Heavenly Father.

Reminds me a little of this verse from Philippians, Chapter 4 Verse 12 (:

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

God bless and have an awesome week (:

faith in the desert

2009-07-25T10:24:00.002+08:00

watched this amazing testimony from this lady who sang one of the best Hillsong songs that I've heard so far. Praise God for her faith, and I thank God for this encouraging testimony!

Baka 08 video

2009-07-21T09:31:00.001+08:00

copyrighted: yangzw andrew

praying for loved ones

2009-07-16T23:12:00.012+08:00

Hello =)

Was thankful for today.

Managed to meet up with my JC friends in the morning/noon. It seemed almost impossible with one of them being heavily involved with nus med orientation, another having to mount/dismount on different days for ns, and another friend on attachment. But really thankful that it was possible in the end.

We played taboo after eating. Two teams against each other.

When it was our turn, one of my friends described 'up there.. up there.. where the god lives."

the word he was describing was 'heaven'

and another word was 'easter'

Heh.. these friends mean much to me. Going through JC together made us a little like a family. Many times I am thankful that they accepted me as a friend, despite knowing what I was like in school in J1.

and it was because of this I was disappointed when I found out I wouldn't be able to go to the same uni as them here in Singapore and get to eat and hang out together with them at school once in a while (Guess that's how childish my thoughts really are at times.), nor would I be able to introduce them to church friends or other Christian friends in uni who know them and can keep praying for them, and reaching out to them, or arrange for games like soccer or anything that they can come along to, together with others who can get to know them, because sometimes it's not convenient for me to talk to two of them alone or spend time with them as two of three of them are guys.

Today, it struck me more deeply that usual. that my friends are still unsaved, along with my family.

Praying each day.. for a breakthrough to happen in their lives, for God to send someone their way who will love them with His love and keep telling them about Him.. and that He'll show me how I can do it if I'm able to, and teach me to be less selfish with time that He's given. I pray for more discipline as I study God's Word, that I will not teach or say the wrong things or things that are not true about Him.

I pray that one day, they will know of 'heaven' not just as the place 'up there where the god lives'.. I pray that one day.. that's where they'll be looking foward towards.. up there with our Heavenly Father.. that we will all call Him our Heavenly Father. =)

thanking God for friendships. Because they are not here in our lives by accident.

Will you keep persevering in prayer for your loved ones, friends, families, colleagues, or class/coursemates?

The Bible says in Romans 10:13 "Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved."

That's one promise we can stand upon, that if they call upon Jesus' name, they will be saved.

Jiayou Torchbearers! =)

Tek's testimony

2009-07-12T22:24:00.003+08:00

I have a confession that planning for the evangelism event on 9 August (gosh I have to give it a name, everytime i talk about it must say such a mouthful! On this blog I'll just refer to it as the Operation FREEDOM!) has taken a back seat in my life for the past week. Yeah I dunno I've just been so caught up with different things that I didn't put in much thought or prayer into the event. I even failed to pray for the friends that I want to invite. I guess this wasn't really working out for me.

But today my cell member Tek passed me a video of his personal testimony for us to show the people who come for the 9 Aug event. It was a very interesting watch for me coz I never really did ask him how he became a Christian. But I thank God for us sharing and I thank God for his life, that has testified to me that God is real and God is still working in our Torchbearer youth group. Thank you Tek and thank you Lord :)

I guess maybe I've become lukewarm to the idea of having an evangelistic service already. Maybe I've been too many attempts fail, or maybe i've been discouraged that our youth have been apathetic or indifferent too many times. O, Jesus if only you'd let them see what I've seen tonight!

Like an injection of fresh vigour was Tek's testimony and I feel all the more compelled to excel and give my best for my Lord Jesus Christ.

But on a personal level, many fears still linger in my mind. I still have doubts on whether my friends will accept or reject my invitation to them. I don't know whether I should ask them next week or whether I should wait for God to give me a direct prompting. In the words that we cried during the skit today, "I don't know what to do!!!"

But as Tek shared in his testimony that he has learnt to let God take the driving seat and control of the steering wheel of his life, have I learnt how to let him take control of my driving seat and my steering wheel? Have I built up a faith that cannot be moved, and the simple trusting in my Lord and Saviour? I pray that God empower me in my weakness, and just as the 3 examples that I read in the 40 day fast book, God touch my lips and show me what to say.

I love you Lord Jesus, show me what to do.

2009-07-10T15:37:00.003+08:00

(haha this blog is becoming quite dead, maybe its time to recruit more members to blog coz "old" people like me don't touch the com that much anymore.)

Its interesting how people do things or say things that suddenly have a profound impact on your life. An impact that makes you wanna make a change or a commitment, or maybe changes your mentality or creates a new habit.

I think the first was when Aunty Wan Yee invited me for prayer meeting in 2006 since I was elected as the prayer coordinator in one of our rather haphazard elections. (on hindsight it was such a blessing that I got the prayer coordinator instead of the vice president role that I thought I would get, now attending wed night prayer meetings has become a habit) Before that I would pray 3 very embarrassing things before I sleep:

1) That I would wake up on time
2) That I would remember to do all my homework and not get scolded by teacher
3) That I would not urinate in my pants (this was a habit since primary school. yes laugh all you want ><)

and before I eat I would pray, "thank you for this food amen."

And I guess that was my prayer life.

Ok, today my prayer life still isn't as disciplined as it should be, but I can confidently say that I have improved since then, and really thanks to Aunty Wan Yee and others, whose life have been examples and models for me to follow.

Next was about 3 weeks back when I had my follow up retreat with my mentees Ashley and Michael at Ashley's new house. Ok, I was starving and Aunty Angela made some very nice food for us and I wanted a quick prayer and tuck in. But she prayed something like, "Thank you Jesus for your love. It is only by your love and mercy that we can come... *forgot the rest*". But it kinda set me thinking, how have i been treating my pre-meal prayers? With complacency? Like a ritual so that God doesn't inflict me with food poisoning or diarrhea?

I finally saw it as an opportunity to remind myself of God's goodness every time i eat. Maybe that's why God intended for humans to eat 3 times a day (haha some fatties eat more frequently haha! Excuse to thank God more lol... :P), so that each time before we eat and we pray, it will be an opportunity to give thanks to God not just for the food, but also for his love, grace and mercy upon us. To remind us of his presence in our lives no matter what we may be doing, and remind us that he is here with us even as we fellowship and eat.

Think Aunty Angela didn't intend for such widespread implications on my life, but guess God did! thanks

Lastly, I was chatting with constance a couple of nights ago, then she said that she can't have study mentorship on sat because she has Bible Study with Navteens or something. Though sad that we can't have tuition, I was amazed that she's actually going for Bible Study at such a young age. I mean when I was 14 I don't even think i read the bible every day (maybe sunday morning to prep for my sunday school homework!).

Then a wave of guilt immediately flooded my being. My dad has been constantly asking me ever since I ended school to attend the tuesday night Precept Bible Study class with him. But then like I was too lazy/didn't see the point/didn't want some extra that I didn't want to do/and gave the excuse that I was attending the now defunct Friday night fortnightly class organised by our church. But now that it is defunct, I haven't had a bible study to attend for a very long time (in fact, I didn't really attend all of those Friday night classes anyway).

I remember awhile ago some adults made some noise about wanting the sunday school teachers to attend a regular bible study class before they are allowed to teach. When I started teaching the sec 1 & 2 class I was like feigning ignorance and just teach lor. But now that one of my students is going to attend, big shame on me for I do not hunger and thirst for God's Living Word as much. In fact my mentee Michael is also attending a Bible Study class. Woe to me!

Ok, yes I admit the motive to join the class is partially due to shame, but the greater reason perhaps is that I realised that I had been pushing God's small voice out of my head for too long, giving excuses and other things ("I can study the bible by myself.."). David wrote "How I long for your precepts!" and I hope to cultivate the same passion for God's Word. Yeah nobody said it will be easy, I'm struggling to find a Bible Study class to join, the only time I'm free is Friday night and none of the free bible study thingies seem to have class on Friday night (maybe coz everyone's having Cell Group haha), but I believe that God will lead me to the right one in due time. And I thank him for giving me reminders about how important studying his Word is.

Yeah I'm sure if I take time to reflect, more examples will come to my mind. How great is our God, sometimes we don't expect it, but we are convicted and moulded more and more into His Likeness through the words of our brothers and sisters in Christ.

2009-06-24T18:00:00.003+08:00

Heya =) just wanted to share with all who are still students or who find exams a significant part of their lives =) it's from a friend's updates and newsletter:

When we take an examination and face difficult questions, we are tempted to ask our teachers for the answers. But experience (and protocol) has taught us that our teachers will not provide the answers. In fact, the entire room is silent as we sit for the all important test.

Likewise, when we are put through a test in life and face difficult questions, we often ask our Teacher for the answers. And when He does not say anything, we need to trust His loving care and decide to surrender to His loving control.

When Job was tested, God did not say anything until the 38^th chapter,

“Then the Lord answered Job out of the whirlwind…” (Job 38:1)

We can have peace when we accept what cannot be changed. And sometimes, He has to incapacitate us to teach us who’s in control.

why i'm still around

2009-06-23T21:26:00.003+08:00

Felt an impulse to blog, but unlike other occasions, I didn't really know what to write about. I don't know after last week's high, I didn't really feel a close connection with God, like its been a struggle rather than a silence and things have been swirling in my mind rather than me going through the mundane army life.

Been reflecting on the phrase that Paul wrote in Philippians, "to live is Christ and to die is gain", but rather chillingly that phrase has had no personal implications on me. Lord, how can I not be moved by such a bold statement? The question is: "For me to live, is it really Christ? And if I die and leave everything behind, in my heart do I consider it gain?"

Sometimes Paul sounds like he hates life here on earth. He considered life in heaven "far better", and kinder "coldly" mentioned that it was "necessary" for himself to continue ministering to the Philippians. I can't fault him, sometimes I feel like that, because there isn't any attachment for me here?

But is there?

Images of my family are immediately conjured up. I thank God so much that they are all saved, so I'll be seeing them lots in heaven. But if departing means that I won't see them, I'd rather not depart.

Then yesterday, one of my campmates came over to say goodbye coz he's deferring from army next week. It was strange and surreal as I'd only known him since last december, but yet I missed him already. He's honest to goodness one of the nicest and friendliest guys I've ever met. No pretense or airs about him, I can't feel sad when I'm with him. I only got a short time to bring Jesus into his life, better scramble for the Christian bookshop to get him a bible! (he told me he doesn't have one a few weeks ago)

If I'm already missing him now. how much more I'll miss him in heaven.

Then one of my best friend's since primary 5 is leaving for Oxford soon. Because he's in OCS I haven't had many chances to meet up with him this year. But I've been touched by his friendship and his family who invite me over to their house for every rugby final and French open where we cheered Federer and jeered Nadal. For the marathon that we ran together and for the suannings and poems that we wrote for each other. For the night that we stayed up late together to chat about girls and I actually talked honestly to him. Gosh I only got a short time to bring Jesus to him, I feel sad that we haven't spent a lot of time together, I need to pray for strength to save him.

looks like i don't have a lot of time to try to save my friends.

Maybe that's why Jesus allows us to linger here on earth a little longer even though he longs for us to be with him in heaven. As much as I love my friends, Jesus loves them manifold times more. And as much as he loves them, he can't bear to lose them to hell. So he let's me dwell a little longer on this earth with the instructions to grab their hand and take them along with me when I enter heaven.

It all makes sense now, and I want to believe in this.

Thank you Lord, please save them.

2009-06-20T08:44:00.003+08:00

My sister recently asked me if I'd like to go for the Hillsongs concert on 25th July. At first I was really really interested because I haven't gone to any Hillsongs/FOP/Modern live worship team concert for a long time. And secondly coz I really really love Hillsongs.

But then several things kinda eventually dissuaded me from going. I didn't have anyone to go with, like I don't think my cell members would have been interested, then I would have had to go with my sis and her friends, or go alone. Then 2ndly, several of our church members include our Pastor said that sometimes the theology behind the hillsongs songs is quite shaky. I was like, oops I didn't really realise it, I always like sing it without actually thinking about what I'm singing.

Then lastly, I was beginning to question my own motives for going. Coz at first I was really excited on going coz Hillsongs is a place where you can jump around and raise your hands to worship God. Coz like in Hakka we don't sing any fast tempo songs, then even if we do, it is reduced to some awkward clapping. Plus sometimes if you jump then might stumble people, who will be like, I'm too distracted by this guy jumping to praise God. Haha Paul did mention a lot of times in the bible about not stumbling your bro's esp pertaining to behaviour during a service. It is common knowledge that you don't have to jump or raise your hands to praise God, but sometimes as youth I just feel that it is a viable and God-given expression that sometimes we do not tap into enough? But that said I agreed that dancing and jumping for the sake of dancing and jumping might be more for the high, than the expression of praising God.

But then I heard the song "Stronger" this morning (illegally on Youtube. But I promise I'll buy the CD next week!), it was amazing. The lyrics for the chorus were simple, something like, "You are stronger. sin is broken. you have saved me. It is written. Christ is risen. Jesus you are LORD of all!". I was just so moved by the song, yes indeed Jesus you are stronger than all the doubts that I have over the evangelistic service, whether the youths will respond, whether my friends will respond, whether the youths will reach out, whether my cell will take the next step to step out of their comfort zone to serve and so so many other things.

It wasn't even a jumping song. It was powerful, but the tempo was super slow. But yet I didn't have to raise my hands or close my eyes, but it spoke to me all the same.

I guess I won't be going for the Hillsongs concert. But I thank God that he uses their songs to speak to people all over the world.

Our prayer

2009-06-16T20:24:00.003+08:00

The journey so far:

2nd June: Psalm 90

Forgive us, as you have set our iniquities before you, our secret sins in the light of your presence.
Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.
Have compassion on your servants
Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days
May your favour rest upon us, Lord, establish the work of our hands.

9th June: Psalm 37

Help us to commit our way to you, to trust in you
Teach us to be still before you and wait patiently for you
Lord, help us to refrain from anger in our own lives everyday.
Lord, help us to know that if we walk in a way that you delight in, you will make our steps firm, though we stumble, we will not fall, for you uphold us with your hand
Lord, thank you for being our helper, our deliverer, and our stronglhold in times of trouble; help us not depend on ourselves but take refuge in you

16th June: Acts 2:42-47

Lord, please enable us to be devoted to you, to teaching that is true, to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer
Lord, though we live in a world where it has become so difficult to be amazed or awed, help us never lose our sense of awe - that the Torchbearers will always be filled with awe of you
Lord, thank you for your presence and promises that spur us on to keep meeting together and fellowshipping together. Lord help us to look to you as we are changed by you to be glad and sincere in all that we do, and praise you always.
Lord, you have shown in your Word that as your children come united in one Spirit, in love and in prayer, you can use it to bring more to know you personally. We commit each and everyone of us to you, all the gifts and talents that you've specially blessed everyone with, the different personalities and all. Thank you for giving us a common hope even though we can be so different in many ways.. may you mould each and everyone of us the way that pleases you most.

sing like a child

2009-06-13T13:03:00.003+08:00

Went to my brother and niece's VBS (vacation bible school) concert last night and it was a great time. There were like a million kids there, and all the parents and siblings were standing up and blocking our view and the kids were waving then my blur nieces and brother couldn't find us in the crowd... in short it was total absolute chaos! (haha we were joking next time phil and us should wear a pink scarf each or something so that we can distinguish each other! :P)

Then finally the poor MC got all the rowdy parents to sit down and quieten down (haha he remarked that it was easier to control the kids coz they had some secret signal thingies) and the concert started. It was quite interested coz all the kids remained on the stage all the time, then when its their turn to sing, they'll stand up, then for the last song they'll sing together.

The first few songs were like those typical fast tempo action kiddy songs (my bro was hiding behind some people, then when everyone jumped like a kangeroo we could finally notice that he wasn't jumping -.-'''), then it moved on to the slower more "emo" sounding ones.

And it was beautiful.

It sang of Jesus love. It sang of how he died on the cross. It sang of how we are His. It sang of how he loves us. And those ministering words coming forth from the mouths of young children. It was amazing.

No wonder Jesus said, "unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 18:2)

Lord make me your child today

In Christ Alone

2009-06-09T16:23:00.004+08:00

During the CAC Camp we sang this song called "In Christ Alone". K, I didn't really sing coz it was a different version from the one that we normal one that we sing in church. The girl from Toa Payoh Methodist sang the solo part, it was nice and it ministered to me, but that was about it, and i kinda forgot the tune after awhile.

Ok, then I was honestly just randomly surfing the net, then I heard the real version of that song! Ok, I don't think I'm supposed to post the lyrics, but its by Brian Littrell and you HAVE to hear it if you haven't done already. (God forgive me I hope this isn't piracy, but Galatians 5:23b says "against such things there is no law") It is amazing and I just felt touched by the amazing love of Christ. Its one of those songs which make me recognise my position in Christ and why I am existing on this earth. The beauty of the knowledge that my Saviour has given me the victory and that I am found in Him alone.

*this was editted later*

found out that Brian Littrell was a member of the Backstreet Boys. at first I was like ><''' coz like I couldn't really reconcile how a professed Christian could join a band like Backstreet Boys (i got nothing against their music, but it just seems a little "secular" and "worldly". In fact when I first searched the song, then i was like, "Woah, the Backstreet Boys sang In Christ Alone!?! AWESOME!")

But I've been reading Philippians a lot in preparation for teaching the Sunday School class and this verse immediately came to my mind: "But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice." Haha ok don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to imply that he's a false teacher or anything, in fact the fact that God was able to use his voice to minister to me was a blessing in itself! But I'm just trying to say that I was reminded that the important thing is not so much to find fault or to criticise like how man does. But rather to focus on worshipping God for that's really what matters! Reminds me of the time there was this song called "Healer" by this hillsongs guy which touched me so deeply I had to listen to it a few more times. But then on the youtube video I scrolled down, and found out that the writer of this song went to go and pretend that God healed him from cancer and stuff like that, I felt so cheated. But praise God he helped me realise that I'm no better than the songwriter who "cheated my feelings". Because I have put on a facade many times. I have cheated other people's feelings many times. So who am I to judge? Instead I should be thankful that we are all saved by God's grace.

In Christ alone do I glory
For only by His grace I am redeemed
For only His tender mercy
Could reach beyond my weakness to my need
And now I seek no greater honor in just to know Him more
And to count my gains but losses to the glory of my Lord

2009-06-01T08:23:00.002+08:00

Heya!

Wow check this out: http://www.gdop.sg/2009/youth/index.htm

I didn't know there were Children and Youth GDOP sessions too. =)